Fit for a princess

Day two of extreme heat! I can't take the heat! I turn into such a bear and make myself and everyone else around me miserable.  Hubs says I should do something about that. Not so sure I can change my genetic makeup, but I can move to Alaska for the summer!  :-)  See ya in September!

Well, now that the heat has really set in, so has some deep rooted emotions. I think today may have been my new rock bottom. Today was rough, I fought a lot of emotional demons and fought tears all while my heart was breaking. Some good came out of the day, so it's not all that bad...

So I put on my bucket list for the summer that I wanted to participate more in BBQ's. Well, my neighbor and good friend offered to have all the kids over right off the bus today for an end-of-year celebration. Great!  It's a win-win for everyone.  We get to have Mommy time and the kids get to blow off some energy and we'll get to use the pool to cool off. Can't get much better than that. The girls (my group of friends) asked me if I would go swimming today (I didn't go in at all last summer or the summer before). I said I would as long as it was just us...

I decided last night that I needed some pool attire: a coverup of some sort. So this morning I got the big kid on the bus and then came home to do a few chores before the little guy and I took off to find me a cover up. Long story short I ended up buying a "sun dress" and a skirt with top outfit to try. I did try on a cover up and hated it but the dress looked surprisingly better. I spent way more money than I would have liked, but I was feeling pretty good about my selections.

We returned home with enough time for us to change into swim stuff and to pack the car. I was happy and OK with pool-going. Then I opened up my email to see a message about more people being invited. One of them I hardly know and the other one is this tiny little bit of a thing. She's really pretty and I feel like a whale in comparison. My spirits where crushed. Off with the swimming stuff and back into my regular clothes.

Now I realize I could have and should have sucked it up and stayed in my swim attire. But I hate the way I look and feel in a swimsuit. I always have. The summer brings up all these past feelings of feeling sorry for myself and the self-loathing and all of that. And you may think "well, if you've always thought these things and have always felt that way, then why not change?" That's a great question!  And when I find the answer, I will be sure to let you know!

Once all the kids were fed and the lunch stuff was over, some of the moms decided to hop in the pool. No big deal. I'll just clean up a bit and all will be right with the world. As hot as it was today, it didn't feel as bad as yesterday, so I didn't feel too bad about not going into the pool....until....

...until I realized I crushed my 3 1/2 year old's spirit. I really wish I took a picture of him looking through the pool gate, longing to be in the pool with the other kids. I didn't take the picture because it was breaking my heart and I knew it was an image that would be forever in my mind. I now wish I took the shot so I could look at it every time I start to waiver.

So, he's longingly looking through the fence. Not saying a word.
Then he comes over and asks if "Mrs. xxx could 'help' him"
"No buddy, she's helping xxx".
"Why you no help me?"
I didn't have an answer. I really didn't know what to say to my big blue eyed little guy who wanted nothing more than to go in the pool. How could I tell him that "mommy hates herself and feels so gross and doesn't want anyone to see her like this, that's why you can't go in the pool"...I should have sucked-it-up and gone to get my suit.

He walked over to the food table and asked for a cookie, so I gave him one and he walked back to the pool...this time to the gate. I watched him reach for the lock and try to move it. I watched him reach for the key. I watched him shake and rattle the gate ever-so-slightly to try to get in that pool area. (Mind you, my heart is breaking and I am watching all of this through tears).
Then I watched him turn around, head down with slumped shoulders,  walked over to the food table for another cookie. That's when it hit me!  Hit me hard! This is where my eating began!  He was doing the same thing I would have done at his age or even any age after...reaching for food to console the bad feeling. You see, my parents "did stuff with us" or more brought us to places for them to watch us do stuff. They were overweight too and felt all the disgust and dispair that I was feeling today. They just  sat by and watched us grow up.  Just. As. I. Was. Doing. Today.

So you see, I figured something out today. My heart broke but a big huge light came on and a fighter woke up again. I can't sit here and watch as life passes me by as I have been for the last 37 years! I have to suck-it-up and make a change. I have to find the fight that I had a year ago. The light is back on and the fighter is waking up!

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Fast forward a little bit...my little guy did get to go swimming today. I took him in our pool. He was happy as a clam learning how to swim. He was so proud and couldn't wait to tell Daddy that he "swam" to me today!

The fighter swam a bunch of laps while in the pool. I'm in a world of hurt right now, but it's so good!

And about that sundress...I popped it on after the swim. We were playing in the yard and little guy says to me "Mommy!  you look JUST like a princess!"
"Why thank you buddy!" I think that was the sweetest thing ever! He's never seen me in a dress...only Disney princesses wear dresses, I guess.

Summer lovin'

It's HOT outside!  And I mean H-O-T!

The temperature has been hanging out in the 70's for the last few weeks. We've even needed sweaters or a light "spring" jacket most mornings. Even yesterday was a little on the chilly side. Then someone turned the heat on. And I don't mean just turned it up...I mean UP! We are currently sitting at 96 degrees! 

I'm not a summer time gal. Don't get me wrong, I like being outside, I like nature but I HATE being hot. I get very cranky and just hate the heat!  And when it gets hot like this I think about how much I hate being obese. It's that much harder to cope in the heat. Everything sticks to me and it makes it that much more difficult to move around. I guess it helps to keep the eating in check but it's that much more difficult to get the exercise in. 

Speaking of exercise...I went for my first walk in nearly 6 months. I can't believe it's been that long since I last worked out!  I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself go that long but I've finally taken the first steps back into the exercise scene. 

Yeah, so hubs and I went for a walk last night and I realized how out-of-shape I am. We kept the walk to about a mile (a little over) and it took us almost 25 minutes to complete it. Part of the problem was my feet. They really slowed me down, but I pushed through the pain and told myself I can't use my foot pain as an excuse not to exercise anymore. That excuse has been with me for too long and has enabled me to gain nearly 30 pounds back! Not. Any. More. Having Plantar Faciitous is painful, but it's not going to do me any harm to continue to walk. It's not like having a knee or rotator cuff injury; sure, rest helps, but it's not going to make it all better. So I am releasing my biggest excuse. Ahhh...it's like a load has been taken off of my shoulder. 

And back to the heat. Not sure yet what I am going to do for exercise today. It's really too hot to go for a walk and my pool is just too cold just yet for my bones to get into (note, I am allergic to the cold AND to the sun so I need to be really careful on both fronts). The AC is cranking so I may just pull out the treadmill and give that a go or I'll pop in one of the Bob Harper DVDs. Either way, I will get moving!  Promise. 

Stay cool! 

Summer Bucket List

Summer is just about to begin around here.
I know most schools have already let out but we are still in. Thursday is the last day.
I'm in the midst of making a summer bucket list with the kids and thought I should make one for myself (which does include some of the items on "their" list because it's things I also want to do). Some of the items are things I'm working on already - lifestyle kind of items, while the rest are really just about what I want to do in the summer.

My 2012 Summer Bucket List

• Get back into the gym or at least exercising - This is a HUGE priority! 
• Meal plan; more importantly to meal plan while we're out doing fun stuff...pack snacks and lunches! 
• Lose 20 pounds - that may be a stretch for me because I lose so slowly, but I'm giving it a go just the same. 
• Go to BBQ's - my neighbors host a lot of BBQ's during the summer. I sometimes go, this year I plan on making it more of a habit to go an be apart of the social goings and not so much for the food. 
• Have a pig roast (OK, this is more for my husband - he really wants to have one, I would like to make it happen for him...I won't eat the pig though, not my idea of yumm)
• Spend some time in NH at the lake
• Spend some time in ME - go to the zoo and the beaches. 
• Go to the beach
• Bring the kids to the sprinkler park 
• do a load of laundry a day
• vacuum daily 
• make a chore chart for both boys. 
• make 3 things from Pinterest
• Finish my little guy's baby album
• try a new veggie once a week (have I ever mentioned I hate most veggies?)
• Go geocaching
• Go for a hike
• Go for a bike ride on the bike trail (this is more contingent on my eldest learning to ride - he's really afraid of riding)
• Hit the new outlet shops

Bring on the summah-time!


And I will add to this list as I think more about it. 


What are you up to this summer?

Last School Days and FMM

And so begins the last week of school. Our school system starts after Labor Day (I hope that never changes) and we had "Snowtober"; the major snow storm we had just before Halloween that took power out for nearly a week. The weather has been fairly cool, so it's not too bad that the kids are still in school. Today feels more like October but by Wednesday it'll feel more like mid-July. 

I'm looking forward to having my son home more during the week. My little guy will also be happy to have his big brother around.  He (the oldest) is enrolled in a number of summer camps (first one starts next Monday!). I don't want to hear "I'm bored" all summer-long. 

We're going to work on a summer "bucket list" this week. I'd like to set some plans and have a list to look at for those days when we just dont' know what to do with ourselves.  I'm going to work on a smaller one for just myself and my goals to post later this week. I've really got to get my head out of my you-know-what and get back into the healthier living. It all starts right now! 

This morning's breakfast was a small bowl of cheerios with a bit of milk. And I have a Luna bar lined up for a snack when we head out later to hit the grocery store. First, I have to plan the rest of the day and onto the next couple of days meals. 

Until then though, I'd like to play along with FMM: What's in your bag

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

What’s In Your Bag?

Snap a picture if you can, and tell us about what’s inside your bag today.

• Wallet
• eye drops 
• Dunkin' Donuts straw from the other day when my little guy insisted I take another one
• a kid's party invitation
• a parking stub
• hand creme
• train
• small photo album
• keys -and more keys
• my little guys wallet
• matchbox car
• baggie with coupons
• baggie with Dagedar (little ball-bearing toy things)...my son has an obsession with carrying his little toys in baggies when we go out. They always end up in my bag. 
• Beyblade rip cord (toy)
• Monsuno (toy)
• dollar bill
• 2 lipsticks
• hand wipes
• 2 pencils and a pen
• random receipts and coupons laying around
• comb

Not shown is my iphone (taking the picture with it) and my ipad which isn't always in there - just when we're going to certain places I may take it a long.   And now it's time to clean it all up. I needed to clean out my bag anyway - it's getting full of toys!  

What's in your bag? 

Been too long and a little FMM

Just where oh where have I been? 

In a word, hiding. 

Hiding from reality. 

Hiding form myself. 

Hiding from everything. 

I've started gaining weight. 

I've stopped going to the gym. 

I've started back on plan. 

I've stopped being on plan. 

I've started plan again. 

And off plan...

I'm just having a hard time getting myself back on the proverbial track. I did really well for two and a half weeks then lost it over the weekend. I'm desperately trying to get back on today and am hitting road blocks but I'm clawing, clawing hard. 

I haven't been feeling too well as of late. I'm constantly worrying the MGUS is getting worse. Had my last check up in April and was fine. So long as things are the same in July, I will move to a six month rotation of check-ups rather than the 3 months I am currently on. There is no reason to think the MGUS is turning into Multiple Myeloma, just going to the deep dark place as soon as I start to not feel so hot. I'm good about smacking myself back into reality though and knowing that I most likely feel like garbage because I am what I eat. 

The good news is though that I am on the downward trend. I've lost 4.2 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I've reset everything and am going with that 4.2 pounds as total lost. 

So. No more excuses. Just climbing back on that bus and am going to take over my health!  

And because I am still getting myself back in order, thought it would be fun to start joining in with FMM again....

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Bedroom Habits

1. Do you set an alarm clock? If so, for what time? Only if I have to catch a flight (and seeing as I am petrified of flying, that's not a frequent thing) or when we're headed off to the fair in October. That's it. I wake up when I wake up. Or when the kids make me get up. :D 

2. How many hours of sleep do you get on an average night?  I'd say about 7-8. I NEED my sleep! 

3. Do you bring your laptop to bed?  I don't have a laptop. But I do have an ipad and that comes with me about 85% of the time. The other 15% is the iPhone. 

4. How many pillows do you require to sleep? 2

5. Do you sleep with socks on? No way! Not unless I'm sick. I hate having stuff on my feet. 

6. How often do you change the sheets?  Ashamed to say...I think about it weekly but it's probably more like 2 weeks. 

7. Do you remember your dreams? sometimes

8. Which side of the bed do you sleep on? The right. My husband would say both...I guess I'm a bed hog. 

9. How often do you take naps? If I could, daily. But I can't, so I will try to grab one a few times a month. 

10. Do you sleep soundly?  When I don't have insomnia, yes. I go through time of insomnia that will last a few weeks at a time, and then I am fine again for a while. 

The first step

After that last depressing post, I made myself do a workout.
No more screwing around.
It's time to get myself up and moving again.
Sitting here feeling sorry for myself for gaining nearly half weight loss back isn't going to solve anything. In fact, it's just make matters worse.

So. How did the workout go? I'd love to say it went swimmingly. Love to say that it was easier than I thought it would be. But, I would be lying if I said that. Hubs was going to be late from work so once the kids were put down to bed, I popped in a video. Which one? None other than Bob Harper's Beginner's Weight Loss Transformation. 

What a workout!  My legs felt like jelly ten minutes into it!  I noticed rather quickly how much of my strength I have lost over these last months. I stuck it out though. I pushed through the jelly in the thighs. I made sure all my squats were in perfect form. I modified where I needed to and pushed through where I began to fade. I kept thinking "if he [Bob Harper] was here in my face, I would have to be pushing a lot harder than I am right now." Or, "You wanted to be on  The Biggest Loser, now do it!".

There were a few things I just couldn't do, jumping jacks for one. Jumping around like that just kills my feet. He does a few other more "advanced" moves starting from a pushup position...that's a little beyond me right now so I did what I could do. I know if I keep doing this workout and get into the gym, it won't be long before I can do every one of those moves.

Making that decision to push myself into a workout was the best decision I've made since February. My spirits are up. I feel proud for taking that first step. Now it's time to take the next one.

There is just one problem. I am severely addicted to food and sugar. I woke up in a foul mood today. I was shaking and needed a "fix"; bigtime. I popped a few chocolates in after having breakfast (was hoping breakfast would have helped...I did give it time, but I was still shaky and needed that "hit"). Once I had some sugar, I felt better. I've been grazing all day which seems to be helping to keep the hungy horrors at bay. I've also found myself eating a few times when I really wasn't hungry.

This really is a day-to-day, moment-to-moment sort of thing. I'm working on it. I'm much more in tune to what's going on this week than I have been in week's past. I'm honestly making changes. Small ones, but changes just the same.

The first order of business is to keep up with the working out. The next one will be to get off this sugar habit! And so begins that weaning process.

Self loathing

Let me preface this post; I know it's not productive to have self-hate and negative thoughts.

I know it. 

You know it. 

Doesn't mean it doesn't happen. 

Today is most certainly one of those days where I'm having a lot of it going on. 

Maybe it's best to get it out and see what happens...

Who am I kidding?  My weight is going in the wrong direction. And the excuses are piling up. 

I'm not eating right.

I hate grocery shopping with every fiber of my being.

I hate cooking even more.

I use that hatred to feed into the not-buying-good-food thing. 

It's just easier to prepare the ready made crap or order in which makes me feel just like it - crap. 

I can blame the not-going-to-the-gym thing on my feet all I want. The reality though, is that as much as my feet hurt, the rest of me hurts too. I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. In a way, I feel worse. Both physical as well as psychological. 

Taking the physical first: I'm up 18 pounds from my lowest weight last year. EIGHTEEN pounds!  What?  Really? I was floating under 10 but have bumped up to 18 rather quick. Amazing how fast it comes on. Anyway, I am in a constant state of bloat. I can hardly breathe. My pants are getting tight. At first I hardly noticed. Today was another story though. My pants were so tight I could barely move. My stomach hurts from being restricted in them all day. 

So, my pants are getting tight, and I'm up on the scale. I'm also noticing that it's getting harder and harder to do the physical things. I get winded climbing stairs which was an easy task not that long ago. Walking up the street to bring my son to the busstop isn't fun either. I hurt all over and it's just three houses down the street. Really? That short of a walk is doing me in? Really? Really. 

The psychological toll is even worse than the physical. 

The psychological toll feeds the physical. 

It's a never-ending cycle. If I don't jump off of quickly, I will end up being up another twenty pounds heavier and right back to where I started from. Scary, scary thought. 

Anyway, I can't stop beating myself up. Again, I know it's not productive, but I'm doing it anyway. I can't escape all these thoughts. It's something I've lived with for almost 37 years. It's a thought process that is so engrained in me, I really don't know how to make it stop. 

I've been heavy for as long as I can remember. I've talked before about how I was put on diets as a young girl. My pediatrician as well as my gym teacher would always comment on how I needed to lose weight and it was never put very kindly. 

I've never felt good about myself. Never. People in my family (well meaning) would always say "but you have such a pretty face"...that's the worst thing you can say to someone with a weight problem. Yes, your face might be pretty but the rest of you? Well, you need a lot of work....that's what I took from it. Right or wrong, it's how I felt. I will never, ever, say "but you have such a pretty face" to anyone!  

Moving forward to my teenage years...and even just before...I BEGGED my parents to let me go away to "fat camp" during the summer before entering high school. I so desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to have the boys like me. I wanted to be noticed and not because of my "thunder thighs". 

When I was in the eighth grade, I had my first big crush. I was so "in love" with this boy that I sat next to in science class. We got along really well. We always laughed and had a great time in class. Soon it started to become a little more than just a "classroom friendship", we began passing each other notes in the hallway and if there was time, we'd stop to chat for a moment. We were becoming friends and possibly a bit more. That was until his buddy told him that I was too fat to like. Man did that hurt! It hurt bad!  It affected our friendship too. It was the first time I really listened to my mother's advice; She told me that I needed to just let him think about what he did (said) and let him come to me. She was right. He eventually came to me to apologize for hurting me. Our friendship was never the same.

(As a side note, the boy who told him not to like me because of my "fatness" was fat himself. It's rather laughable in retrospect.)

It was that incident that led me to wanting to go to Weight Watchers summer camp. I was more determined than ever to get "skinny" and fit in for the start of high school. I lost 24 pounds and 3 dress sizes that summer. It wasn't enough. I still didn't fit in. I was still 60 pounds or so over weight. Not many could see how much work I put in during that summer. The good feelings I had from the summer soon passed and with it went my smaller waste line. By the end of high school, I was in a size 26/28 and pushing 260 pounds. I was a miserable mess. 

Every year during high school (and years since) I would tell myself "next summer I'm going to wear a tank top, I'm going to lose this weight and I'm going to finally enjoy the summertime!" Every. Single. Year. Last year included. The difference though is that last October I really believed that I would be closer to my goal.  Oh how wrong (again) I was/am. 

When I started losing weight last year, I reminded myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I lose weight at a snail's pace. Always have. Always will. I've kept it in the back of my mind that it's A-OK to lose 50-60 pounds in a year. It'll take me a while, but I will eventually get there. 

But, here I am. Eighteen pounds up from my almost-50 down. 

It's high-time I let that go. It's time to brush it all off. Forget about the past. Take a deep breath and move on. I need to remember why I started taking better care of myself last year. I need to remember what it felt like to feel good. I was feeling good about myself physically and mentally a first since that summer spent in Weight Watchers camp. I need to find that girl again. I know she won't be hard to find. She's not that far gone. Just need to pull her out of the rut and push her back in the right direction. 

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Update: When I finished writing this piece, I got up and popped in a workout video. I'm now sweating a feel so much better for getting some of this out and giving myself a "beating"