"Walk like a champion"

...a quote from Edmund.

We were discussing a number of things during my workout yesterday. During the course of our discussions, I had mentioned something about projection. I wrote about projection back in September of last year, but I never really told of the biggest lesson I learned from my "projection issues".

I was very fond of my Grandmother. Sadly, she passed a little over a year ago. Anyway, we were very close, but I always felt like she was secretly disappointed or ashamed of me because of my weight. You see, she was tiny. And when I say tiny, I mean tiny!  She would complain about how "famished" she was and go on to eat 1/2 a grilled cheese sandwich with a "cuppa tea". No lie. Sure, she had a sweet tooth (thanks Gram for passing that gene on to me!), but she always knew when enough was enough. She hated large plates with large amounts of food. Don't even get me started on how she felt about buffets!  I'll put it to you this way: she LOVED her sweets (as I just said), but when she'd head to the buffet she would refuse to eat anything for dessert because there were too many things to chose from - ruined her appetite. MAN! I wish I had that problem!

As I was saying, I always (more towards the last few years of her life) felt like she was ashamed to be around me. It ate me up inside. It came to "blows" one day after she wouldn't let me take her to a much-needed doctors appointment. My mother said something to her about how terrible it made me feel that she wouldn't let me take care of her once-in-awhile. Well, my Gram called me right away and said "Jenn! How could you think such things? I adore you!" She went on to explain her reasons for not letting me help her...it had more to do with the fact that I had 2 small children and she didn't want their schedules to be bothered.

Gram and I had a long chat that day. And I am so happy that we did. I cherished the time I had with her. She was a wonderful woman who had all the class in the world. The point is though that I learned to be more careful about my feelings about myself. Just because I may be feeling bad about myself doesn't mean that everyone else is feeling the same way about me.   (Darn it!  Now I am all teary eyed from talking about Gram. I miss her!)

After I told Edmund my story he went on to tell me that you can't see what other people are seeing. He gave a few examples: if you're looking at the color on a wall, someone may say it's pink while another may call it salmon. It doesn't mean that one or the other is wrong, they just see it differently.  He also told me I need to walk like a champion...head held high knowing that I am a beautiful person. The outside is just a shell. It's what's on the inside that truly counts. (cliche', I know...but it's true and something I am learning to accept everyday).

Projecting

I've started to realize that I am guilty of projecting my insecure feelings onto others -mostly strangers. It struck me today when I took my son to a "Mommy & Me" class. There was a woman there who I thought was scowling at me.  Every time I caught her eye, I felt like she was looking at me with disgust.  In fact, I was at the point where I almost said something to her.  I had no idea what I would have said and quickly thought better of it. Certainly wasn't the time nor the place. 

Then, there was a point in the class where she started speaking to me.  I realized at that moment, she wasn't the (insert expletive here) that I thought she was.  It turns out - per usual - that I was just projecting my negative feelings about myself onto this woman.  Certainly wasn't fair to her nor to myself.

This isn't the first time I've realized what I was (am) doing. I'm sure it won't be the last, but I know that I am doing it and will work on being more watchful of myself and my negative thoughts.

In a way, it's silly to worry about what others may think about me. I know who I am. I know who loves me. I have great friends and a wonderful family. That's all that really matters in life, isn't it? The next time I catch myself projecting, I will just smile at the person and will think a happy thought. I'll let you know how it goes. 

In the meantime, let's talk about this week's progress.  Things are going pretty well. I've been really busy with appointments and the like.  The little one is sick, thus sleeping has been very little. That always makes it difficult to "behave". All in all though, I've made some terrific food choices (a few that could have been better, but weren't terrible). I haven't been getting the exercise in that I need though.  The good news though is that tomorrow is the first day this week where I have zero previous engagements.  The little one and I will go on our 1 1/2 mile walk right after the big one gets on the bus.