Fit for a princess

Day two of extreme heat! I can't take the heat! I turn into such a bear and make myself and everyone else around me miserable.  Hubs says I should do something about that. Not so sure I can change my genetic makeup, but I can move to Alaska for the summer!  :-)  See ya in September!

Well, now that the heat has really set in, so has some deep rooted emotions. I think today may have been my new rock bottom. Today was rough, I fought a lot of emotional demons and fought tears all while my heart was breaking. Some good came out of the day, so it's not all that bad...

So I put on my bucket list for the summer that I wanted to participate more in BBQ's. Well, my neighbor and good friend offered to have all the kids over right off the bus today for an end-of-year celebration. Great!  It's a win-win for everyone.  We get to have Mommy time and the kids get to blow off some energy and we'll get to use the pool to cool off. Can't get much better than that. The girls (my group of friends) asked me if I would go swimming today (I didn't go in at all last summer or the summer before). I said I would as long as it was just us...

I decided last night that I needed some pool attire: a coverup of some sort. So this morning I got the big kid on the bus and then came home to do a few chores before the little guy and I took off to find me a cover up. Long story short I ended up buying a "sun dress" and a skirt with top outfit to try. I did try on a cover up and hated it but the dress looked surprisingly better. I spent way more money than I would have liked, but I was feeling pretty good about my selections.

We returned home with enough time for us to change into swim stuff and to pack the car. I was happy and OK with pool-going. Then I opened up my email to see a message about more people being invited. One of them I hardly know and the other one is this tiny little bit of a thing. She's really pretty and I feel like a whale in comparison. My spirits where crushed. Off with the swimming stuff and back into my regular clothes.

Now I realize I could have and should have sucked it up and stayed in my swim attire. But I hate the way I look and feel in a swimsuit. I always have. The summer brings up all these past feelings of feeling sorry for myself and the self-loathing and all of that. And you may think "well, if you've always thought these things and have always felt that way, then why not change?" That's a great question!  And when I find the answer, I will be sure to let you know!

Once all the kids were fed and the lunch stuff was over, some of the moms decided to hop in the pool. No big deal. I'll just clean up a bit and all will be right with the world. As hot as it was today, it didn't feel as bad as yesterday, so I didn't feel too bad about not going into the pool....until....

...until I realized I crushed my 3 1/2 year old's spirit. I really wish I took a picture of him looking through the pool gate, longing to be in the pool with the other kids. I didn't take the picture because it was breaking my heart and I knew it was an image that would be forever in my mind. I now wish I took the shot so I could look at it every time I start to waiver.

So, he's longingly looking through the fence. Not saying a word.
Then he comes over and asks if "Mrs. xxx could 'help' him"
"No buddy, she's helping xxx".
"Why you no help me?"
I didn't have an answer. I really didn't know what to say to my big blue eyed little guy who wanted nothing more than to go in the pool. How could I tell him that "mommy hates herself and feels so gross and doesn't want anyone to see her like this, that's why you can't go in the pool"...I should have sucked-it-up and gone to get my suit.

He walked over to the food table and asked for a cookie, so I gave him one and he walked back to the pool...this time to the gate. I watched him reach for the lock and try to move it. I watched him reach for the key. I watched him shake and rattle the gate ever-so-slightly to try to get in that pool area. (Mind you, my heart is breaking and I am watching all of this through tears).
Then I watched him turn around, head down with slumped shoulders,  walked over to the food table for another cookie. That's when it hit me!  Hit me hard! This is where my eating began!  He was doing the same thing I would have done at his age or even any age after...reaching for food to console the bad feeling. You see, my parents "did stuff with us" or more brought us to places for them to watch us do stuff. They were overweight too and felt all the disgust and dispair that I was feeling today. They just  sat by and watched us grow up.  Just. As. I. Was. Doing. Today.

So you see, I figured something out today. My heart broke but a big huge light came on and a fighter woke up again. I can't sit here and watch as life passes me by as I have been for the last 37 years! I have to suck-it-up and make a change. I have to find the fight that I had a year ago. The light is back on and the fighter is waking up!

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Fast forward a little bit...my little guy did get to go swimming today. I took him in our pool. He was happy as a clam learning how to swim. He was so proud and couldn't wait to tell Daddy that he "swam" to me today!

The fighter swam a bunch of laps while in the pool. I'm in a world of hurt right now, but it's so good!

And about that sundress...I popped it on after the swim. We were playing in the yard and little guy says to me "Mommy!  you look JUST like a princess!"
"Why thank you buddy!" I think that was the sweetest thing ever! He's never seen me in a dress...only Disney princesses wear dresses, I guess.

Self loathing

Let me preface this post; I know it's not productive to have self-hate and negative thoughts.

I know it. 

You know it. 

Doesn't mean it doesn't happen. 

Today is most certainly one of those days where I'm having a lot of it going on. 

Maybe it's best to get it out and see what happens...

Who am I kidding?  My weight is going in the wrong direction. And the excuses are piling up. 

I'm not eating right.

I hate grocery shopping with every fiber of my being.

I hate cooking even more.

I use that hatred to feed into the not-buying-good-food thing. 

It's just easier to prepare the ready made crap or order in which makes me feel just like it - crap. 

I can blame the not-going-to-the-gym thing on my feet all I want. The reality though, is that as much as my feet hurt, the rest of me hurts too. I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. In a way, I feel worse. Both physical as well as psychological. 

Taking the physical first: I'm up 18 pounds from my lowest weight last year. EIGHTEEN pounds!  What?  Really? I was floating under 10 but have bumped up to 18 rather quick. Amazing how fast it comes on. Anyway, I am in a constant state of bloat. I can hardly breathe. My pants are getting tight. At first I hardly noticed. Today was another story though. My pants were so tight I could barely move. My stomach hurts from being restricted in them all day. 

So, my pants are getting tight, and I'm up on the scale. I'm also noticing that it's getting harder and harder to do the physical things. I get winded climbing stairs which was an easy task not that long ago. Walking up the street to bring my son to the busstop isn't fun either. I hurt all over and it's just three houses down the street. Really? That short of a walk is doing me in? Really? Really. 

The psychological toll is even worse than the physical. 

The psychological toll feeds the physical. 

It's a never-ending cycle. If I don't jump off of quickly, I will end up being up another twenty pounds heavier and right back to where I started from. Scary, scary thought. 

Anyway, I can't stop beating myself up. Again, I know it's not productive, but I'm doing it anyway. I can't escape all these thoughts. It's something I've lived with for almost 37 years. It's a thought process that is so engrained in me, I really don't know how to make it stop. 

I've been heavy for as long as I can remember. I've talked before about how I was put on diets as a young girl. My pediatrician as well as my gym teacher would always comment on how I needed to lose weight and it was never put very kindly. 

I've never felt good about myself. Never. People in my family (well meaning) would always say "but you have such a pretty face"...that's the worst thing you can say to someone with a weight problem. Yes, your face might be pretty but the rest of you? Well, you need a lot of work....that's what I took from it. Right or wrong, it's how I felt. I will never, ever, say "but you have such a pretty face" to anyone!  

Moving forward to my teenage years...and even just before...I BEGGED my parents to let me go away to "fat camp" during the summer before entering high school. I so desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to have the boys like me. I wanted to be noticed and not because of my "thunder thighs". 

When I was in the eighth grade, I had my first big crush. I was so "in love" with this boy that I sat next to in science class. We got along really well. We always laughed and had a great time in class. Soon it started to become a little more than just a "classroom friendship", we began passing each other notes in the hallway and if there was time, we'd stop to chat for a moment. We were becoming friends and possibly a bit more. That was until his buddy told him that I was too fat to like. Man did that hurt! It hurt bad!  It affected our friendship too. It was the first time I really listened to my mother's advice; She told me that I needed to just let him think about what he did (said) and let him come to me. She was right. He eventually came to me to apologize for hurting me. Our friendship was never the same.

(As a side note, the boy who told him not to like me because of my "fatness" was fat himself. It's rather laughable in retrospect.)

It was that incident that led me to wanting to go to Weight Watchers summer camp. I was more determined than ever to get "skinny" and fit in for the start of high school. I lost 24 pounds and 3 dress sizes that summer. It wasn't enough. I still didn't fit in. I was still 60 pounds or so over weight. Not many could see how much work I put in during that summer. The good feelings I had from the summer soon passed and with it went my smaller waste line. By the end of high school, I was in a size 26/28 and pushing 260 pounds. I was a miserable mess. 

Every year during high school (and years since) I would tell myself "next summer I'm going to wear a tank top, I'm going to lose this weight and I'm going to finally enjoy the summertime!" Every. Single. Year. Last year included. The difference though is that last October I really believed that I would be closer to my goal.  Oh how wrong (again) I was/am. 

When I started losing weight last year, I reminded myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I lose weight at a snail's pace. Always have. Always will. I've kept it in the back of my mind that it's A-OK to lose 50-60 pounds in a year. It'll take me a while, but I will eventually get there. 

But, here I am. Eighteen pounds up from my almost-50 down. 

It's high-time I let that go. It's time to brush it all off. Forget about the past. Take a deep breath and move on. I need to remember why I started taking better care of myself last year. I need to remember what it felt like to feel good. I was feeling good about myself physically and mentally a first since that summer spent in Weight Watchers camp. I need to find that girl again. I know she won't be hard to find. She's not that far gone. Just need to pull her out of the rut and push her back in the right direction. 

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Update: When I finished writing this piece, I got up and popped in a workout video. I'm now sweating a feel so much better for getting some of this out and giving myself a "beating"

It's a new day

Yesterday I logged my weekly weigh in. I said I wasn't too disappointed with not losing. And truth be told, I wasn't. I'm used to the pattern and know I just have to roll with it.

My behavior yesterday told a completely different story though. For some reason I just kept snacking and snacking and snacking. I was so far over my calories yesterday, not sure how I could ever dig out. It's OK. I'm not beating myself up or even contemplating continuing down that path. I hated the way I felt and am not going back.

Today is a new day. Not looking back at yesterday but looking to what I can do today and in this moment. The plan is to hit the farmer's market today so we'll have tons of fresh fruits and veggies on hand. I'm also staying away from the kitchen this morning. My son had a sleepover last night. The kids want pancakes. If I start my day with that it'll just turn bad for the rest of the day. I know that. It's pretty much what happened yesterday.

Angel vs Devil

Today (Friday - saving post for Saturday) I am having a rough time with food. It's the first time in a really long time I want to eat- just to eat. It's like the whole angel vs. the devil thing going on over here. I have the angel saying "Don't do it!  you don't want it, you don't need it! You'll be fine once you get back in that gym!"  Then there is the devil saying "to heck with it!  You deserve a day off." 


There's that (sometimes) dangerous word - deserve. It's a word so perfect for when things are going right or to get you moving off the couch. I deserve to be healthier. I deserve to have an hour to myself to get healthy. I deserve spending a little more for healthier food options. The list goes on and on...

Now the devilish version... You've worked so hard, you deserve to have some (insert poor food-choice option here). Which is all well and good if and only if it stops right there. Today?  Not so much.

My neighborhood friends (moms from the bus stop -we call ourselves the BSB's - bus stop bitches {or beauties if you so prefer}) get together every Friday for coffee. It's our little way of unwinding and having a bit of adult time before the start of the weekend. We of course will call an "emergency BSB meeting" if needed. Anyway, I am usually really good during our coffee hour. I will either just have my coffee or will bring something healthy to go with my coffee. Today I decided I would partake in a little indulgence and have some coffee cake. I had 2 tiny slices (OK, maybe 3 because the little man didn't want his, but I gave him a sliver of a sliver)...so 1 "normal" slice I would say. Not too bad really.

The trouble is things didn't stop there. If they had, I would have been just fine. And because I lost it today, I feel like poo (to say the least). My blood sugar is all out of whack...I'm having major issues with hypoglycemia because of the poor choices today. My stomach is all in knots, I just want to go to bed and start over tomorrow.

The rest of the week is going to be about damage control. I think I "needed" today to remind me how good it really does feel to eat well. I don't want to feel this gross ever again. I know it will happen again, but to minimize damage in the future is going to be key.

I don't know if I can be anymore honest. But there it is. Moving on now...


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This morning I hit the gym. Hit-it-hard. I felt so weak from not being in there for a week, but I made it through a great workout. When I was done, I looked like I had been swimming!  Gross, I know. I hear it's really good to sweat though. It means everything is working in order and I'm becoming more athletic. Me? Athletic? Not so sure about that; I suppose in some small way I am well on my way to being athletic.