I'm still here.
I'm still doing my thing.
Have wanted to come on and blog a number of times but keep getting interrupted by one thing or another. On Monday, I thought I would participate in Kenlie's Friend Makin' Monday. I had the link up and the questions were ready to be answered. I didn't have the time I needed so I put it on hold to complete later in the day.
And then tragedy hit.
In my own back yard to boot.
OK, so I don't live in Boston. It's still my city though. I live close enough. When we travel and are asked "where are you from?", the answer is always "Boston".
So, as you can see, it wouldn't have felt right to come back and write about my eating and exercising habits while tragedy was unfolding.
I'm still not sure where my head is on this thing. Honestly, I think I'm like most Bostonians, I'm pissed off (sorry, it's true). I'm so sick of these sickos (whomever they may be), trying to suck the life out of everything. I have news for them. It's not gonna happen. Not here. Not in Boston. The people here are fighters. We won't give up. We aren't backing down. We aren't going to let you win. So, there.
This whole tragedy has got me thinking a lot about how precious life really is. Well, if truth be told, I've been doing a lot of thinking on the subject even before the incident. Now it's more in the forefront of my mind. This last season of The Biggest Loser, along with past instances (and some current ones), have me really thinking about the people I care the most about. There are a few people in my life who, like me, are in dire need of a lifestyle change. The thing is though, no matter how worried I am about these people, I can't say a word because I have to first make my own changes.
Oh. Wait. I have.
I've made a lot of changes. I am eating healthier. My daily caloric intake is under control (mostly). I am at the gym three days a week for an hour each time and I am more active than I have ever been in my daily life. Are things perfect? Nope. Do I struggle? Sure. The point is though that I have made a lifestyle change. Maybe now I can talk the talk because I am walking the walk.
It's so difficult though.
How do you find the words to tell someone that you care about so deeply that you are worried about them? I did find the words for one person that I care about. It was difficult, but something I had to do.
I'm having a hard time finding a way to speak to this other person though.
Let me go about things this way:
There was a contestant on The Biggest Loser this season that really got to me. If you watched, you'll remember Jeff....if you didn't, here's a link to The Biggest Loser page to see his video.
I remember sitting on my couch watching the episode where Bob Harper gets emotional with Jeff and I bawled my eyes out. He was saying all the things I was thinking about Jeff all along.I sat there and cried and cried not only because of Jeff's transformation but because the beginning Jeff reminded me of someone I care about. I would say to hubs all season long "doesn't Jeff remind you of so and so?".
Sorry if you're not a fan of the show. I just want to emphasize that I've been thinking about this for quite some time. Even with all this thinking, I still can't seem to find the words that need to be said. I know that people need to hit their rock bottom before a change can take place. I know this is hard work. I know that sometimes we don't recognize a problem within ourselves. Sometimes it's just easier to put the blame on other things.
I know all this because it's all that I have gone through and experienced. It's all stuff I still grapple with on a daily basis. The difference is that I've recognized that if I don't make the change, I'm not going to be around to see my kids graduate high school. If I didn't make the changes when I did, I would probably be pushing 400 pounds by now. But I'm not. I hit my bottom. I've pushed off of that bottom and am making my way back up to the top to catch my breath.
I feel healthy.
I feel strong.
I am happy.
I want all of that for this person.
Yet it's so hard to find the words, or more the way to have the talk. In some ways, it's not even my place to have the discussion. Yet, it's one that I want to have. I am very afraid that this person won't be around in 5 to 10 years. What then? Will I be angry with myself for not speaking up. But is it really my place? No one had the talk with me. If they had, I probably would have punched them out (figuratively speaking, of course). That thought alone, has me back to "say nothing".
It's a fine line we walk. I believe in the saying "live and let live". But is this person really living? Maybe. Maybe I'm seeing things all wrong. But I don't think so. I see the sadness that was in Jeff's eyes. I see a loneliness and deep sadness that is covered up by forced smiles.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better.