What nice weather

What a week!
The sun was shining, the temp was rising.
Too beautiful to be inside, that's for sure!
Thursday was too hot. I actually broke out a fan to cool the place down a bit. The kids were even complaining it was too hot. You know it's hot when the kids are complaining about it!

Today?  Well, we're back to regular old March temps. It was supposed to be in the mid-sixties, but I would say it's in the fifties. I am freezing and getting cranky without the sun!

How did my week go food/exercise wise?  Well, it started off great. Then it went down hill. I just can't seem to get my stuff together. I'm stuck in a rut; thinking wise. My thoughts are deep and dark right now. I'm really starting to feel bad about myself. I feel like a failure in so many ways...I need to sit down and get it all out to see if I can make sense of it. Then, I need to let it go and get back on the horse.

My jeans are tight today. Very tight. I guess it's "good" in the sense it's a constant reminder that I'm really headed back to the place I started a year ago. I will NOT get back to that place. It took me way too long to get the little weight I did get off, off. Not starting over. Just starting from here.

I really am not having and coherent thoughts today. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm spending the rest of the day reflecting and planning. I'm not going to let my thoughts eat at me too much. I know it's not going to solve anything.

Friend Makin' Mondays:Online Dating

Happy Monday!  Or something like that. The only thing that is really good about this Monday is that it is beautiful outside!  I plan on spending a great deal of the day playing outside with my little guy. Just have to hope my feet will keep up. I woke up a bit sore this morning but am hopeful some stretches will get me through. 

I may have lied a bit. There are two good things about this Monday.  I am down 4.1 pounds this week. I know it's water weight, but I will take it none-the-less. 

And now onto some fun:

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Online Dating

1. Have you ever tried online dating? Yes. 
2. If you’ve done it, what did you like about it? What did you dislike?  Well, seeing as it's how I met my husband, I should be answering the questions from that perspective. :D  Even before meeting my husband, I had tried the online dating scene. I liked being myself without having to worry about my looks. I never actually met anyone in real life though until I met my now husband. When I met my husband, I was actually in another relationship that was on going sour - fast. I wanted to find someone to talk to more than to find love. But I did find love and am happy I signed on to whatever site it was that I used. 
3. If you haven’t done it, would you? If you have done it, would you do it again? Why or why not?  My husband hopes I wouldn't. ;-)
4. What precautions would you take before going out with someone that you met online? Like everything else you do online - be careful of the kinds of information you share. 
5. Do you have a favorite dating site?  If so, what is it?     I don't know what sites are out there anymore. 
6. What questions would you ask before agreeing to a date?  I'd like to know where they were in their life. Would want to make sure we're in the same place - (example: if I was looking for something serious and he wasn't). 
7. How long would you correspond with someone online before meeting them?  I spoke with my husband for a few weeks before meeting in person. 
8. In your opinion, what are the pros to meeting someone online?  It's like an old-fashioned romance. You can truly be yourself. 
9. In your opinion, what are the cons of online dating? It's hard to know if someone is sincere in their words. 
10. Share a funny or embarrassing online dating experience with us if you have one.  I don't have one. I think I made out quite well. I hope you'll give it a whirl if you're on the dating scene. 

Now it’s your turn!  Don’t forget to post your answers then come back and link up in the comments!  Happy Monday friends!

The million dollar question

To medicate or not to medicate?

Well, the answer is to NOT medicate. Sadly, I am coming off of the Wellbutrin. I sent off an email to the doctor earlier in the week because my ears are ringing. I have partial hearing loss with tinnitis as it is so this added ringing just isn't fun. My poor kids, I'm constantly asking them to speak up. They are tired of having to repeat themselves (maybe they'll learn something from that - doubt it!). So, with the tinnitis and the other side effects, we're opting to get me off of the Wellbutrin. Watch out world!  ;-)

My doctor is reluctant to put me on anything else. She is so overly concerned with my gaining weight. I was on Fluoxetine for four years and didn't gain anything due to the medication. I'm not worried about it. I've been obese my whole entire adult life. Hell, I've been obese since I was an early teenager, I'm not concerned about adding pounds, I'm more concerned about getting along in life. I wish she'd get that! Anyway, once I am weaned off, I will meet with her about getting on to something else.

Until then, it's back to eating right for me!
I didn't do too bad this week. I have one more day to go before I weigh in on Monday. I've decided to just start the slate clean. My new day one was last Monday. I'm filing away the weight loss from last year and starting anew. I think it's the best thing to do as I've been up and down the same 10-15 pounds since December.

Today was the first day that I've really felt my weight gain. It's just a slight gain, but I could feel it in my jeans. My belly feels so incredibly full. I'm so bloated and could hardly button my pants. My husband and I did a lot of work around the house (spring cleaning sort of stuff), and I could hardly move. I felt like I did when I was nearly forty pounds heavier!  I haven't felt this bad in a very, very long time!  I'm *almost* feeling hopeless. *Almost* ready to say to hell with it and do the drastic thing and go for the consult for the surgery. But, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to stay the coarse and will make progress.

Hubs had his check-up last week and was given a month to get things in order before he's put on blood pressure meds. He hates meds as much as I do so he's ready to get going with me. That will be a huge help to me!  We've done the weight loss thing together in the past and have done really well. He always feels bad though because he loses so much faster than I do. He's a typical male. Lucky SOB! HAHA. I have to fight for every ounce...but as long as I have a sparring partner, I think I will be OK.

I have LoseIt.Com open in my browser. All ready for more logging. We did our meal planning this morning for the week ahead. All is ready to get into week two.

Shopping

I must be getting old!  I went clothes shopping yesterday. The weather is starting to warm up a bit and all my stuff from last year was donated in the fall because it was all too big. I'm happy to (still) be in a smaller size, just not happy about the prices!

I walked into one of my favorite (plus size) clothing stores yesterday just to be sticker shocked. I knew going in that they are a bit more expensive than I would like but the other retailer that I used to frequent has since closed their doors...most of them anyway...the next closest one to me is 20 minutes away. Anyway, in I go knowing that I will only be able to buy 2-3 tops. HA! I didn't purchase a thing. All the cotton shirts (nothing special about them) started at over $30!  I couldn't believe it!  Out I walked.

I did end up finding another store (the one that closed it's local doors). I was able to buy a week's worth of tops for the price of 3 at the other place.

Seriously, what is going on with all the rising costs. It's crazy!  I used to shake my head and roll my eyes when my (late) grandmother would complain about prices. And here I am doing the same thing. Then I think about it and realize how crazy I am. I'm OK with spending just over $2 for a cup of coffee at the drive thru but won't spend the money on stuff that I need. What is up with that?

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And to yesterday's business....just keeping me on track and honest....
Calories in 2130
Calories out -Physical Therapy bike only- 123

And a photo of my ugly feet while being iced and electric stim. Gotta say that as crazy as it sounds, this is one of my favorite things. I think it's one of the things that is really helping me. I'm considering buying my own machine when PT is over.

And just how are things with my feet anyway?  Well, I rested them a lot over the weekend. By Monday I was pain free. Like I mentioned yesterday, I did take a little walk on Monday which was OK. Then yesterday I did a lot of shopping (walking). I was a bit sore by the end of my trip and was happy to be in PT yesterday. This morning I'm a little sore but am functioning.

I asked my therapist what she thought of the cortisone shot. She said she hates shots but if I thought it would help to go ahead and do it, but based on my pain level the last few days I should probably hold off.

My appointment with the doctor is this afternoon. Very curious to see what she has to say about it. I just feel like if I could get to a pain-free (or as close to as possible), I'd be less depressed and more willing/able to get into the gym without worry about how I am going to feel when I am done.

One day at a time

Overall, yesterday wasn't too bad!

I found that I did really well for most of the day but struggled at night. It really was my own fault. I got busy and didn't have anything prepped. Goes to show the importance of prepping and planning!

I took my son out for a walk around our little block too. I was a bit nervous about that given the condition of my feet. They were a bit sore last night but are OK today. Maybe the physical therapy is starting to help. I'll be meeting with the physical therapist today, we'll see what she has to say.

My total calories (in) yesterday were 2117

Calories (out) during the walk 107

So, I was over my intake by about 100 calories. I'm OK with that.

Today is a new day and will be even better than yesterday!

I have some concerns about the Wellbutrin too. I have an email in to the doctor to discuss. I have tinnitus along with hearing loss...the Wellbutrin is making the tinnitus worse. I can hardly hear myself think!  My mouth is so dry, my voice is hoarse, I had a sore throat, been getting headaches....wondering how long all this is supposed to last?

Well, the fridge is now chockfull of fresh fruits and veggies. I'm ready to rock and roll. Bring on the day!

Getting Back

Alright. Enough is enough.

That is my mantra every. single. day.

Today isn't much different other than that so far I'm really living that mantra (it's not quite noon yet so I can't be claiming success!). I'm going back to my basics...living moment to moment and going no further than that. I was up on the scale this morning. Big time. No more. I will not gain everything back and start at square one all over again. I will not go back!

As it is, I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. I'm out of breath and I hurt. Some of my clothes are getting tight. That is so depressing! I need to work hard at finding ways around my pain and get-it-done. I haven't been in the gym for about 6 weeks now!  YIKES!  I wish I could go for a walk or do an exercise tape. I just can't right now with my feet being in pain.

Although, today is the first day in a long time that my feet are pain-free!  I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow and an appointment with the podiatrist on Wednesday. I'm going to discuss with both of them the idea of having another cortisone shot (ouch!). My thinking is that if I can get my feet to pain free on a more permanent basis (at least 6 months with the cortisone shot), then I can concentrate on working hard to get this weight off. This is my life with plantar fasciitis.

Another possible hurdle is the Welbutrin. I've switched my time of intake (DR suggestion) to before bedtime. Because I tend to remember my meds before bed, I am more likely to stay consistent. And I have been. It's really helped me get my moods back in the right direction. I'm not feeling as moody as I have been, which is great for everyone!  The downside though is that my ears are ringing. Ringing bad. I have partial hearing loss on my left side as it is so hearing nothing but ringing and swishing doesn't help matters. The other issue I ran into last night was that my dreams were out of control!  I was feeling paranoid. Like someone was after me. I was constantly trying to hide. When I finally got myself to wake up, I couldn't shake the paranoid feeling. I'm OK right now. We'll have to see if it was just a fluke last night or if I will need to change things up. Again.

Getting back to the idea of the gym and getting workouts in, I'm trying to sell our treadmill. I can't use it. It's just sitting here collecting dust. I'm hoping to unload it soon so I can turn around and purchase a stationary bike. Having a bike at home will be such a huge help. I'll be able to get cardio in on days where it's difficult getting to the gym. Hopefully we can get that done soon.

Until then, I'm just here dealing with life on a moment-to-moment basis. Back to basics. Logging. No more fooling around. Enough. is. enough.

It's been how long?

Wow!  I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged!  This seems to happen to me quite often. I go through periods of time where I am writing daily and then seem to hit a wall of sorts and just plain blank out.

Well, here I am. And how am I doing since we last met?
Better.
Kind of.

What does that mean, exactly?  Well, I am now on Wellbutrin (I have PMDD) and am feeling a bit better around my cycle. No one had to run for their lives. Progress! I've been on the Wellbutrin for about a month now and at first I really didn't think the dosage would need to be adjusted, but now I am thinking I just may have to go up a bit. I'm still not feeling 100% in my mental capacity, but I am going to give it a bit more time.

I did something I don't typically do this morning. I put on make up. Now, you may be thinking "WHAT?!  She doesn't wear makeup?" Well, yes and no. I don't wear make up on a regular basis because I am allergic to it. I am allergic to every brand that I have found that claims to be hypoallergenic and organic and, and, and...So, I usually keep the makeup wearing for special occasions.

As I was saying, I decided to put on a bit of makeup today to make myself feel better. I thought if I did that I may help push myself into a better state of mind. It worked.

Now, why else haven't I been writing?
Well, because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am here writing about my weight loss and I'm just stuck. I know a lot of it has to do with my mental state, but I also know that my mental state will improve some if I just get on with it.

That all being said, I did start my gluten free fun last week. It's particularly hard for me because I am allergic to rice and rice is put in everything as it is, but is used a lot more in things that are gluten free. So, last week I just let myself ride it out however it went. Just to get used to it again. This week is about planning. My husband was nice enough to go through and plan our dinners out for the week. Now I just have to make enough for leftovers for lunch the following day.

What about the gym?  What about it? I haven't been in too long. Some of it has to do with the fact that I am bored with my workout. So very, very bored. I have a hard time with my feet (in physical therapy again). Still tied to the bike. The weight training stuff is difficult too because I keep hurting my arm. I really need to have a personal trainer, but the trainer at my gym is the one who pushed me to get hurt in the fist place. I just need to buck up and find another trainer.

Alright, enough rambling from me for one day. I'm off to prep tonight's dinner and am going to call one of the newer gyms in the area for info on their rates and personal trainers.