Tired

Obesity sucks.

I feel like there is no digging out.  I've tried and tried and tried and tried for many, many years to lose weight.  I have been my current size since I graduated high school (just a few short moons ago ).  Sure, I dropped some weight before I was married but only put that right back on. Then I had my first baby and put on about 50 pounds. I eventually lost that and a little more before getting pregnant with my second child. I didn't gain all that much the second time around, which was wonderful.  I've gained and lost. Lost and gained more times than I can count. 

Most of the time I try to accept the fact that I am who I am and just go on with life. After all,  a large portion of my family are overweight.  My parents are, my maternal grand-father was slightly overweight while my grandmother was a tiny little thing (why couldn't I have gotten her genes?).  My paternal grandparents weren't really overweight, well, my grandmother was chunkier in her elder years but when she was young, she was in the military and quite beautiful (not that being chunky isn't beautiful). There are many a cousins on both sides who are chunky to obese. Given all that in my gene pool, the cards are just stacked against me.

I'm getting tired of everything.

Tired of clothes not fitting, not being able to get up from off the floor easily, being uncomfortable in my skin because my skin is sticking to my skin.  Tired of thinking I can do this and be thinner and fitter by next summer (been saying that one for the last 29 summers). Tired of not seeing my cheekbones or my wrist bones.  Tired of hearing kids comment on how fat I am and thinking about the comments people mumble under their breath about my size. I'm tired of hoping and failing. Tired of broken promises to myself.

The thing I am most tired of is not being 150% happy with my life.   Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of blessings and things (people) to be happy and grateful for.  And I am grateful. I truly am. I think I've done all the things I can do in my life to be as happy as I can be given my weight.  It's time to shake things up and get to see that thin girl who's inside kicking and screaming to get out. The trouble is, I don't know how to get her out of there. I've tried so many keys and have failed. What's it going to take to break the code?  I guess time will tell.

I've turned to God for some guidance.  My relationship with the great Heavenly Father isn't all that great. I'm not a huge church goer for a lot of my own personal feelings and beliefs.  I do believe in God and in a higher power.  I believe in signs. So, I've asked for some guidance and have asked to be shown the way to a healthier me.  With His guidance, I've been researching a number of things. I've done more reading and thinking in the last few weeks about weight loss than I have about any other subject in my life.  I will find the key to my success; I know I will.

Until then, I will keep reading and will keep plugging away.  Every little ounce is one ounce closer to another goal. First goal is just 7.2 pounds (as of last week) away (taking things in 10 pounds increments).

Too much negativity

Just shaking my head today.

The negativity in this world is getting out of control.

Everywhere you turn, someone has something nasty to say. It's not enough just to have just an opinion about something. No!  People seem to have to take it to the next level by throwing insults and or just being over-the-top nasty.
Is there a need?
What purpose does that serve?
As far as I'm concerned, there is no need for it!  State your opinion; move on.  No need to be nasty.

It's funny how things seem to happen in clusters like that.  I belong to a few Facebook groups and the other day the admin of one of them posted this rant about all the negativity. Reading through the hundreds of comments, I noticed people saying that they have seen lots of drama during that particular day on other pages they belonged to.  Reading further pages and blogs I also noticed the negativity. Made me sad.

Then today I pop over to see where Josh from http://700poundsisasbadasitsounds.blogspot.com/ is at. He hasn't posted in a while and it's not like him. Reading through the comments made me a little angry. I'm not sure why people feel like he owes them anything.  He's just a guy on a journey.  He's put himself out there for whatever reason and now he's not there.  I hope and pray that he is OK. I hope that he has computer troubles or is just not in the head space he needs to be in to come check in. Goodness knows that I've been there.  I think many of us have been. He (nor does anyone else) doesn't owe anyone anything.  I hope the positive comments out shine the negative ones when he does return.

Josh, wherever you are, I hope you are OK.

Too old for this

What is up with the summer (summah -as we'd say it in these parts) colds that have been going around?  My kids had one last month, followed by my husband catching on right at the end of our vacation, and finally it's my turn.  I've been fighting it for a few days but today it really caught up to me.  My ear was in a world of hurt!  I thought I paid the ear gods my dues when I was a child. Apparently I still owed.

Other than that, today was another success.  I managed to stay on my low carb day and ate every three hours as per the instructions.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow which is a high carb day. Yeah!

Wins for today:
Stayed on plan
Scrapbooked!  Finished a pag. Thought for sure I would be able to do two tonight but I'll take the one.

Could do better:
Water -one of these days I'll get that in the win column.
Soda- way too much.
Workouts - or the lack there of.  We should have gone for a bike ride tonight but with my ear pain, I just wasn't up to it.

Tomorrow is a busy morning. We have errands and such to do and hopefully we'll be able to fit in something fun before it gets too hot. Until then, it's time to rest this ear up.

Better than yesterday

A much better day today. Don't get me wrong, yesterday wasn't bad...today was just better. I wanted to crack around 3:00. I wasn't sure I was going to make it any further without binging but I pushed through it and am on the other end feeling good about myself.

My next task is to get to the book store to purchase a hard copy of Chris Powell's book.  I've read it (a few times) on my kindle but there is something about having a hard copy on hand to thumb through when I have questions.  When I'm not feeling better (I have a summer cold), I will talk more about this plan.  I know some may be concerned about the 'giving up' of carbs.  That's not what carb cycling is about. Not in the least.  Yes, there are days when you have less carbs than others, but in no way can I never have a piece of pizza should I want one.  Honestly, I don't think this is a full life-time solution. That is OK. I have a few reasons for giving this a try which I will discuss within the next few weeks.

Wins for today:
Pushed through the 3:00 desire to go on the "oh, screw it diet"
Drank even more water than yesterday. Still not at where I want to be, but getting there. My bladder is yelling at me.

Things that could go better:
Still need better planning for the mid-afternoon blahs.
Soda needs to go away. I had 3 today which is more than yesterday but still less than the day before that.  The soda helped get me through the thought to binge so I suppose it's a win.  Sigh.

Until tomorrow....

What week is it?

ACK!  I was doing so much better when I was logging daily. We went on vacation, had no internet connection (well, I had some on my phone, just couldn't get on via the lappy) - I know, the HORROR! :)  Then last week was all crazy with hubby's b-day and Independence Day....excuses, excuses, excuses...

So, here we are. A new week and yet another new plan.  I've been reading a lot about carb cycling and thought I would give it a shot.  I weighed in yesterday and was down a bit but this morning I woke up feeling extra bloated...was up over where I started from a few weeks ago.  Gotta love summer.

I would love to say that my day went perfectly well with day one of Carb Cycling. I made it half way through the day before veering off coarse.  I'm still well within calories, so that is OK.  I just need to have a better plan in place. Tomorrow will go better.

Today's successes:  Drank more water than I have in the last week.  Had less soda than usual (really am trying to give it up!)

Tomorrow's goals: 2 soda limit.  9 glasses of water. Morning workout. 1 scrapbook page completed.

Fun in the sun

Today was a picture perfect day.  Wasn't too hot yet was hot enough for a swim should you care to do so. There was a perfect summer breeze and not a cloud in the sky.  Like I said, picture perfect.  I was outside for a few hours this afternoon helping at my son's school - it was his field day.  The kids seemed to have a blast and I am certainly worn out.  Even though it wasn't over-the-top hot, it was still warm enough to wear me out.  I'm afraid I am getting old - I just can't take the heat any more.

I had a flashback to elementary school at one point today.  My kids go to school in the same school I went to as a kid (my son even had my first grade teacher when he was in first grade!).  Anyway, I was walking the field and rounded the corner at the end of the tennis courts when this moment flashed before me.  I recalled the times we would have to run the mile - 4 times around the perimeter of the tennis courts. The thought of running that stupid thing made me chuckle a bit.  I hated running back then!  I can still feel my lungs burning and my legs feeling like they were going to fall off. Maybe one of these days I should challenge myself to a little run around there again.  Will have to keep that in mind for when I'm back in a little better shape.

The school year is finally wrapping up. Only 3 more days and they will be done!  Better get planning the fun around the summer camps.  Honestly, I can't wait to not have a routine for a little bit. Truth be told, I'm already in summer mode and happy to be here.

Eating was great today.  I certainly made up for the few extra calories from yesterday.  When I'm hot, I just don't want to eat. Not always a bad thing.  I will force myself so I don't get sick, but it's easier to make healthier choices when you're hot.  One of the reasons I love summer.

Begin Week 2

Had a difficult (stressful) night last night.  There is much drama going on with my son at school. I don't want to get into specifics but will just say that there have been many arguments between him and one of his "friends". They have been on a rocky road for months and it really came to a head last night.  I'm done with his school. I'm done with his grade level. I'm done. Done. Done. It's been a long year and we just keep reminding ourselves that they just have 5 more days left of school.

Deep breaths.

I found myself looking for food to comfort the stress.  A few times I stopped myself dead in my tracks.  Others I didn't.  The good news though is that I got in a great workout tonight and only ended up slightly over on my calories for the day.  If I'm really careful, I should be able to make it up in the days to come. Getting back into the positive talk and not turning to food for solace is a difficult. However I did it once, I can certainly do it again! 

My focus for the coming week is going to be with drinking my water and getting in a few workouts. I have an exciting workout to tell you about but will do that in an upcoming post. :) 

Going on vacation next week which will be filled with eating out so must do really well this week so next week won't hurt too much.  The good thing about the summer is it's too hot to eat too much.  So long as I can keep my head from getting me into trouble, I'll be all set to go. 

I have to keep the eye on the prize! 

"Only" 26.2 left to go to be where I was last May. 

162 days to Disney.