Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My Number

I don't like speaking about my number. None of my numbers, really. Talking about my age scares me. Always has. So sad, really. We all age - it's a part of life. I just don't like to talk about it. In fact, when I was 27 I would always say that I was 29. My husband wouldn't even correct me because he couldn't believe how obsessed I was with not wanting to turn 30. Now that I am 35, I still don't like talking about numbers. I'm "pushing 40" after all...ok, not really, but it scares me to think that my biological clock is ticking even though I am lucky enough to have two beautiful boys. What's wrong with me and my obsession with numbers?

Talking about weight? Oh, I cringe! Always have! I've read many weight loss blogs and have frequented weight loss communities and can't believe the courage that some people have with putting their number out there. OK, so I did post that horrible number on one board that I belong to...but I sweat every time! Even when I was applying for The Biggest Loser, Season 10, I didn't want to put my number out there. I have a very good friend who asked to see my submission video. Nope. Sorry...can't see my number. Her response was "everyone will know when you're on the show" - that may be true - but they would see the after number too! And that number I'd like so much more.

The truth of the matter though is that I am embarrassed and ashamed that I have gotten to this point. I was told it would happen if I didn't get my weight under control and I always thought "no, way, not gonna happen to me!" And here I am. Exactly where I don't wanna be. I have to buy the largest size clothes I can find. I have the "apron" belly that I always cringed at when I saw others this size.

So, for now, I am not putting my number out here. You probably know my number. That's OK. I just don't want to see it or deal with it until it's gone for good.

1 comment:

  1. Jenn, I know what you mean about the dreaded number. However, when I finally put my number out there to my very bestest friend, it took an emotional weight off my shoulders. Someone I knew, respected and trusted finally knew a deeply personal thing about me. She accepted it, cheered my gumption and has been one of my biggest cheerleaders since. So - maybe its not that you don't like putting your number out there, maybe its that you haven't found the right person to share it with!

    ~ Krista