Day two of extreme heat! I can't take the heat! I turn into such a bear and make myself and everyone else around me miserable. Hubs says I should do something about that. Not so sure I can change my genetic makeup, but I can move to Alaska for the summer! :-) See ya in September!
Well, now that the heat has really set in, so has some deep rooted emotions. I think today may have been my new rock bottom. Today was rough, I fought a lot of emotional demons and fought tears all while my heart was breaking. Some good came out of the day, so it's not all that bad...
So I put on my bucket list for the summer that I wanted to participate more in BBQ's. Well, my neighbor and good friend offered to have all the kids over right off the bus today for an end-of-year celebration. Great! It's a win-win for everyone. We get to have Mommy time and the kids get to blow off some energy and we'll get to use the pool to cool off. Can't get much better than that. The girls (my group of friends) asked me if I would go swimming today (I didn't go in at all last summer or the summer before). I said I would as long as it was just us...
I decided last night that I needed some pool attire: a coverup of some sort. So this morning I got the big kid on the bus and then came home to do a few chores before the little guy and I took off to find me a cover up. Long story short I ended up buying a "sun dress" and a skirt with top outfit to try. I did try on a cover up and hated it but the dress looked surprisingly better. I spent way more money than I would have liked, but I was feeling pretty good about my selections.
We returned home with enough time for us to change into swim stuff and to pack the car. I was happy and OK with pool-going. Then I opened up my email to see a message about more people being invited. One of them I hardly know and the other one is this tiny little bit of a thing. She's really pretty and I feel like a whale in comparison. My spirits where crushed. Off with the swimming stuff and back into my regular clothes.
Now I realize I could have and should have sucked it up and stayed in my swim attire. But I hate the way I look and feel in a swimsuit. I always have. The summer brings up all these past feelings of feeling sorry for myself and the self-loathing and all of that. And you may think "well, if you've always thought these things and have always felt that way, then why not change?" That's a great question! And when I find the answer, I will be sure to let you know!
Once all the kids were fed and the lunch stuff was over, some of the moms decided to hop in the pool. No big deal. I'll just clean up a bit and all will be right with the world. As hot as it was today, it didn't feel as bad as yesterday, so I didn't feel too bad about not going into the pool....until....
...until I realized I crushed my 3 1/2 year old's spirit. I really wish I took a picture of him looking through the pool gate, longing to be in the pool with the other kids. I didn't take the picture because it was breaking my heart and I knew it was an image that would be forever in my mind. I now wish I took the shot so I could look at it every time I start to waiver.
So, he's longingly looking through the fence. Not saying a word.
Then he comes over and asks if "Mrs. xxx could 'help' him"
"No buddy, she's helping xxx".
"Why you no help me?"
I didn't have an answer. I really didn't know what to say to my big blue eyed little guy who wanted nothing more than to go in the pool. How could I tell him that "mommy hates herself and feels so gross and doesn't want anyone to see her like this, that's why you can't go in the pool"...I should have sucked-it-up and gone to get my suit.
He walked over to the food table and asked for a cookie, so I gave him one and he walked back to the pool...this time to the gate. I watched him reach for the lock and try to move it. I watched him reach for the key. I watched him shake and rattle the gate ever-so-slightly to try to get in that pool area. (Mind you, my heart is breaking and I am watching all of this through tears).
Then I watched him turn around, head down with slumped shoulders, walked over to the food table for another cookie. That's when it hit me! Hit me hard! This is where my eating began! He was doing the same thing I would have done at his age or even any age after...reaching for food to console the bad feeling. You see, my parents "did stuff with us" or more brought us to places for them to watch us do stuff. They were overweight too and felt all the disgust and dispair that I was feeling today. They just sat by and watched us grow up. Just. As. I. Was. Doing. Today.
So you see, I figured something out today. My heart broke but a big huge light came on and a fighter woke up again. I can't sit here and watch as life passes me by as I have been for the last 37 years! I have to suck-it-up and make a change. I have to find the fight that I had a year ago. The light is back on and the fighter is waking up!
Fast forward a little bit...my little guy did get to go swimming today. I took him in our pool. He was happy as a clam learning how to swim. He was so proud and couldn't wait to tell Daddy that he "swam" to me today!
The fighter swam a bunch of laps while in the pool. I'm in a world of hurt right now, but it's so good!
And about that sundress...I popped it on after the swim. We were playing in the yard and little guy says to me "Mommy! you look JUST like a princess!"
"Why thank you buddy!" I think that was the sweetest thing ever! He's never seen me in a dress...only Disney princesses wear dresses, I guess.