My Number

I don't like speaking about my number. None of my numbers, really. Talking about my age scares me. Always has. So sad, really. We all age - it's a part of life. I just don't like to talk about it. In fact, when I was 27 I would always say that I was 29. My husband wouldn't even correct me because he couldn't believe how obsessed I was with not wanting to turn 30. Now that I am 35, I still don't like talking about numbers. I'm "pushing 40" after all...ok, not really, but it scares me to think that my biological clock is ticking even though I am lucky enough to have two beautiful boys. What's wrong with me and my obsession with numbers?

Talking about weight? Oh, I cringe! Always have! I've read many weight loss blogs and have frequented weight loss communities and can't believe the courage that some people have with putting their number out there. OK, so I did post that horrible number on one board that I belong to...but I sweat every time! Even when I was applying for The Biggest Loser, Season 10, I didn't want to put my number out there. I have a very good friend who asked to see my submission video. Nope. Sorry...can't see my number. Her response was "everyone will know when you're on the show" - that may be true - but they would see the after number too! And that number I'd like so much more.

The truth of the matter though is that I am embarrassed and ashamed that I have gotten to this point. I was told it would happen if I didn't get my weight under control and I always thought "no, way, not gonna happen to me!" And here I am. Exactly where I don't wanna be. I have to buy the largest size clothes I can find. I have the "apron" belly that I always cringed at when I saw others this size.

So, for now, I am not putting my number out here. You probably know my number. That's OK. I just don't want to see it or deal with it until it's gone for good.

Saying Good-Bye and Moving On

MIA again! So sorry! It's been a rough road. Just had to say good-bye to my last living grandparent! Now I am am grieving two grandparents at once. Man! It's rough. I know though that both of them would want me to keep on keeping on. So, I am brushing myself off and am going to make a go at it. Starting now! It's a new day and a new path. Can't wait to see where it leads me.

Just a bit about my Grandfather though before I get started on me. Here is a copy of his Eulogy that was eloquently written by my mother...what a guy!

"Google his name and the story of a man who was a true hero will emerge. He was a WWII ranger, fought on D day, was one of the famed “Boys of Point Du Hoc” a phrase coined by President Reagan in a speech delivered in Normandy commemorating D-Day.

His bravery that day along with the rest of the men he served with will long be remembered. The rangers scaled the cliffs and took out the guns protecting the beaches so that the rest of our forces could land and advance inland. Ultimately ending the war. He was injured several times and witnessed many horrific events including the loss of his own brother but yet he fought on.

When the war ended he came home with a goal. Raise a family, have a garden and live out a peaceful life in Derry, leaving the memories of the war long behind him. For many years he did just that, his own children were not even aware of what he had done in the war. Then as years went by and he began getting calls from researchers and historians who wanted to hear the stories, the truth of his heroism slowly began to emerge.

In the last 20 years he has rec'd numerous awards and accolades. The most prestigious being the French medal of honor which he rec'd in a special ceremony attended by members of the NH congress, US senators and other dignitaries most notably a delegation from the French government. He was invited to France to receive this highest honor but he was not well enough to travel so they delivered it to him. Feb 4, 2010 was declared to be Walter Borowski day in the state of NH. His children, and grandchildren and all of his family and friends were so proud that day but even then, always a humble man he did not want to be called a hero.

All of the heroism and accolades aside. Who was this man? He was “dad” to his children Tom, John and Sue. He was Jaju to his grandchildren Jen and Johnny and he was great jaju to his great grandchildren Curtis, Logan and Tessa.

As anyone who knew him will attest to one of his favorite expressions was “I tell it like it is” and indeed he did. Never one to mince words he always spoke his mind. Words we should all live by.

From the days of his Ranger training until the end of his life he stood tall, proud and strong. Whenever I visited he would say “I'll feel better tomorrow, as soon as I get my strength back. He was never willing to give up. These are the things that defined him and made him who he was. This is his legacy that he leaves to his family.

I am very proud to be a Borowski and my son John, his grandson is proud to carry the name into the next generation.

As we say goodbye to you today Walter we will think of you in heaven reunited with your beloved Helen. Every time I hear the early morning birds singing I will be reminded of how you loved to feed them. Every time I see a hummingbird I will remember how they came to rest on your flowers and whenever I smell wild roses I will think of you and the ones that bloomed in the front of your house. You will always be in our memory and we know you are building that beautiful garden that you so loved for all eternity.

You are home and at peace.

God bless"

That brings me to tears every time I read it! There wasn't a dry-eye in the place either!

Putting all that behind me now and am on my way to moving on!

Good news! I won a copy of Jillian Michaels "Master Your Metabolism Cookbook" (the link to her website isn't working as of the writing of this blog) from WellBella magazine! Thanks Guys! I got it in the mail the other day and was very excited to start reading! There were a lot of "ah-ha!" moments. She's very scientific in her writing though. A little too much so for my ADD brain :). I'm going to give her advice a shot though.

This morning I made some Quiona Crunch from the cookbook. Not too bad! I can't wait to try it in my yogurt - will let you know what I think. I also made some steel-cut oats for the kids and I to try. I didn't have her ingredients on hand so I made due with the package suggestions. I was pleasantly surprised! The texture is different, but the taste isn't so bad. Just added a little brown sugar and a splash of maple syrup and we were good to go. Even my 6 year old liked it! That says a lot because he doesn't like anything!!!

And an update on the Biggest Loser. I was going to try out again but have decided that I really can't handle rejection with all that's been going on in my life as of late. So for now, I will need all the support I can get from you!

It's the small things

Sorry I have been MIA. I went away for the weekend...a much needed girls trip to Maine for some scrapping time. Didn't get a whole lot of scrapbooking done - but I did have a great time! Sometimes it's all we need. Getting away for a few days is great for recharging those batteries.

Tonight I went to have my haircut....a much needed one! While driving home I was thinking about how soft my hair is and how lively it looks after getting a little trim. It's not only a little pick-me-up for my hair, but it's also one for me. I notice that I have a little bounce in my step after being freshly coiffed. It's also the same reason I love having my teeth cleaned. My teeth may not be that pearly white that we all dream of, but right after a cleaning they feel it! Just makes me wanna smile and smile some more.

All of this lead me to think about how important it is to do things for ourselves. We've all heard it before...but if you really think about how you feel after you leave the salon, you can't help but smile. And to dig a little deeper and think about what you can do on a daily basis to give yourself a little pick-me-up...the options are endless. Put on a little lipstick, some earings, a necklace...guys put on a nicer shirt than you would normally wear...so amazing what it will do to your mood! So why don't we do it more often? Because our insides are broken. Maybe if we work on tiding up the outside more often, the inside will start to mend? I think it's worth a shot!

As far as my weigh in this week? I was exactly the same. Not complaining about it this week though seeing as I did go away all weekend!

Weigh in

What a big fat disappointment! Didn't lose even an ounce! This is what happens with me. I will work my arse off and won't see results on the scale. Sure, I feel a little stronger and I feel an ounce more confident when I get off that dreaded treadmill...but when it comes to scale time and I see the same damned number ARGH!

It's really the story of my life! The summer before heading into high school I went to summer camp for seven weeks...not just any summer camp! We're talking Weight Watchers camp. I BEGGED my parents to let me go. What kid wants to go to "fat" camp! ME!! I couldn't wait and really begged them to send me for the whole summer. And they did. Don't get me wrong, the experience was probably one of the best I've ever had. I met a lot of new friends and have tons of memories that will last a lifetime. Weight wise though? I didn't lose all that much. I should have. There wasn't any reason no to have. We did an aerobics class, swimming, sports, running, walking...you name it, we were moving all the time....well all but the scale!

I've been on Weight Watchers a million times since then. Also have done Jenny Craig, LA Weight Loss, Atkins, calorie counting...you name it. It all ends up being the same old story. I get mad because I don't see results and then ultimately give up. Not this time though! I am giving it my all! I intend on applying for BL season 11 and am documenting everything that goes in my mouth along with every calorie I burn. Someone has to figure out why I can't get this stupid scale to budge!

When is it ever a good time?

To start anything new? Seriously, we all have things going on in our lives, between the birthday parties, graduations, weekend get-aways, anniversaries, weddings, etc., etc., etc,....will you ever have a "perfect" time to start a diet? There is always something happening in our lives that will make it difficult to be on plan 100% of the time. It doesn't mean though that we should be putting our lives on hold.

Now I need to keep on remembering that advice. My last post was about my Gram's passing almost two months ago. Guess what? I am about to go through it again. My grandfather on the other side is now on hospice and is living his last days. I was in a "good place" with my Gram's passing. She had said her goodbyes and we had a great chat before she passed - no unfinished business - but I still miss her like hell. I miss her more and more every day, but I am getting through it. Now it really sucks that I'm going to have to go through it again with my grandfather! Talk about stress and depression and wanting to eat, eat, eat. But I won't give into all that. This isn't another excuse to eat and add more pounds on.

I am bound and determined to stay strong and find new outlets without using food to hide behind. Just taking it all one day at a time.

Tomorrow is weigh in day.

Scrapbook Sunday

....even though it's Monday. :) I planned on blogging yesterday but just wasn't feeling up to it and had company over. This is a scrap page I'm working on for my youngest son's first year album. The picture is of my grandmother - his great grandmother (aka GG), holding him for the first time. Unfortunately, my son won't remember his GG as she just passed away in April. I find it amazing though that she had the chance to meet SIX great-grandchildren! Seriously, how awesome is that?!?!

Going through my Grandmother's death wasn't easy. When is death ever easy? But from a weight loss perspective it really puts a damper on things. What better reason to eat than when you are watching someone you are so close to and love so deeply die? I so wish I was one of those people who lost their appetite during stressful situations! That just isn't the case...I gained TEN pounds in the month leading up to my Gram's passing.

Just before she passed, I wanted to ask her for her skinny "genes"...MAN! I would love to have those! She ate like a bird. She would be turned off and actually would be disgusted if you served her too much food or gave her a big plate! Two of my favorite stories of her regarding food are the time that I walked into her house and she asked me if I had eaten lunch - I had - she told me that she was famished (she did use the word famished!) and proceeded to make herself HALF of a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. Ummm....yeah! That wouldn't even be an appetizer to most people. My second favorite story is when we took her to Foxwoods and ate at the buffet. If you knew my Gram you know that she had a love for sweets! She would have chocolate cake for dinner! Anyway, when she went up to the dessert section, she refused to get anything because there was too much to chose from and that just churned your stomach. Here I was thinking "I'll have one of each" and I wonder why she was thin and I am not?

Finding Inspiration

WOW! It's been just about two weeks since I was all gung ho about starting a new blog and haven't said a word since. That is all about to change!

Two weeks ago I dragged my husband to the taping of Season 10, episode 1 of The Biggest Loser. Poor guy, he's not competitive and wants nothing to do with being anywhere near Jillian Michaels or anything related to The Biggest Loser and here I am dragging him to the taping and a workout challenge with Jillian. He did a great job and I thank him for supporting me all the way!

That day was simply amazing! It really felt like we were a part of something - something big. Listening to Mark Kruger from Season 5 talk about running the Boston Marathon and how "today" was our first step to greatness, and then working out with Jillian! I felt so inspired and really believe that I CAN do this! I was all set and ready to start my plan from that day forward until I started having a reaction to a thyroid medication that I protested taking in the first place. I began eating like I've never eaten before - binge after binge - but it wasn't like a binge. It felt more like having low blood sugar and scouring the cabinets for anything to take that horrid feeling away. After gaining another 6 pounds and persistent phone calls to the doctor, I took myself off the medication. It took a few days for the side effects to go away completely, but once they did I felt GREAT!

Last Tuesday night I decided to join The Biggest Loser Club . I need structure if I am going to stick to this! I took about an hour or so to go through the meal planning process, then I ordered my groceries from the shopping list they provide. I've been following the plan every day since. I also have been getting on the treadmill and doing the strength training exercises that they suggest. I can't wait til Tuesday to see how I am doing! I am already feeling like a million bucks -well, like a hundred thousand anyway. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly I can feel better with exercise and eating right. Why don't I stick with it? That's a topic for another day.