Wednesday, July 18, 2012

What are you looking forward to?

The other night I was looking through the App store on the iPad and came across a journaling App called the Roller Journal which looked interesting so I thought I would give it a try.

The app gives you a question for you to answer. If you don't like the question or don't feel like answering it at that given time, you can opt for another question.  There are a number of questions that come with the app and then of course you can purchase other question packs to go along with the preloaded ones or you can opt to ignore the questions all together and just write freely. The choice is yours.

I opted to give the app a try. I like the idea of journaling (clearly since I set up this blog), but as you can probably tell, I don't stick with it all that much. I find myself wondering what to talk about even though I always have something to say...just ask my family!  

Anyway, I was playing with the app a bit this afternoon while my eldest was away at a playdate and my youngest was napping. I skipped through questions that really didn't pertain to my day today but gave some quick answers to a few others...the most interesting and probably scary one for me was:

"What are you looking forward to?" 

Hrm...This question stopped me right in my tracks. Why?  Because I couldn't even give a quick answer. I have no idea. I mean sure, I'm looking forward to my son  coming home from his very long playdate. I'm looking forward to making dinner...but that's not anything that "matters", nothing with a real purpose. I'm stumped. I really need to give this one some thought and come back to it. 

Why am I so stuck?  Well, I am really stuck in an emotional rut; I don't know how to get out of it. I've been here for a good 6-8 months. Every time I think I'm getting out of it, I get sucked back in.

Each summer, from the time I can remember (seriously! Since elementary or at least middle school), I would look look forward to the NEXT summer when I could be like the other girls and wear tank tops and be comfortable in my skin. I was going to work as hard as I could to get there and "next year" I would "be there".

Then the summer would end and I would be right back to not thinking about the tank tops and the short-shorts were a "thing of the past" and weren't anything to be seen for "a long time". Then, before I knew it, it would be summer again and I would be right back to the same old thinking..."next year..."

And I suppose I still think that way. But I'm getting away from it because I know I will never be able to wear a tank top. The damage is done and my arms (with out plastic surgery) will never be tank top worthy. I've ruined my body. And I feel like I've wasted my life. There is a part of me that thinks "what's the point? You've wasted 37 years on being fat. You've missed out on so much life as it is and you're getting older now..."  I catch myself once in a while and kick myself out of that way of thinking but the reality is that I'm floating there.   I've let myself get so heavy that there really isn't a way out. Not without help anyway...

I'm unwilling to have surgery (although, I have been thinking more and more seriously about it), and I lack the the self control to stick with the good eating and the gym going. Honestly, a lot of it comes down to sheer laziness. Yes. I said it. I fully admit it. One of my biggest problems is that I am lazy. I don't know how to fix 37 years of being lazy...

So, to answer your question Roller Journal, I am looking forward to not being lazy, having the energy and the desire to fight the good fight and get this weight off so I can enjoy life the way life is meant to be enjoyed. 


  1. What you wrote here resonated with me so much. I am also the type to look ahead and hope for something better, when in reality I wasn't taking the steps I needed to get there. I'm slowly taking the steps to improve my life, but it's still a struggle.

    I know you said you're unwilling to have surgery, but since you wrote that you've been thinking more about it, I just want to say that I think you should at least find out more about how it would work for you, your insurance, etc. I was bound and determined not to have WLS for the longest time, and now I'm kicking myself for not starting the process sooner. I'm pre-op for weight loss surgery, which I'll be having as soon as I hit the goal weight the surgeon set for me. (Sometime this fall, I'm hoping).

    1. Thanks for your comment Bella!

      I do think about the surgery and I am pretty well educated and informed about the process. I did go to a consult twice and determined that it just isn't for me. I also know too many people who have become very ill and/or had some sort of other bad outcome from the has put me out of my comfort zone.

      That being said, I am not against the surgery. I feel it's a HUGE decision and I wish you all the luck in the world!