The old ticker

First, let me say that this has happened before in the past so I'm not all that concerned.

Last Wednesday afternoon I was home alone (very, very rare for that to happen), when all of a sudden I started having chest pain. "Oh crap! Here we go again", I thought. It was a stabbing like pain, dead center of my chest.  As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was trying my hand at carb cycling. Because I was at day camp with my son all week, it was very easy to pack a protein shake to have on the go during the afternoon for a quick snack.  Well, the last time I was using protein, I had chest pains. I got them so bad, I ended up in the ER.  

Anyway, this time wasn't all that bad.  Just a scary moment.  I called my husband at work and told him to stay on the phone with me until it passed. Didn't take too long. We discussed the protein business and Googled the effects of whey protein.  I also took to a weight loss group I belong to on Facebook. A few people said they had similar issues with whey, it was due to a lactose intolerance thing.   I do have a slight intolerance to lactose.  There are certain cheeses and if I have too much cream in my coffee, watch out!

A few days before the chest pain thing happened, my heart began to race. That, of course, got me all worked up. In fact, it even woke me up a few times.  It was so bad that I gave a list of things for my husband to tell the kids for me should I not wake up.  Depressing, I know.

The pain and the palpitations went away by Wednesday night and I didn't feel anything else until later in the afternoon on Thursday.  I thought at that time it would be best to go ahead and call the doctor. Of course the wanted me to head straight into the ER.   After much reassurance that I was fine, the nice man gave me an appointment for first thing Friday morning.

The nurse practitioner and I went over my history.  Yes, this has happened before.  Many times. Yes, I've had full work-ups done.  Yes, I've worn holter monitors, no, nothing was ever found. In fact, the last time this happened, I was told I was at a very low cardiac risk. So why does this happen?  Honestly, I don't think I will ever have a concrete answer but the tests have begun. First, EKG. Nothing. Then blood, all normal (even my darn thyroid was normal!!  What?!?). Now I'm waiting for a barium test (because I'm having a hard time swallowing without nearly choking) as well as an event monitor which I need to wear for two whole weeks!  Yikes!

The chest pains only happened that one day.  The palpitations are still off the chart, but I'm OK.  I've honestly thought the protein was the culprit but seeing as I've been off it for over a week now, there has to be another reason.  Let the testing begin (mid-next week).

With all this going on, it is really reminding me the importance of eating right.  One of the things Chris Powell talks about in his book is how we make and break promises to ourselves all the time.  He encourages you to make small promises and keep them and then keep adding to the promise list as a way to get healthier and healthier.  He also says you should tell someone your promise to hold yourself accountable. You are my someone:

I promise to drink all my water tomorrow (at least 8 glasses) and eat and/or juice 2 large servings of veggies.

The water shouldn't be a problem, I have been pushing it for days.  The veggie thing?  That could go either way.  Kick my you-know-what if I don't eat or juice 2 large servings of veggies tomorrow.

Confession, Camp Fun, and Supermarket Woes

I'm gonna cut to the chase here and confess: I'm a hot mess right now.  The eating is out of control. I'm depressed about how gross I feel, nothing fits anymore. I can't even buy anything new because it's hard enough finding my size anywhere and now that summer is ending, the shelves are looking pretty bare with summer stuff.  My own fault.  No excuses.  Just me going back to old, bad, bad habits.

Honestly,  I have no idea how much I weigh right now.  I will check tomorrow but I know it's bad. I'll be honest, (excuse my language here) I was pissed off last week.  I went to summer camp with my eldest son the week before and we walked over 4 miles every day.  I was eating pretty close to a Paleo diet all.week.long. What happened?  I gained 7 pounds!!!  Really?  Who does that?  Me, that's who. So, yea, I've been feeling sorry for myself and have had a pity party but I'm about done. Why 'about' you say?  Well, tomorrow is my son's birthday. He's requested I make stuffed shells for dinner.  Really Buddy?  I was hoping he was going to ask for Chinese food (I can't stand the stuff). So tomorrow I'll be making him his stuffed shells while I'm trying not to stuff my face.

Camp week was a blast! This particular camp's theme was all about shooting. The boys got to do the tomahawks, pellet and BBs, archery, slingshots, and paintball.  My favorite is usually archery but I didn't have much luck this time.  I did do well with the pellet gun as well as paintball.  Had (too much) fun!!!

My pellet gun score - all 12 shots made the target.  

Imagine what it would have been if I had been wearing my glasses! 

Food shopping isn't fun right now (not that it ever was).  There is a big family brawl going on with the locally (family) owned supermarket chain.  The story did finally make it to the national news. Long story short, one cousin had the board oust the second cousin from his position as CEO.  The employees have gone mad because unlike most CEOs, this guy is actually a pretty decent guy.  He's well known for how well he treats the help.  It's not often you find people working for a company for 20, 30, and even 40 years, but it's pretty common with this place.  Anyway, the employees are protesting, the customers are boycotting, it's all nuts. 

I went to another local store to pick up a few things for the boy's birthday dinner tomorrow and came out of the store $55 poorer.  I purchased the items for dinner, muffins for breakfast, cookies for the kids and camp, and a package of lemons.  Yup! I'm ready for the store across the street to be back to business as usual!  My haul tonight would have been roughly $35 or so at good old Market Basket. Sigh. 

And there you have it.  The bad, the good, and the ugly. :)  I'll check in again soon.  Need to get my stuff together over here.  I can't believe all my good has come undone. 

Stop the ride!

Oye!  So much going on in my head right now.

Been on an emotional roller coaster for the last two days.
After reading all these books, I've been given a lot of food for thought which is good but maybe has given me too much to think about.

As of right now, I have too many thoughts rolling around in the head. I can't just pick one to talk about so I'm just going to step away for a bit so I can collect my thoughts, digest some of them, and see where I come out on the other end.

It may be a few days between postings.  It's a busy weekend coming up and then next week I'll be at summer camp with my son.  I'm looking forward to it but know from past experience that I'll be wiped out.  Bear with me though, I'm hoping to have some thoughts sorted out soon.

Book in hand!

Finally! I have a hard copy of Chris Powell's book in my hands! I mentioned a few days back that I've read the book on my Kindle but was having a hard time really dissecting the book so I purchased a hard copy.  I reread a few of the beginning chapters today. I have a notebook started with a ton of notes already.  There is a lot of food for thought in the first few chapters, makes me think he'd do well writing a book just on this one idea rather than making it about weight loss. 

Even with all my note taking today, I am not as obsessed as I was yesterday.  I'm fairly certain it's because I am on my second low carb days in a row.  I'm a little fuzzy and a bit cranky.  Tomorrow is a high carb day and boy, I cannot wait!  

That being said, you'll have to forgive me for being brief.  I'm a bit tired today and need to think about some of the things I read today.

Obsessed much?

When I get into a project, I mean really get into it, it's all I can think about.  For example, while working on my son's fourth grade memory book I would stay up until 1 to 2 in the morning just working away on organizing and preparing pages for the book. Then I would wake up the next morning and dive right in again. Some days I spent nearly 12 hours working on the darn thing. When I wasn't working on it, I was discussing it or thinking about it.  My mind never stopped until the darn thing was done.  In the end, it was worth all my hard work.  The kids were really happy and I received an email from the principal the other day stating how thankful she was and how she thought there was just a little something extra special about the book this year.  The compliment helped make all that stress and worry and work worth it.

Well, I'm obsessed again.  This time it's about weight loss (YES!! right?!).  It's all I can think about right now.  Seriously, I can't think about anything else. I am on a mission to find a formula that will work.  I've been reading blog after blog after blog.  I've read one book about carb cycling on my Kindle and ended up purchasing a hard copy tonight so I could go through and highlight and mark up the book where I need to. I have another book on the subject on the way from Amazon.  I've joined a few groups on Facebook, and have even spoken to a few friends of mine who have had surgery which ultimately lead me to read a few books on that subject.  If you can think of a way to lose weight, I've probably read about it over the last few weeks.  I just can't get enough information right now.  I know I said that the other day, but it's very true.

I guess I've finally (for real) hit rock, rock bottom.  I hate being stuck!  My current plan is to try the carb cycling for the recommended twelve weeks.  I figure it will also help me with my ultimate goal of being gluten free which is supposed to help with the Hashimoto's and the Psoriasis as well as the MGUS.  And speaking of being gluten free, I almost picked up the book Grain Brain tonight while I was at the book store (see, obsessed!).

 My hope is that this obsession of mine sticks around. Hopefully it's the drive I need to get moving in the right direction again.

Fingers crossed.

Little Bumps

Was rear-ended today.
Not bad.
Just a little bump.

Went through the drive thru.  The guy behind me was more worried about getting his garbage out of his car than he was about the vehicle in front of him. I hate the feeling you get when you've been rear ended.  This was the third or fourth time that something like that has happened to me.  Usually it's some Joe not paying any attention to what he's doing and BAM! I get it.  Luckily, nothing was damaged.  It really was just a little tap on the rear end (hey now!).

What irritated me about the whole thing was when I pulled over into a parking spot to check to make sure there wasn't any damage, he came barreling at me with his truck and said "ah, I just bumped you a bit, you'll be OK. I was looking for trash in my car."  Really?  How about "Gee, I am really sorry!  I hope everyone is OK.  Doesn't look like any damage but here is my info..."  That's how these things should work.  Like I said, I am happy the kids and I are not hurt and there is no apparent damage to the car.  Just wish people would act as if they are sorry.

Either way, Dude, I forgive you. It was an accident.  Next time though, ask if the person is alright or, at the very least, say "I'm sorry".

All that aside, today is my guilt free day portion of the week. For some reason, I am just not feeling very well today. I have the shakes and am very tired.  So tired, I can hardly stay awake.  Not sure what that is all about but I 'm done with it. Been trying to push some water, wondering if there may be a bit of dehydration going on?  There was one point earlier when I felt as if I was going to pass out.  Luckily that has since passed.

My guilt free day wasn't too bad. Started the day off super healthy. Tried to have a healthy dinner but the salad I made the other day went bad.  Ended up having something with more calories that I would have liked but at the end of the day, it wasn't all that bad.

Tomorrow is the start of week 2 of carb cycling.
I lost 3.7 pounds this first week.
Have 13.4 to go to hit my first mini-goal.

The things I need to work on this week:

Dropping the caffeine (AKA soda).  By the end of next week, I would like to be 100% off of it. Weaning. I'm not quitting cold turkey because if I did, I would be on the news. Seriously though, for right now, it's helping me get through on the lower carb days.

Move!  I've been sedentary for the last two weeks. I feel it when I just walk across a parking lot.  Not good for business.  Summer is killing me with the relaxing. Next week is going to be busy (at camp with the boy) so I need to do something this week so I won't be dead next.

Water!  Getting there.  I've been drinking some every day which is huge for me.

I think that's a good start for this week.  I'll adjust as things progress.

Tired

Obesity sucks.

I feel like there is no digging out.  I've tried and tried and tried and tried for many, many years to lose weight.  I have been my current size since I graduated high school (just a few short moons ago ).  Sure, I dropped some weight before I was married but only put that right back on. Then I had my first baby and put on about 50 pounds. I eventually lost that and a little more before getting pregnant with my second child. I didn't gain all that much the second time around, which was wonderful.  I've gained and lost. Lost and gained more times than I can count. 

Most of the time I try to accept the fact that I am who I am and just go on with life. After all,  a large portion of my family are overweight.  My parents are, my maternal grand-father was slightly overweight while my grandmother was a tiny little thing (why couldn't I have gotten her genes?).  My paternal grandparents weren't really overweight, well, my grandmother was chunkier in her elder years but when she was young, she was in the military and quite beautiful (not that being chunky isn't beautiful). There are many a cousins on both sides who are chunky to obese. Given all that in my gene pool, the cards are just stacked against me.

I'm getting tired of everything.

Tired of clothes not fitting, not being able to get up from off the floor easily, being uncomfortable in my skin because my skin is sticking to my skin.  Tired of thinking I can do this and be thinner and fitter by next summer (been saying that one for the last 29 summers). Tired of not seeing my cheekbones or my wrist bones.  Tired of hearing kids comment on how fat I am and thinking about the comments people mumble under their breath about my size. I'm tired of hoping and failing. Tired of broken promises to myself.

The thing I am most tired of is not being 150% happy with my life.   Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of blessings and things (people) to be happy and grateful for.  And I am grateful. I truly am. I think I've done all the things I can do in my life to be as happy as I can be given my weight.  It's time to shake things up and get to see that thin girl who's inside kicking and screaming to get out. The trouble is, I don't know how to get her out of there. I've tried so many keys and have failed. What's it going to take to break the code?  I guess time will tell.

I've turned to God for some guidance.  My relationship with the great Heavenly Father isn't all that great. I'm not a huge church goer for a lot of my own personal feelings and beliefs.  I do believe in God and in a higher power.  I believe in signs. So, I've asked for some guidance and have asked to be shown the way to a healthier me.  With His guidance, I've been researching a number of things. I've done more reading and thinking in the last few weeks about weight loss than I have about any other subject in my life.  I will find the key to my success; I know I will.

Until then, I will keep reading and will keep plugging away.  Every little ounce is one ounce closer to another goal. First goal is just 7.2 pounds (as of last week) away (taking things in 10 pounds increments).