The first step

After that last depressing post, I made myself do a workout.
No more screwing around.
It's time to get myself up and moving again.
Sitting here feeling sorry for myself for gaining nearly half weight loss back isn't going to solve anything. In fact, it's just make matters worse.

So. How did the workout go? I'd love to say it went swimmingly. Love to say that it was easier than I thought it would be. But, I would be lying if I said that. Hubs was going to be late from work so once the kids were put down to bed, I popped in a video. Which one? None other than Bob Harper's Beginner's Weight Loss Transformation. 

What a workout!  My legs felt like jelly ten minutes into it!  I noticed rather quickly how much of my strength I have lost over these last months. I stuck it out though. I pushed through the jelly in the thighs. I made sure all my squats were in perfect form. I modified where I needed to and pushed through where I began to fade. I kept thinking "if he [Bob Harper] was here in my face, I would have to be pushing a lot harder than I am right now." Or, "You wanted to be on  The Biggest Loser, now do it!".

There were a few things I just couldn't do, jumping jacks for one. Jumping around like that just kills my feet. He does a few other more "advanced" moves starting from a pushup position...that's a little beyond me right now so I did what I could do. I know if I keep doing this workout and get into the gym, it won't be long before I can do every one of those moves.

Making that decision to push myself into a workout was the best decision I've made since February. My spirits are up. I feel proud for taking that first step. Now it's time to take the next one.

There is just one problem. I am severely addicted to food and sugar. I woke up in a foul mood today. I was shaking and needed a "fix"; bigtime. I popped a few chocolates in after having breakfast (was hoping breakfast would have helped...I did give it time, but I was still shaky and needed that "hit"). Once I had some sugar, I felt better. I've been grazing all day which seems to be helping to keep the hungy horrors at bay. I've also found myself eating a few times when I really wasn't hungry.

This really is a day-to-day, moment-to-moment sort of thing. I'm working on it. I'm much more in tune to what's going on this week than I have been in week's past. I'm honestly making changes. Small ones, but changes just the same.

The first order of business is to keep up with the working out. The next one will be to get off this sugar habit! And so begins that weaning process.

Self loathing

Let me preface this post; I know it's not productive to have self-hate and negative thoughts.

I know it. 

You know it. 

Doesn't mean it doesn't happen. 

Today is most certainly one of those days where I'm having a lot of it going on. 

Maybe it's best to get it out and see what happens...

Who am I kidding?  My weight is going in the wrong direction. And the excuses are piling up. 

I'm not eating right.

I hate grocery shopping with every fiber of my being.

I hate cooking even more.

I use that hatred to feed into the not-buying-good-food thing. 

It's just easier to prepare the ready made crap or order in which makes me feel just like it - crap. 

I can blame the not-going-to-the-gym thing on my feet all I want. The reality though, is that as much as my feet hurt, the rest of me hurts too. I'm starting to feel like I did a year ago. In a way, I feel worse. Both physical as well as psychological. 

Taking the physical first: I'm up 18 pounds from my lowest weight last year. EIGHTEEN pounds!  What?  Really? I was floating under 10 but have bumped up to 18 rather quick. Amazing how fast it comes on. Anyway, I am in a constant state of bloat. I can hardly breathe. My pants are getting tight. At first I hardly noticed. Today was another story though. My pants were so tight I could barely move. My stomach hurts from being restricted in them all day. 

So, my pants are getting tight, and I'm up on the scale. I'm also noticing that it's getting harder and harder to do the physical things. I get winded climbing stairs which was an easy task not that long ago. Walking up the street to bring my son to the busstop isn't fun either. I hurt all over and it's just three houses down the street. Really? That short of a walk is doing me in? Really? Really. 

The psychological toll is even worse than the physical. 

The psychological toll feeds the physical. 

It's a never-ending cycle. If I don't jump off of quickly, I will end up being up another twenty pounds heavier and right back to where I started from. Scary, scary thought. 

Anyway, I can't stop beating myself up. Again, I know it's not productive, but I'm doing it anyway. I can't escape all these thoughts. It's something I've lived with for almost 37 years. It's a thought process that is so engrained in me, I really don't know how to make it stop. 

I've been heavy for as long as I can remember. I've talked before about how I was put on diets as a young girl. My pediatrician as well as my gym teacher would always comment on how I needed to lose weight and it was never put very kindly. 

I've never felt good about myself. Never. People in my family (well meaning) would always say "but you have such a pretty face"...that's the worst thing you can say to someone with a weight problem. Yes, your face might be pretty but the rest of you? Well, you need a lot of work....that's what I took from it. Right or wrong, it's how I felt. I will never, ever, say "but you have such a pretty face" to anyone!  

Moving forward to my teenage years...and even just before...I BEGGED my parents to let me go away to "fat camp" during the summer before entering high school. I so desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to have the boys like me. I wanted to be noticed and not because of my "thunder thighs". 

When I was in the eighth grade, I had my first big crush. I was so "in love" with this boy that I sat next to in science class. We got along really well. We always laughed and had a great time in class. Soon it started to become a little more than just a "classroom friendship", we began passing each other notes in the hallway and if there was time, we'd stop to chat for a moment. We were becoming friends and possibly a bit more. That was until his buddy told him that I was too fat to like. Man did that hurt! It hurt bad!  It affected our friendship too. It was the first time I really listened to my mother's advice; She told me that I needed to just let him think about what he did (said) and let him come to me. She was right. He eventually came to me to apologize for hurting me. Our friendship was never the same.

(As a side note, the boy who told him not to like me because of my "fatness" was fat himself. It's rather laughable in retrospect.)

It was that incident that led me to wanting to go to Weight Watchers summer camp. I was more determined than ever to get "skinny" and fit in for the start of high school. I lost 24 pounds and 3 dress sizes that summer. It wasn't enough. I still didn't fit in. I was still 60 pounds or so over weight. Not many could see how much work I put in during that summer. The good feelings I had from the summer soon passed and with it went my smaller waste line. By the end of high school, I was in a size 26/28 and pushing 260 pounds. I was a miserable mess. 

Every year during high school (and years since) I would tell myself "next summer I'm going to wear a tank top, I'm going to lose this weight and I'm going to finally enjoy the summertime!" Every. Single. Year. Last year included. The difference though is that last October I really believed that I would be closer to my goal.  Oh how wrong (again) I was/am. 

When I started losing weight last year, I reminded myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I lose weight at a snail's pace. Always have. Always will. I've kept it in the back of my mind that it's A-OK to lose 50-60 pounds in a year. It'll take me a while, but I will eventually get there. 

But, here I am. Eighteen pounds up from my almost-50 down. 

It's high-time I let that go. It's time to brush it all off. Forget about the past. Take a deep breath and move on. I need to remember why I started taking better care of myself last year. I need to remember what it felt like to feel good. I was feeling good about myself physically and mentally a first since that summer spent in Weight Watchers camp. I need to find that girl again. I know she won't be hard to find. She's not that far gone. Just need to pull her out of the rut and push her back in the right direction. 

--------

Update: When I finished writing this piece, I got up and popped in a workout video. I'm now sweating a feel so much better for getting some of this out and giving myself a "beating"

What nice weather

What a week!
The sun was shining, the temp was rising.
Too beautiful to be inside, that's for sure!
Thursday was too hot. I actually broke out a fan to cool the place down a bit. The kids were even complaining it was too hot. You know it's hot when the kids are complaining about it!

Today?  Well, we're back to regular old March temps. It was supposed to be in the mid-sixties, but I would say it's in the fifties. I am freezing and getting cranky without the sun!

How did my week go food/exercise wise?  Well, it started off great. Then it went down hill. I just can't seem to get my stuff together. I'm stuck in a rut; thinking wise. My thoughts are deep and dark right now. I'm really starting to feel bad about myself. I feel like a failure in so many ways...I need to sit down and get it all out to see if I can make sense of it. Then, I need to let it go and get back on the horse.

My jeans are tight today. Very tight. I guess it's "good" in the sense it's a constant reminder that I'm really headed back to the place I started a year ago. I will NOT get back to that place. It took me way too long to get the little weight I did get off, off. Not starting over. Just starting from here.

I really am not having and coherent thoughts today. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm spending the rest of the day reflecting and planning. I'm not going to let my thoughts eat at me too much. I know it's not going to solve anything.

Friend Makin' Mondays:Online Dating

Happy Monday!  Or something like that. The only thing that is really good about this Monday is that it is beautiful outside!  I plan on spending a great deal of the day playing outside with my little guy. Just have to hope my feet will keep up. I woke up a bit sore this morning but am hopeful some stretches will get me through. 

I may have lied a bit. There are two good things about this Monday.  I am down 4.1 pounds this week. I know it's water weight, but I will take it none-the-less. 

And now onto some fun:

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Online Dating

1. Have you ever tried online dating? Yes. 
2. If you’ve done it, what did you like about it? What did you dislike?  Well, seeing as it's how I met my husband, I should be answering the questions from that perspective. :D  Even before meeting my husband, I had tried the online dating scene. I liked being myself without having to worry about my looks. I never actually met anyone in real life though until I met my now husband. When I met my husband, I was actually in another relationship that was on going sour - fast. I wanted to find someone to talk to more than to find love. But I did find love and am happy I signed on to whatever site it was that I used. 
3. If you haven’t done it, would you? If you have done it, would you do it again? Why or why not?  My husband hopes I wouldn't. ;-)
4. What precautions would you take before going out with someone that you met online? Like everything else you do online - be careful of the kinds of information you share. 
5. Do you have a favorite dating site?  If so, what is it?     I don't know what sites are out there anymore. 
6. What questions would you ask before agreeing to a date?  I'd like to know where they were in their life. Would want to make sure we're in the same place - (example: if I was looking for something serious and he wasn't). 
7. How long would you correspond with someone online before meeting them?  I spoke with my husband for a few weeks before meeting in person. 
8. In your opinion, what are the pros to meeting someone online?  It's like an old-fashioned romance. You can truly be yourself. 
9. In your opinion, what are the cons of online dating? It's hard to know if someone is sincere in their words. 
10. Share a funny or embarrassing online dating experience with us if you have one.  I don't have one. I think I made out quite well. I hope you'll give it a whirl if you're on the dating scene. 

Now it’s your turn!  Don’t forget to post your answers then come back and link up in the comments!  Happy Monday friends!

The million dollar question

To medicate or not to medicate?

Well, the answer is to NOT medicate. Sadly, I am coming off of the Wellbutrin. I sent off an email to the doctor earlier in the week because my ears are ringing. I have partial hearing loss with tinnitis as it is so this added ringing just isn't fun. My poor kids, I'm constantly asking them to speak up. They are tired of having to repeat themselves (maybe they'll learn something from that - doubt it!). So, with the tinnitis and the other side effects, we're opting to get me off of the Wellbutrin. Watch out world!  ;-)

My doctor is reluctant to put me on anything else. She is so overly concerned with my gaining weight. I was on Fluoxetine for four years and didn't gain anything due to the medication. I'm not worried about it. I've been obese my whole entire adult life. Hell, I've been obese since I was an early teenager, I'm not concerned about adding pounds, I'm more concerned about getting along in life. I wish she'd get that! Anyway, once I am weaned off, I will meet with her about getting on to something else.

Until then, it's back to eating right for me!
I didn't do too bad this week. I have one more day to go before I weigh in on Monday. I've decided to just start the slate clean. My new day one was last Monday. I'm filing away the weight loss from last year and starting anew. I think it's the best thing to do as I've been up and down the same 10-15 pounds since December.

Today was the first day that I've really felt my weight gain. It's just a slight gain, but I could feel it in my jeans. My belly feels so incredibly full. I'm so bloated and could hardly button my pants. My husband and I did a lot of work around the house (spring cleaning sort of stuff), and I could hardly move. I felt like I did when I was nearly forty pounds heavier!  I haven't felt this bad in a very, very long time!  I'm *almost* feeling hopeless. *Almost* ready to say to hell with it and do the drastic thing and go for the consult for the surgery. But, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to stay the coarse and will make progress.

Hubs had his check-up last week and was given a month to get things in order before he's put on blood pressure meds. He hates meds as much as I do so he's ready to get going with me. That will be a huge help to me!  We've done the weight loss thing together in the past and have done really well. He always feels bad though because he loses so much faster than I do. He's a typical male. Lucky SOB! HAHA. I have to fight for every ounce...but as long as I have a sparring partner, I think I will be OK.

I have LoseIt.Com open in my browser. All ready for more logging. We did our meal planning this morning for the week ahead. All is ready to get into week two.

Shopping

I must be getting old!  I went clothes shopping yesterday. The weather is starting to warm up a bit and all my stuff from last year was donated in the fall because it was all too big. I'm happy to (still) be in a smaller size, just not happy about the prices!

I walked into one of my favorite (plus size) clothing stores yesterday just to be sticker shocked. I knew going in that they are a bit more expensive than I would like but the other retailer that I used to frequent has since closed their doors...most of them anyway...the next closest one to me is 20 minutes away. Anyway, in I go knowing that I will only be able to buy 2-3 tops. HA! I didn't purchase a thing. All the cotton shirts (nothing special about them) started at over $30!  I couldn't believe it!  Out I walked.

I did end up finding another store (the one that closed it's local doors). I was able to buy a week's worth of tops for the price of 3 at the other place.

Seriously, what is going on with all the rising costs. It's crazy!  I used to shake my head and roll my eyes when my (late) grandmother would complain about prices. And here I am doing the same thing. Then I think about it and realize how crazy I am. I'm OK with spending just over $2 for a cup of coffee at the drive thru but won't spend the money on stuff that I need. What is up with that?

-----
And to yesterday's business....just keeping me on track and honest....
Calories in 2130
Calories out -Physical Therapy bike only- 123

And a photo of my ugly feet while being iced and electric stim. Gotta say that as crazy as it sounds, this is one of my favorite things. I think it's one of the things that is really helping me. I'm considering buying my own machine when PT is over.

And just how are things with my feet anyway?  Well, I rested them a lot over the weekend. By Monday I was pain free. Like I mentioned yesterday, I did take a little walk on Monday which was OK. Then yesterday I did a lot of shopping (walking). I was a bit sore by the end of my trip and was happy to be in PT yesterday. This morning I'm a little sore but am functioning.

I asked my therapist what she thought of the cortisone shot. She said she hates shots but if I thought it would help to go ahead and do it, but based on my pain level the last few days I should probably hold off.

My appointment with the doctor is this afternoon. Very curious to see what she has to say about it. I just feel like if I could get to a pain-free (or as close to as possible), I'd be less depressed and more willing/able to get into the gym without worry about how I am going to feel when I am done.

One day at a time

Overall, yesterday wasn't too bad!

I found that I did really well for most of the day but struggled at night. It really was my own fault. I got busy and didn't have anything prepped. Goes to show the importance of prepping and planning!

I took my son out for a walk around our little block too. I was a bit nervous about that given the condition of my feet. They were a bit sore last night but are OK today. Maybe the physical therapy is starting to help. I'll be meeting with the physical therapist today, we'll see what she has to say.

My total calories (in) yesterday were 2117

Calories (out) during the walk 107

So, I was over my intake by about 100 calories. I'm OK with that.

Today is a new day and will be even better than yesterday!

I have some concerns about the Wellbutrin too. I have an email in to the doctor to discuss. I have tinnitus along with hearing loss...the Wellbutrin is making the tinnitus worse. I can hardly hear myself think!  My mouth is so dry, my voice is hoarse, I had a sore throat, been getting headaches....wondering how long all this is supposed to last?

Well, the fridge is now chockfull of fresh fruits and veggies. I'm ready to rock and roll. Bring on the day!