The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.

I went clothes shopping for myself last night. 

Not because my clothes are getting so big they are falling off. 

Not because I enjoy shopping for clothes. 

Not because I wanted something new. 

I had to. I needed an interview outfit. I tossed the nice clothes I had last summer when everything got to be 2 (or more) sizes to big for me. Big mistake. I should have held on to everything until I got a lot more weight off. Live and learn. 

I hate clothes shopping. When Fashion Bug by me (and now all of them) closed, I became even more discouraged about the thought of clothes shopping. Fashion Bug had fairly reasonable prices (although I noticed the prices were increasing to almost ridiculousness) and for the most part I could find things in my size. 

Lane Bryant is out of the question for me because they only sell up to a 28. I'm almost there, but not quite (but hang on to that thought) so the only other retailer around me that I can shop at is The Avenue.  The Avenue is supposed to carry up to size 32. According to their advertising anyway. I would beg to differ. Anytime I go there, I end up leaving in total and complete frustration and swear I will never be back. Why is that?  For starters the store is over stocked. There are too many racks and too much stuff on the racks. When my son was little, I couldn't even shop in there with an umbrella stroller because we'd get stuck between the racks. I feel bad for anyone who has to shop from a wheelchair!  On top of that, they keep the tags tucked into all the clothing, making it very difficult to find the size you are looking for. I always end up having to go through every single item only to find that      A. the item doesn't come in my size or        B. They are out of stock in my size. 

Last night I headed up to The Avenue in the hopes of finding a pair of dress pants. I walk into the store and a sales person is quick to greet me. I decided to just ask for help because I do, quite often, leave there angry. I explained to the girl that the store frustrates me because I can't find the sizing so would she please help me find something in a size 28/30. "I'm sorry ma'am, we have nothing in that size in pants"  WHAT?!?!  Nothing? Nada? Ziltch?  I fought the tears. She continued to say that they have been after the district manager to get more of "that" size in because it's always understocked. Crap. What am I to do now? I had an interview the next day and now I'm screwed. I walked out biting my lip with tears in my eyes. 

Here's where the self-loathing and the pity party started. I walked back to my car and cried; I mean really cried. For a minute. I gave myself the "you did this to yourself" kind of talk. Then I shook it off. That kind of feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to solve my problem. I had 2 choices; I could go try Lane Bryant in the mall which was in the next plaza OR drive (after calling first) over an hour to the next Avenue if they had anything in stock. I opted for option number one. I tried on two pairs of pants at Lane Bryant and they FIT!  I couldn't believe it.  Sure, it was a little tight, but I could make it work. I was beside myself! 

My hard work is starting to pay off. I'm going to keep on keeping on and hopefully in the not-so-distant future I won't hate clothes shopping so much. Until then, I will stick to shopping online. 

 

Finally!

I'm feeling it! Finally! Yesterday I put on a top that usually just fits. It's not so uncomfortable that I only focus on how the shirt makes me feel. You know what I mean right? When you have a shirt (or pants) that you're itching to get out of because the arms aren't quite right, or it sticks to you in all the wrong places, or rides up to show off your belly or butt...well, I put that shirt on yesterday and the arms weren't so bad and it felt a little loose in the midsection.  The waist was still the same but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it was fitting. But then I thought it was just in my head. I'm happy to report it wasn't!  I have on another top today that is loose!!!  It's a top that I've never been uncomfortable in but can see and feel how loose it is in the middle. YEAH!!!! A Non-scale victory for me.

Another finally to report: I have skin issues...not to bore you with all the details and to make a long story short, I was told it looks like psoriasis by one doctor, then another said "no, more like eczema  then I saw another doctor who said it was probably psoriasis but she wanted to look at it again in the fall (that was in the spring). Anyway, I saw her yesterday and she confirmed that I most certainly have psoriasis. Yeah me!  She also told me to go back to the rheumetologist because I have (some) joint pain that was unexplained before and now we're thinking maybe psoriatic arthritis. I'm happy that I finally have a definitive answer as to what's going on, I just hate that there is little I can do about it other than steroid creams. It could be worse.

My thought of the day is: persistance pays off. I didn't give up with the gym when the scale went in the wrong direction...I'm seeing the payoff. And I didn't give up with the doctors. I had to go through a number of them before finding out what's what, but I finally got an answer. Sounds familiar with my MGUS stories.

Never give up!

ETA:  I have a job interview tomorrow!  It's for a "little" part time job. Two days a week. Will be enough (maybe) to cover Hub's gas to get him to work for the week.

Robbed and FMM

It's Monday!  As if you needed reminding. Monday's are always busy around here (I'm sure they are for you too).  Today is no different but had a little added spice to make it that much "better".
I received a phone call at 8 this morning from my father. (Odd that he'd be calling...my parents live here too, we have an in-law apartment on our house). Anyway, he asked me if Hub's car started. I said I didn't know, he was out there at that moment moving the car seat back into my van. Dad went on to say that Hub's car lights were on when he went out to work this morning (somewhere around 4AM). He then asked me if his cell phone was on his counter. I checked, it wasn't. He said, "well, call your mother and tell her to cancel the phone. It was stolen. What some idiot wants with my pink (yes, I said pink) cell phone is beyond me!"   He went on to tell me that his dash compartment was taken apart...stuff all over his seat.

Hubs checked his car out. Nothing stolen, although the "idiots" left a flashlight and tried unscrewing his REMOVABLE (as in pick it up off the cradle) XM radio. Nothing in my car was touched...we think my father may have scared them off because Hub's car door was open and they clearly forgot something (flashlight). When I called the police they said "Oh, there's an officer down on XX Street for the same thing"  Great.

It seems to me it's some stupid kids out for a gag. A friend of mine who's husband is a town police officer said that there have been a lot of car break ins in this neighborhood. Great. My family has lived here for 30+ years. We've never had the house or our cars broken into. The worst that has ever happened was someone stole my brother's bike (he left it in the front yard) when we were kids and at Halloween our pumpkins would be smashed (everyone's were). Side note about the pumpkins: When I was a kid, my grandmother (who lived in the in-law apartment) had had it with the hooligans who were smashing pumpkins so she thought she's "fix their wagon" - her words - and covered all the pumpkins and gourds with cod liver oil.  She always had a trick up her sleeve.

The other thing that happened when I was a kid was there was a group of "lunch bandits" going around in the summertime. Yup, they were a group of teenagers who would go into people's houses, make themselves some lunch and watch the tube. Nothing was ever taken (other than some grub). Again, silly kid stuff.

Alrighty, enough of that. Onto FMM: 

 Uniquely You

1) Do you prefer to talk or text? Neither, I'm an email kind of girl. Although, I would prefer (most of the time) face-to-face interaction. 

2) How often do you make your bed?  if it gets made once a week, I'm happy. I hate making the bed! 

3) What sounds do you hear right now? The ringing in my ears. My fingers tapping on the keyboard and my little guy singing "twinkle twinkle little star" and every made up variation he can think of.

4) List three things that you always carry with you.  Phone (hubs would beg to differ but now that I have an iphone, it's with me more than it's not), my charming personality - ha!, and my purse. 

5) What are your favorite TV shows?   Grey's, Private Practice  Mike & Molly, CSI, Criminal Minds - we are also getting into Revolution and Go On

6) Is there a hobby that you’d like to devote more time to? If so, what is it? Scrapbooking

7) What is your favorite drink? Diet coke and iced coffee

8) Share a couple of cool facts about your family. Not sure about this one. I feel like we are so boring.  My late grandfather was a WWII hero during D-Day.  I've written about him before here. 

9) List one thing that you will do for yourself today. I am about to head out to the gym for my beating. Can't wait as I am feeling better. (physically anyway). 

10) Share something that you’re thankful for today. My family. 

Weekend Update

It's a pretty slow weekend.

The weather is lousy. I actually turned on a little heat last night. Not the whole house heat, but the little electric fireplace heater that we have. It was just enough to warm up the living room, get the chill out.

Hubs took our elder son to New York City for the weekend so it's just been myself and the "little" one. I would have loved to take him apple picking or something like that but with the cold and rain, it just wasn't in the cards. We ended up at the mall. He's a great date! We split a little personal pizza from Pizza Hut. Not the best of choices, but when you're only having half, it's not so bad. We also picked up some Halloween crafts to get ourselves into.

My bringing up the Pizza Hut pizza leads me into a thought I had last night. I was scouring the kitchen for something to eat. Not just anything...something not processed. Because It's just been the little one and myself for the last three days, I haven't really cooked anything. I am so tired of quick, processed foods!  My body is screaming for something good to eat. You know, a full, yummy meal. So I think I will get on that today...I'll need something home cooked and delicious for the football game this afternoon.  I just don't know what.

I realized late on Friday that I didn't weigh in.  I did, however, check on Thursday because I felt lighter.  As of last Thursday, I was within a pound and a half of what was gained the previous week. I will weigh in tomorrow morning so I can update my September total.  Just hoping to keep it the same.

On the Up Swing

Boy! I've certainly been Debbie Downer lately.

I hate getting into these funks, but I know we all need to experience them once in a while, it's how we learn and grow.   There is a part of me that is feeling a bit better today, but I have a ways to get it all together.

My cold is just about gone and my shoulder pain seems to be at bay. I was able to have a kick ass session at the gym.  Did a 5 minute warm up on the arc trainer, my 30 minute kick ass session with the trainer and then 15 minutes on the bike. It was the first time in a week that I was able to go from one activity to the next with little to no troubles. It's about time this cold takes it's ball and goes home!

Having a kick ass session in the gym did help (a little) with my mental status. When I have a good workout, I generally feel like I can take on the world. And I felt like that until I walked in the door to the house and realized how much work I had to do to get the place in order. There were three loads of laundry (folded) that needed to be put away, the floors needed sweeping and/or a good vacuum and the dishes were piling up. That was all I could see when I walked in the door. I HATE leaving the house dirty in the morning. I really do. And this is why. I fought the tears and frustration and got myself together so I could pick my little guy up at school. I then avoided coming home because I just didn't want to deal with all the crap that needed to get done around the house.

I fought tears for a lot of today. I need a break and there just isn't one coming in the near future. I had to push that all aside and just "do it". Now that everything is (mostly) done, I feel like a huge ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders.

I worked with a different trainer on Wednesday - Bob is his name. Anyway, he asked me what my triggers are for food and/or eating.  This would be a huge one! When I am overwhelmed with a million and one things to do, especially when I am burned out, that's when I will eat. I caught myself doing just that earlier this week. Instead of just doing the chores or whatever it was I needed to do, I found myself scouring the cabinet for a distraction. If I'm eating, I can't be cleaning (or whatever it is I need to do that I'm clearly avoiding).

I'm most certainly an emotional eater!  I beat (most) of those emotions today though. I just did what I needed to do and now I can concentrate on me.

"Just Keep Swimming"

Trying to keep Dory in mind and "just keep swimming".

That's about where I am this week.

I can't seem to get a hold of my head. I'm in a million different places and am not quite sure where to begin: with anything. I feel like I'm just hanging out in some sort of limbo, just existing. I can't quite put my finger on what is exactly wrong. It's not all bad but it certainly isn't all good either.  I'm not (quite) in a depression...I've certainly had my fair share of that!  This isn't it. I just think I have too much on my mind. Too much to work out. Too much to do, physically and mentally.

I guess I should start by breaking everything down.

1. Still hanging out in limbo with the one item I really don't want to talk about. It's a waiting game. This is something I have zero control over and (honestly) I've been able to put it aside for now.

2. Still looking for a part time job. I *almost* feel like it's not what I'm supposed to be doing right now though. A few of the positions I've tried applying to have already been filled. I've applied for a few other positions but have yet to hear anything.

3. I feel like I'm in chaos. I have a hard time with clutter and everywhere I look there is clutter (that includes what's going on in my head). Keeping it basic though, it's clutter in the house. I'm trying to change out the summer for fall clothes. Putting away and taking out all the seasonal decor. Going through toys and such that the kids no longer play with. Even all the stuff that I don't "play with" any longer. So much clutter. Now, don't get me wrong, my house isn't like one on an episode of hoarders- but I sometimes feel like it is.

4. Weight issues: The personal training is going fairly well. I've had to see two other trainers with in the last week. One of them I will be working with on a fairly regular basis. He kind of scares me. But in a good way. I'm still frustrated about last weeks gain but have put it in the past. I peeked on the scale this morning and I'm very close to being back to where I was prior to last Friday. That's one positive. I want this cold to exit the building so I can go ahead full force!    My shoulder and feet are small bumps in the road, but are both things I can work around.

5. I'm tired. Really tired. Mostly mentally, but tired nonetheless. I need a vacation. My family needs a vacation. Unfortunately we had to cancel our upcoming (Thanksgiving) vacation to Disney.  I'm pretty bummed about it, but it's life. There will be other trips. I'm hoping we can plan a smaller (local) trip to a fun place around Thanksgiving.

Needless to say, I am trying to control what I can control. Trying to compartmentalize the things I can't. It's sometimes easier said than done but I'll get there. "This too shall pass"

Pain, Pain, Go Away

When it rains, it's pours.

Seriously.

I did something to my shoulder at the gym yesterday. I ended up heading over the the Doc's office because I couldn't move my head to look left. Made for terrible driving!  Thank goodness hubs could come home to help me out with getting the kiddos to their activities. I really wasn't feeling up to risking putting them in the car with my not having full range of motion.

So, what happened to my shoulder?  Well, apparently my muscle is very, very tense. I need to keep stretching and not lift heavy things for a few days to let it rest up.  She gave me some muscle relaxers to help me sleep (I didn't need 'em). I felt pretty good when I woke up this morning but am slowly losing the range of motion as the day progresses.

Despite my shoulder/neck being all uncomfortable, I was able to get some things done around the house this morning.  It's amazing what a clean(er) house can do for the spirits!  I've been in such a funk lately with my mood. Most of what's causing it is out of my control. Hubs told me again today that I need to put things into buckets and focus on what I can control and the rest will fall into place. He is 100% right (Shhhhh....don't tell him I said that!).

I applied for a parttime, seasonal position this morning. I'm a little nervous about the whole prospect of going back to work, even for the short term. I'm going to scour the help ads today to see if I can apply for a few more positions. Going back to work is really going to throw a wrench into the schedule, but we'll figure it out. It's what people do. My anxiety is more for my little guy but I can't worry about that until I find something.