Wednesday Weigh In

Down .2 today. That's 2.2 total.

I'm not feeling terrible about the .2 loss. Last week I mentioned being at the fair and was surprised I had a 2 pound loss that week.  I'm thinking this was what was coming to me.  My body likes to not react right away to whatever changes I make.  Something I need to keep in mind during the coming weeks.

I'm feeling great right now!  I've started walking every morning. Once my oldest gets on the bus, myself and a few other moms hit the pavement.  It's been really nice to have adults to talk to and get the morning exercise in right away.

Choices

Let me preface this post by saying that I am not peddling religion. I believe that religion is a personal choice and should be kept that way. I'm just giving a little back story to go with my thought of the day. And I am feeling chatty.

My husband and I have been looking for a new church to attend. We are Catholics of the non-practicing kind.  We Baptized both boys in the Catholic Church with the assumption that we'd be finding a new church to practice our faith in. We've been putting it off for  years.  But the time has come when we have to put-up or shut-up, as they say.  Our eldest has started the first grade and really needs to be in some sort of religious education or none at all.  

Over the summer, we sent our son to a Vacation Bible School at a Methodist Church.  He had a blast! Then started asking why we don't attend church. That's a tough question to answer and one best left alone. Anyway, we thought it would be nice to check out the service to see if it might be a Church that we'd like to call "Home". We did enjoy the service. It's not as formal as what we're used to with following Catholicism for all our lives. However, the Church was very welcoming.  They told us what to do, when.  The Pastor gave us a lot of information but didn't "shove it down our throats". Simply put, we felt welcome.  It's a feeling we're going to have to get used to as we decided to join the Methodist Church.  Hope we don't burn in Hell for all eternity for turning our backs on the Catholics - the only true Christian religion. (Yes, that's sarcasm)

Now, to the point. During today's sermon, Pastor and the Religious Educator (RE) spoke about choices.  The RE spoke to the kid's about the kinds of choices they have to make during the day...most of the answers were about what kind of ice cream they should have and weather or not to have a piece of cake to go with said ice cream.  You know, really difficult life choices. The RE held up a piece of broccoli and a bag of M&M's and asked which one is they healthier choice. Of course the kids all said the M's - (I was thinking the same thing - my body would probably explode if I put broccoli in -haha). Anyway, both the Pastor and the RE's point ultimately came down to sometimes it's easy to follow Jesus and sometimes it isn't.

All this led me to some thinking while I was out on my walk. I typically do 1.5 miles. There is a point in my walk when I have a choice to make the left hand turn to walk back down my street towards home, or I can make it up the hill in front of me and on to the next left to go another block.  The next left leads me to an even bigger hill that I need to trek up.  Usually by this point in my walk, I am ready to head on home. However, I stop myself and say "aren't you going to feel better about yourself if you keep going?" or "you'd have to continue on if you were on The Biggest Loser like you so badly want to be!" Most of the time I keep going and make it up both hills. I always feel great about the choice that I made! 

Today though, I not only decided to make it up that second hill, I kept going!  I went another block. Thus up two more hills. One is much smaller than the other, but an incline nonetheless. It felt GREAT! When I reached the top of the hill today, I thought about all the things Pastor had to say about how sometimes it's really hard to make the right choice, but in the end it'll make you feel better. And it certainly did! 

When I got home, I continued my workout with one of Bob Harper's challenges.  I did the single arm raises - found on the challenges link.  Now, I took this challenge plus one other arm one a few days ago. My arms were feeling the burn that day, but I made it through OK. Today? Not so much. I was screaming that scream you hear while watching Loser. I gotta tell you- as much as it hurt - it felt even better to make it through the whole set!!!!  Nothing is stopping me now!  Can't wait to do another one of Bob's challenges tomorrow!  

What will you challenge yourself with today?

Projecting

I've started to realize that I am guilty of projecting my insecure feelings onto others -mostly strangers. It struck me today when I took my son to a "Mommy & Me" class. There was a woman there who I thought was scowling at me.  Every time I caught her eye, I felt like she was looking at me with disgust.  In fact, I was at the point where I almost said something to her.  I had no idea what I would have said and quickly thought better of it. Certainly wasn't the time nor the place. 

Then, there was a point in the class where she started speaking to me.  I realized at that moment, she wasn't the (insert expletive here) that I thought she was.  It turns out - per usual - that I was just projecting my negative feelings about myself onto this woman.  Certainly wasn't fair to her nor to myself.

This isn't the first time I've realized what I was (am) doing. I'm sure it won't be the last, but I know that I am doing it and will work on being more watchful of myself and my negative thoughts.

In a way, it's silly to worry about what others may think about me. I know who I am. I know who loves me. I have great friends and a wonderful family. That's all that really matters in life, isn't it? The next time I catch myself projecting, I will just smile at the person and will think a happy thought. I'll let you know how it goes. 

In the meantime, let's talk about this week's progress.  Things are going pretty well. I've been really busy with appointments and the like.  The little one is sick, thus sleeping has been very little. That always makes it difficult to "behave". All in all though, I've made some terrific food choices (a few that could have been better, but weren't terrible). I haven't been getting the exercise in that I need though.  The good news though is that tomorrow is the first day this week where I have zero previous engagements.  The little one and I will go on our 1 1/2 mile walk right after the big one gets on the bus.

Wednesday Weigh In

Not too shabby this week!  I lost the weight I had gained last week plus another pound!  Leaving me with a 4 pound loss for this week. Not so sure how I pulled that off after being at the fair over the weekend. It'll sneak up on me next week (hope not!). 

How did my first day of planning go?  Not bad, not bad at all.  I had to make a few minor adjustments to my original plan due to not having everything I needed.  My littlest one hasn't been feeling too hot so getting to the grocery store has been right out. 

I wish I had something profound to say. I don't. So we'll leave today's posting simple. 

A fresh start

It's Monday night of Labor Day Weekend and what a weekend it was!  We had some great family time and fun, but it's now time to get back into the rhythm of School Days!  

My son is starting the first grade and will be taking lunches to school for the first time. He's a very picky eater.  He never used to be.  He used to eat anything and everything that we put in front of him. No questions asked. Now? Not-so-much. He started being picky sometime during Kindergarten.  Not sure if it's because he sees me being picky, if it's something he picked up in school, or it could just be his age.  No matter, it just makes packing lunches that more difficult! 

They say to let your child help in the planning of lunches. Let them shop with you and help prepare their meals. OK, so I've asked him what he wants; "chicken wings off the chicken from the store"...you know, the in-store prepared rotisserie chicken that is great in a pinch.  Those chicken wings have less than a bite of chicken on them - not a very filling lunch.  But a great idea!  What else? Well, he asked for egg salad (he's hated egg salad forever - loves eggs; loves mayo, hates egg salad?). I tried making some for him today and "Mikey! He likes it!" 

My point to all this is that I need to put as much effort into myself as I do with my kids. I try to make sure their meals are balanced. If I leave out a piece of broccoli, I beat myself up for it for days. If I took as much care of myself as I did my kids, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. I love my kids. I don't want them to have the weight issues and the baggage that comes along with it. I am on top of their eating habits like white on rice. Now it's my turn! 

I am taking a vow of good, healthy eating for the rest of September. There will be no eating out. I will have 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day and I will count my calories - weigh and measure as I go along.  I WILL drink my water!  That's a huge one for me. Been feeling run down without my water. I am also going to pledge to walk 7.5 miles each week - that's 1.5 miles a day for 5 days each week. My 10th wedding anniversary is 13+ months away and I will be 100 pounds lighter by then! 

My first breakfast will be:

2 eggs - organic - cage free

pepper and onions

whole wheat english muffin

Snack:

Greek yogurt 

carrots

Lunch: 

Whole Wheat pasta with organic made marinara

Snack:

apple and cheddar

Dinner:

Almond crusted chicken 

green beans

The dark place

When I got dressed this morning, I put on a shirt that has always been fine to wear and guess what?  It's sticking to me! Now I am feeling depressed that my clothes really are getting too small and to top it all off my back still hurts.  I've never (knock on wood) had a back problem...guess the weight is getting the best of me. 

Being this heavy is really painful. It's painful on the mind as well as the body.  Doing simple tasks like cleaning up after the kids - hurts!  It hurts like hell. It's hard to breathe and my body just aches. Bending over?  Forget it.  My big belly gets in the way and I practically lose consciousness. How about getting on the floor?  Sure. I can sit on the floor with the kids, but I am not very mobile. And what about getting up after being on said floor?  That's like watching a circus! I am only 35 years old and it's like pulling a 90 year old off the floor. What if there was an emergency while I was playing on the floor with the kids?  What if I needed to get up quick to help them?  Not happening.  It's a scary thought not being able to get to the kids quickly if they needed me.

What about the mind? Well, I am always feeling like I'm being stared at.  There are times when I've said "hello" to people who were starting too much. That always makes them almost feel bad. I can see it in their eyes - it's like they are thinking "oh crap!  She caught me!"  I could also just be projecting. 

Not being able to do things with the kids - like taking them to amusement parks and not being able to ride anything with them.  "Sorry kids, Mommy is too big" Sure, I enjoy watching the happiness on their little cherub faces when they are on a ride - but knowing how much fun we all could be having together, really hurts! 

The mental preparation in going out to dinner is exhausting.  What if they put me in a booth?  Yes, I am sad to report that I am at the point where I can't fit in most booths now. I never thought in a million years that things would get this out of control. Alas, I am here. Not happy about it. It's not like it's an accomplishment. I often wonder how on Earth I did end up here, in the horrible place of being alone (even though I know I'm not - still feels pretty lonely here). 

So, if it really feels this bad, why do I choose to stay here? That is the question of the century. I guess a lot of it is that I don't know anything else. And the other big piece is that I am afraid.  Afraid off success. Afraid of failure. The biggest struggle for me is that with every "diet" and/or lifestyle change I've ever made - the weight hardly came off.  Leaving me feeling worse than when I started (mentally worse, physically I always feel better.)

There is so much more I could talk about being here, in this dark place.  But I am going to hold it for now.  I'm trying to reel myself in and get into a lighter spot where it's easier to see. I've made myself do a lot of things today that I really don't have the energy to do. It's a step in the right direction.  I've made some poor food choices today but I've been careful about the portion sizes.  Another step. Now, I am going to have myself a big glass of water and work on the household chores that have been awaiting. When I come back, I promise to be in better spirits.


ETA: I am chuckling right now because I hit "post" and then popped over to check in on Facebook. What was the first post on my screen? A big one from Bob:

Bob Harper I believe in YOU! Remember, living an active healthy life starts one step at a time :)

Late Weigh In...

...and feeling disgusted, discouraged, and all sorts of other negative feelings right now. I weighed in yesterday and was too disgusted with myself to even think about blogging about a gain. Not just a gain, but I am now officially over my starting weight! Grrr! How does that happen? Clearly my eating isn't on track. My exercise on the other hand, was spot on. I walked 1.5 miles 5 out of the 7 days last week. 

And what have I done this week? Nothing but gripe about how I feel. Nothing fits. When I say nothing, I mean NOTHING!  My shirts are starting to cling to me, I feel like I am wearing a wetsuit.  I can't wear my jean shorts any more because I'll turn blue and pass out from the lack of oxygen. My back is starting to hurt and my plantar factitious is acting up.

The good news though is that I am in better spirits today. I am not going to give up because I am at my highest weight ever and I am feeling at my worst.  I realized the other day that I am now 100 pounds heavier than the day I got married - almost 9 years ago.  That is just one hell of a realization.  So, now I am making my pledge to lose that 100 pounds for my 10th anniversary - 10/20/11. 

The good stuff started today.  I took the kids out to the bookstore this morning (late morning) before it got too hot to even think about being outside (it was already 93 degrees!).  I wanted to look at some cookbooks and we took a little longer than I had wanted.  I was hungry. The kids were hungry.  But I said "NO!" to that drive-thru window and came home.  Granted I ended up having a peanut butter sandwich, but I can fit it in if I am careful with counting the calories.  A step in the right direction was made today.  I am giving myself a pat on the back.  Now tell me, what did you do today to deserve a pat on the back too?