Friday, September 3, 2010

The dark place

When I got dressed this morning, I put on a shirt that has always been fine to wear and guess what?  It's sticking to me! Now I am feeling depressed that my clothes really are getting too small and to top it all off my back still hurts.  I've never (knock on wood) had a back problem...guess the weight is getting the best of me. 

Being this heavy is really painful. It's painful on the mind as well as the body.  Doing simple tasks like cleaning up after the kids - hurts!  It hurts like hell. It's hard to breathe and my body just aches. Bending over?  Forget it.  My big belly gets in the way and I practically lose consciousness. How about getting on the floor?  Sure. I can sit on the floor with the kids, but I am not very mobile. And what about getting up after being on said floor?  That's like watching a circus! I am only 35 years old and it's like pulling a 90 year old off the floor. What if there was an emergency while I was playing on the floor with the kids?  What if I needed to get up quick to help them?  Not happening.  It's a scary thought not being able to get to the kids quickly if they needed me.

What about the mind? Well, I am always feeling like I'm being stared at.  There are times when I've said "hello" to people who were starting too much. That always makes them almost feel bad. I can see it in their eyes - it's like they are thinking "oh crap!  She caught me!"  I could also just be projecting. 

Not being able to do things with the kids - like taking them to amusement parks and not being able to ride anything with them.  "Sorry kids, Mommy is too big" Sure, I enjoy watching the happiness on their little cherub faces when they are on a ride - but knowing how much fun we all could be having together, really hurts! 

The mental preparation in going out to dinner is exhausting.  What if they put me in a booth?  Yes, I am sad to report that I am at the point where I can't fit in most booths now. I never thought in a million years that things would get this out of control. Alas, I am here. Not happy about it. It's not like it's an accomplishment. I often wonder how on Earth I did end up here, in the horrible place of being alone (even though I know I'm not - still feels pretty lonely here). 

So, if it really feels this bad, why do I choose to stay here? That is the question of the century. I guess a lot of it is that I don't know anything else. And the other big piece is that I am afraid.  Afraid off success. Afraid of failure. The biggest struggle for me is that with every "diet" and/or lifestyle change I've ever made - the weight hardly came off.  Leaving me feeling worse than when I started (mentally worse, physically I always feel better.)

There is so much more I could talk about being here, in this dark place.  But I am going to hold it for now.  I'm trying to reel myself in and get into a lighter spot where it's easier to see. I've made myself do a lot of things today that I really don't have the energy to do. It's a step in the right direction.  I've made some poor food choices today but I've been careful about the portion sizes.  Another step. Now, I am going to have myself a big glass of water and work on the household chores that have been awaiting. When I come back, I promise to be in better spirits.

ETA: I am chuckling right now because I hit "post" and then popped over to check in on Facebook. What was the first post on my screen? A big one from Bob:
Bob Harper I believe in YOU! Remember, living an active healthy life starts one step at a time :)

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