I mentioned the other day that I was thinking about my progress (and lack thereof). I *think* I'm ready to start discussing some of my thoughts.
I'm certainly in a better place today than I was a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago I felt like I was spinning out of control; teetering on the edge of throwing in the towel for the millionth time. I knew I didn't want to do that, going back is not an option.
I didn't like myself fifty five pounds ago. Back then, I was watching life from my couch, rarely participating in life.
I was depressed.
I was alone.
I was stuck.
I needed help.
Today, it's a whole different story. I am no longer watching from my couch. I get up and participate. There are times that I would rather just sit and watch more from fear of what people will think when they see me than from the thought of not being able to do something. However, I know now that I can do almost anything that I put my mind into doing.
What is working for me this time is the gym. Well, not just the gym but more my trainers. I've been going to the gym on and off for a few years. The very first trainer I had was wonderful. If I had stayed with him, I would have been at goal by now. I opted though to try a less expensive trainer who was fine but I ended up getting hurt with her because she pushed the weights too quickly. I ended up quitting that gym for about six months before signing up where I am now.
Honestly, if it weren't for my wonderful trainers, I would be stuck on the couch approaching 400 pounds. No joke. I know that's exactly where I would be. But I'm not. I am in that gym working my hardest and seeing results. Damon and Rudy have really helped change my life. They have helped save me from myself. I am forever grateful.
I laugh a lot during my workouts. I also complain and I whine, but I do the work. There are many times when I don't believe I can do something that is asked of me only to prove myself wrong. Damon often asks me when I will trust him. I'm slowly learning to trust that when he says I can do something, I can actually do it. He's never been wrong. Neither has Rudy for that matter.
Trust my trainer.
With all that trust, I need to trust in the rest of the process. Trusting in that I know what I'm doing is right for me to make this all happen. I lose weight very slowly. Always have. I've said it before, I'll say it again; even doctors are baffled by how slowly I lose when I am doing things at 100%. I've given up on being 100% on 100% of the time. That is a formula for failure. I give up. I will throw in the towel. It just doesn't work.
My formula "this time" is to do things at my pace. I go through periods where I eat really really well and am in that gym and can just tear everything apart. Then I have periods like I just went through where it's a process of having to pick myself up. I think I need to drop some weight, hang out at that weight for a while and then move on again. It's what's been working.
I truly believe that in this way, I am setting myself up for success.
I'm setting up for maintenance.
If I can maintain my current weight within 5-10 pounds, I'm alright. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I don't feel like I'm in prison. Then, I get the wind back in my sails and am ready for take off. That's where I am right now. I am back. I am ready to drop the next portion of weight and land where ever I may land.
This is my journey. This is how I have to do it. I have to stop thinking about what others expectations are of where I am and "where I should be". I am where I need to be right now and that is all that matters.
Trust in my trainer; trust in myself.
I can do this.
I will do this.