Stuff

Thank you all for the positive vibes and tips on digging out of what could be a depression.  I'm having a hard time deciding if I'm on the cusp of an actual depression or if it's more of an anxiety issue that I'm feeling.  Either way, I have not taken any meds as of yet.  I've been practicing my deep, calm breathing and trying to focus on one thing at a time.  

That is all easier said than done with all that I have going on around here.  Still dealing with the bathroom project (ALMOST done!). And now I'm participating in another tag sale which is being held by a local mother's club. I've put off tagging everything until the last minute because I really didn't want to see all the clutter from the tag sale on top of all the miscellaneous tools and such that are still laying around from the bathroom.

This is what is greeting me when walking into my kitchen from the garage

Reminds me, I have to go drop that birthday present off

 Two giant piles of kid's clothes covering the ottoman and floor of the living room

what you can't really see is the trash bags of stuff that needs to be sorted and put in the attic

Pile of toys that still need to be sorted and tagged. 

That Jake (pirate) stuff angers me.  My little guy INSISTED that Santa and everyone get him that stuff for Christmas last year - he played with it ONCE! 

Lesson learned. 

There is another one just like it on the other side of this giant chair in the living room

Needless to say, I have a lot of work to do.  I worked on this project for the greater part of yesterday. Today's goal is to get through all the buckets in the photo from the kitchen.  What does that entail? Well, most of those totes are filled with clothes. I need to go through them making sure there aren't any rips or stains, then I need to run them through the wash. After all that is done I'll sort them by size, enter them into the online system, print, tag and put everything on hangers.  It sounds like a lot (and it is) but I have a system.  The longest part is having to wash it all.  Good thing I have a large washer!  So, if you need me, I will be buried under some crazy pile of kid's clothes.  

I'd like to note that I have this amount of clothes because I saved them from my first son to be used for my second. Well, they are opposite seasons so my little guy didn't get much use out of the elder's stuff. I was hanging on to all their clothes thinking I may have a third child and if it was a boy, clothes would be covered.  Now I realize that it's just crazy to have all this stuff hanging out in the attic.  IF (big IF at my age) I have another baby, I will shop at thrift shops for his/her clothes. 

As if all this isn't enough to do, I'm also taking on another giant project; my son's fourth grade memory book.   I've been volunteered to put the memory book together and get it off to the printer in the spring.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I think it's also going to be a fun project.  There are a number of parents (including myself) who are "photographers" for events throughout the year.  Last week I went in and took photos of one event that the classes were doing.  All the photos will then be put into a shared space where I will weed through them to find the "best ones" and start putting together a page for the memory book.  I'll then meet up with the team to see what everyone likes/doesn't like and make changes from there.    It's a bit of a learning curve for me but I'm really looking forward to it. 

The final thing to tell you is that I made it back into the gym!  Today was my first day back with my trainer.  I'll just be going in on Monday (that will probably change) and Friday each week.  I'm hurting a bit right now but I feel really good. I missed my workouts, I missed feeling strong. 

With all this going on, I am feeling a little better about things.  Thanks again for all your well wishes! I really appreciate it! 

Time to feel like a zombie

Thank you all again for the well-wishes for hubs.   He is doing much better.   He still has a slight headache but it's not getting in the way of day-to-day activities.

Unfortunately for me, I'm not getting any better.
I'm still an overwhelmed stress case.
My attitude  is very poor.

Might be time to pop an antidepressant.  I hate that.  I don't like feeling like a zombie but right now it will be a step above feeling overwhelmed by even the simplest of tasks.  Sigh.

A new day

Thank you for the well-wishes for hubs.
He's doing better today. The swelling has come down and there is less redness. The doctor says the antibiotics must be helping but still doesn't know what it is.   The thing that is concerning me right now is that he's had a headache all day.  He's had headaches before so it shouldn't be a problem, I just worry because of this odd thing that is happening in his legs.

I'm still in a sour mood. Probably worse than I have been in a while.  My mother just asked me about the bathroom status and I nearly jumped off the deep end. She was taken aback by my reaction and really couldn't imagine why I am feeling the way that I am.

My mood is so sour that I took an email the wrong way today. I had the smarts to not respond to it but it still didn't sit with me very well.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Count to ten.
It's not that bad.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Plate is full

Ever feel so overwhelmed that if one more thing, even the tiniest of things goes wrong, you'll go off the deep end?  And by the deep end I'm talking full-on, old fashioned nervous breakdown kind of deep end. You know, where your hair falls out in clumps, you have knots the size of king kong's fists in your shoulders, you begin to have a bit of IBS issues...you get the picture.

So, have you ever felt that way?

That's pretty much where I am at right at this moment.  The trouble is that I have a history of depression.  The above is a fair description of what it feels like to be depressed.  I have to be able to differentiate between an actual depression and "real-life" stress. That's NOT to say that depression isn't real-life, because it IS. I just mean that things can seem bigger than they really are when you are in a depression.  

I'm 99.99% sure that what I am feeling and thinking isn't part of a depression.  I guess I just need to be really careful to not let it get to that point. Meds suck. (Just sayin').  For right now though, there is just too much on my plate. If I go through the list one at a time, I think "oh, that's not so bad". The trouble is though that when things get piled on top of each other, it feels like a mountain. And my mountain doesn't look to be shrinking.

What really stinks about how I'm feeling is that I'm adding guilt to my pile.  Oh, I know I shouldn't ever feel bad (guilty) about how I'm feeling. We have feelings for a reason. When people around me have bigger issues, my little ones that make a big giant pile seem so insignificant which ends up making me feel ridiculous for having so much stress over what is meaningless items in the bigger picture.

What has me so stressed out?
Let's start with the one that has been a big problem for a number of months.  The bathroom. Yup!  It's STILL not done!  Every single time I see an end in sight and think "oh, we should have a shower by the end of next week", something blows that plan right the hell up. I've been fighting tears every day for two weeks about this stupid remodel.  My best guess is that it will be another two weeks before we'll have a working shower in there.  It really gets me down. You have no idea. Even writing right now I am fighting the tears.  The amount of stress this stupid bathroom has caused....
best let it be for right now before I go and have myself an aneurysm.

Then there is a pile of other less-significant stuff. Some I've already handled, some I'm still processing and handling and other stuff that replaces stuff I've already dealt with.  Like having to pay $1000 in car repairs on hub's car today. Or the fact that I also need new tires (only 2) and that will be another couple of hundred.

All that and I'm also worried about hubs.  He has a strange thing growing on his legs.  It started out looking like a possible blood clot (he was tested, it's not). Now it's grown even bigger and is in a few other spots.  Let's leave it as I'm worried about him.  He's feeling OK so that's a good sign. Still can't help but worry.

So, if you have a magic wand, would you mind casting a spell to finish the stupid bathroom so all the smaller stuff won't feel so big?  Thanks.

 

Recovery is hard

The boy's surgery went well.  He was discharged from the hospital a little early because he was doing so well.  As soon as the nurse said "technically he can go now",  the boy jumped out of bed and started getting dressed. He was looking forward to getting home to play with the new Hot Wheels set I bought for him as a prize for having to go through the surgery. Luckily he was hopped up on drugs yesterday and was able to play for awhile before the pain set in today.

Today was a bit rough.  He woke up in pain and no sooner did we give him his meds did he start vomiting.  The poor kid. Imagine having your tonsils out and then having to vomit on top of it. Ouch!  On top of all that, he ended up spiking a fever.  That worried me a little.  They say it's normal after surgery but I still didn't like it.

Needless to say, it's been a long day.  I'm thinking tomorrow should be a bit better as his fever broke a little while ago and he finally agreed to drink something other than the few sips of water that I had to plead to get him to drink.  Hopefully tomorrow we'll be able to get him to eat a little something.

It's going to get rough even as he's healing because I'm told to keep him relatively inactive. That should be fun.  I have a four year old boy. You do the math on that one!  I'll just have to take it one day at a time, I guess.

This has been a rough road emotionally and physically.  The physical stuff has to do with the types of stuff I've been eating over the last few days. We've been so busy this week that I never even thought to make sure there was enough in the fridge to get us through surgery day and today.  I was left eating less than stellar kinds of foods.  Let's put it this way, I am dying for a proper meal.  I can't believe that I used to eat like this on a daily basis!  No meals.  Just icky snack-like items that are packaged and come with no nutritional content.  I'm craving a salad and some fruit!  Thankfully, hubs has offered to run to the grocery store tonight to pick up some essentials for the morning. I'll then be able to work on a meal plan for the rest of the weekend and into next week.

The weather is cooling back down.  With that, I plan on starting my walks back up.  The rough part though is that tiny man can't join me on his bike...not for another 10 days or so!  Poor kid.  Until then, I will walk on my own on the days that I can and I am committing to start my at-home workouts back up.  I feel like sludge and don't like it.

Setting goals for the rest of September:

• Lose 11 pounds-or as much as I can (that's what I've gained-YIKES! -I'm owning it. No excuses. No nothing.  Moving on).
• Hydrate!  Oh how I haven't been drinking enough water.  Every organ in me hurts. And the swelling!  Ugh. 
• Along with hydration - cut down on the diet soda. I'll quit some day.  I'm just not ready just yet.  You can show me all the posters and statistics you want, I'm still gonna drink it.  I'll get off it again.  I probably won't announce it though until I've stopped for quite some time. This is a rough one for me. I'm an addict and I know it. :) 
• Get back into exercise. I'm not going to the gym right now, can't afford it. I will commit to doing at-home stuff though.  I need it. I feel better doing it. I will be a happier gal if I just do it. 

That should be a good start. I keep trying to hit that restart button and then get derailed.  I'm pretty sure I've hit my "rock bottom" for now though. I hate the way I am feeling. These last few days have really helped me to remember why I was eating better and getting into the gym.  Have to just take it moment by moment and those moments will eventually turn into days then weeks...you get the idea. The rough part is getting started. Need a few great days under the belt which is always good for a bit of momentum.  

Busy, busy

I have a love/hate relationship with days like today. It was a busy morning with running errands which ended up being cut a little short when I realized my tiny man was passed out in the back seat. When we got home, he woke long enough to tell me to put a big blanket on him and take his shoes off. When he woke up, he had a fever. Not good. I'm going to reschedule his surgery which he is going to hate because he'll have to have blood tests done again. He hates that!  

Anyway, I head to work only to worry about him at home. Work was straight-out crazy!  My boss laughed at me because at one point I started talking to myself. Hey, it's the only way I can keep semi-sane sometimes. I'm sure you do it too. Right? Right. 

The good news with being this busy is that there isn't much time for eating. The bad news is much of the same.  Although, today was pretty good. I really didn't make terrible choices and feel like today is a win.  

Tomorrow is another story.  The temps are supposed to reach in the mid-high 90's with 100% humidity.  We've been hanging around in the 70's so it will be a huge adjustment.  Thankfully it's not sticking around.  It's just going to be an extra bummer if the boy has a fever, he'll be yelling at me to turn the A/C off for sure. 

I need some much-needed "me" time. I'm thinking that if tiny man is still with a fever tomorrow, I may set him up with a good movie in the playroom and I'll do a little crafting. I will also have to do some mommy/"baby" snuggle time. 

Alright, off to unwind for the night. I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be in for a long day tomorrow. :( I hate it when the kids are sick. Breaks my heart to see them this way. 

Back to the routine

We're settling back into a routine over here in New England. My nine year old started back to school last Wednesday and my little guy started his last year of preschool today.  It's nice to have them both back at school. There is less fighting, less yelling (that will be short lived, I'm sure), and we are all settling nicely into a routine.

I also go back to work today.  I'm looking forward to my two nights away at work.  It really does the Mama good when she has time away from the house. I'm supposedly starting work for my brother today too. He was supposed to call me over the weekend to get things set up. I'm still waiting. Honestly, it's fine with me if we don't start today. I want to enjoy 3 hours to myself!

I usually have my gym time scheduled for now. I purposefully didn't schedule anything this week so I could enjoy some much-needed quiet time. As it turns out though, I won't be able to start next week either because my son is having surgery (nothing serious) on Thursday and will be out of school all next week.  It's all good though. Mama really needs some quiet alone time.

Little man and I have started an afternoon bike ride (well, I walk). He and I have had some fun taking our afternoon walk/ride around the neighborhood.  The only trouble is that I've been breaking out in hives from the sun.  It's been quite annoying and is getting worse.  I'm at my wits end about it. I feel like a lot of the fun has been sucked out of my life because of allergies of one kind or another. If you're a kid with allergies, you don't know what you're missing. As an adult with adult-onset allergies, you really tend to get ticked off. Trust me.

All this food allergy stuff makes me think long and hard about really giving juicing a try.  Trouble is though that every time I juice anything, my gag reflex kicks in. Even with things I like -(apples and carrots). I'm also seriously considering the Whole 30 program.  That would also be a rough one for me, I'm not a fan of many veggies.  Either way, I have to do something.  I can't keep getting hives all the time.

With all this routine talk, I'm adding this blogging business back to my stack of to-dos. It really helps to keep me on track.  So, back to the routine it is. Back tomorrow.