Better Day

Today was remarkably better than the last few days.

My spirits were lifted a bit after completing yet another awesome workout with Damon!
I was especially excited because I was able to do one of these:

The first time I tried one of those (day one of working with Damon), I went into complete panic mode. I ended up having to raise one leg at a time while the other stayed on the floor.  Today was another story. I'm sure it didn't look pretty, but I was able to complete the exercise as it was meant to be!  Go me! 

It's moments like that that make me realize how strong I am becoming and how far I've come. The scale may be moving at a snail's pace (this week is 150% my fault) but in the end the workouts are working. 

I also dug deep and decided that I can't be all down in the dumps like this for a week at a time on a monthly basis. I need to buck up and do what I can to snap out of it. And that is exactly what I did. I started by getting the chores done: they certainly aren't going to get done by themselves. Then I went on and organized a little section of my kitchen counter that was starting to look like a massive mountain of paperwork and junk. I still have some other organizing project to get done, but for the most part things are in order and I can stop stressing out about the small stuff. 

The small stuff. That's what seems to bother me the most during my PMS/PMDD days. It is so frustrating to feel this way. Imagine being totally stressed out because you have to sweep the floor (I know, the horror!). But that's exactly what life is like for me during these times; the smallest of tasks can feel like having to climb the highest of mountains. On days like today when I can tell that voice to shush, I feel so much better. It's days like today that I need to bear in mind when I'm having such a horrible day where even getting out of bed in the morning is too much.  Depressing? Yes. But it's the truth...once I'm back to day one of my cycle, I am back to being me.  I CAN'T wait for day one! 

The million dollar question

To medicate or not to medicate?

Well, the answer is to NOT medicate. Sadly, I am coming off of the Wellbutrin. I sent off an email to the doctor earlier in the week because my ears are ringing. I have partial hearing loss with tinnitis as it is so this added ringing just isn't fun. My poor kids, I'm constantly asking them to speak up. They are tired of having to repeat themselves (maybe they'll learn something from that - doubt it!). So, with the tinnitis and the other side effects, we're opting to get me off of the Wellbutrin. Watch out world!  ;-)

My doctor is reluctant to put me on anything else. She is so overly concerned with my gaining weight. I was on Fluoxetine for four years and didn't gain anything due to the medication. I'm not worried about it. I've been obese my whole entire adult life. Hell, I've been obese since I was an early teenager, I'm not concerned about adding pounds, I'm more concerned about getting along in life. I wish she'd get that! Anyway, once I am weaned off, I will meet with her about getting on to something else.

Until then, it's back to eating right for me!
I didn't do too bad this week. I have one more day to go before I weigh in on Monday. I've decided to just start the slate clean. My new day one was last Monday. I'm filing away the weight loss from last year and starting anew. I think it's the best thing to do as I've been up and down the same 10-15 pounds since December.

Today was the first day that I've really felt my weight gain. It's just a slight gain, but I could feel it in my jeans. My belly feels so incredibly full. I'm so bloated and could hardly button my pants. My husband and I did a lot of work around the house (spring cleaning sort of stuff), and I could hardly move. I felt like I did when I was nearly forty pounds heavier!  I haven't felt this bad in a very, very long time!  I'm *almost* feeling hopeless. *Almost* ready to say to hell with it and do the drastic thing and go for the consult for the surgery. But, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to stay the coarse and will make progress.

Hubs had his check-up last week and was given a month to get things in order before he's put on blood pressure meds. He hates meds as much as I do so he's ready to get going with me. That will be a huge help to me!  We've done the weight loss thing together in the past and have done really well. He always feels bad though because he loses so much faster than I do. He's a typical male. Lucky SOB! HAHA. I have to fight for every ounce...but as long as I have a sparring partner, I think I will be OK.

I have LoseIt.Com open in my browser. All ready for more logging. We did our meal planning this morning for the week ahead. All is ready to get into week two.

Getting Back

Alright. Enough is enough.

That is my mantra every. single. day.

Today isn't much different other than that so far I'm really living that mantra (it's not quite noon yet so I can't be claiming success!). I'm going back to my basics...living moment to moment and going no further than that. I was up on the scale this morning. Big time. No more. I will not gain everything back and start at square one all over again. I will not go back!

As it is, I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. I'm out of breath and I hurt. Some of my clothes are getting tight. That is so depressing! I need to work hard at finding ways around my pain and get-it-done. I haven't been in the gym for about 6 weeks now!  YIKES!  I wish I could go for a walk or do an exercise tape. I just can't right now with my feet being in pain.

Although, today is the first day in a long time that my feet are pain-free!  I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow and an appointment with the podiatrist on Wednesday. I'm going to discuss with both of them the idea of having another cortisone shot (ouch!). My thinking is that if I can get my feet to pain free on a more permanent basis (at least 6 months with the cortisone shot), then I can concentrate on working hard to get this weight off. This is my life with plantar fasciitis.

Another possible hurdle is the Welbutrin. I've switched my time of intake (DR suggestion) to before bedtime. Because I tend to remember my meds before bed, I am more likely to stay consistent. And I have been. It's really helped me get my moods back in the right direction. I'm not feeling as moody as I have been, which is great for everyone!  The downside though is that my ears are ringing. Ringing bad. I have partial hearing loss on my left side as it is so hearing nothing but ringing and swishing doesn't help matters. The other issue I ran into last night was that my dreams were out of control!  I was feeling paranoid. Like someone was after me. I was constantly trying to hide. When I finally got myself to wake up, I couldn't shake the paranoid feeling. I'm OK right now. We'll have to see if it was just a fluke last night or if I will need to change things up. Again.

Getting back to the idea of the gym and getting workouts in, I'm trying to sell our treadmill. I can't use it. It's just sitting here collecting dust. I'm hoping to unload it soon so I can turn around and purchase a stationary bike. Having a bike at home will be such a huge help. I'll be able to get cardio in on days where it's difficult getting to the gym. Hopefully we can get that done soon.

Until then, I'm just here dealing with life on a moment-to-moment basis. Back to basics. Logging. No more fooling around. Enough. is. enough.