Friday, January 4, 2013

I Don't Wanna

Woke up with a major case of the "I don't wannas". I made the mistake of having some tea before bedtime (I was cold, needed to warm up) and ended up paying the piper for it. I did not want to get out of bed this morning and I certainly didn't want to go to the gym. But, as I tell my eight year old, we all have things in life that we don't "wanna do" but we have to.

At least I am feeling just about 100%! If I wasn't feeling well, had the "I don't wanna" and had a workout with Rudy, I'm sure I'd be writing this from the grave!  So, the good news is that I am not dead and Rudy kicked the "I don't wannas" out of me.   I haven't had a workout with Rudy in quite some time with being sick and having to reschedule. I almost forgot what a tough workout he give me! I was crying a lot on the inside today and had a lot of the self-doubt thoughts going on. I was thinking "why am I here?" "I can't do this", "this is too hard"...

That last one stops me in my tracks everytime!  What's hard is being fat. There. I said it. I've been fat my whole life. Yes, I've just about accepted it even though I hate it so much!  What I really need to remember though is that no matter what Rudy or Damon (and sometimes Bob) ask me to do in the gym, that feeling (pain, dispair, hopelessness) will only last a few minutes in comparison to the pain I feel on a daily basis when I'm missing out on activity with the kids. I've missed out on so much of life because of my weight. I'm either to afraid to participate for fear of humiliation or I just can't participate because of my size.

One of the things I'm missing out on right now is sledding. I absolutely hate the cold. I can't breathe in the cold, I break out in hives, my skin gets dry and bleeds....I hate the cold. I do, however, I like to have fun with the kids. To not be able to go sledding with them kills me. We have a little hill in our back yard that I will sled a few times down on but I wouldn't go to the park or to a ski area where they have sledding for fear of killing someone. The last three years I've thought "next year I will be at a size and weight that I'll be able to take them sledding". Here I am saying the same.thing.over.and.over. I'm counting on my being able to stick with Damon and get this weight off so I can enjoy the outdoors with the kids.

Alright, enough of that. I'm depressing myself. Gotta stay in the positive.
So, I got a good workout in today. Didn't need to rest so much between reps because my coughing is well under control. I even did 10 minutes on the arc trainer. I would have loved to do more but my feet are giving me some trouble these days. I'll catch you up on that another day.

So, we're on day 3 and I've managed to log my food for the last 3 days. I have more than half of my water in already for today, and I've scrapbooked once already this week.  Not a bad start.

As far as weekend goals:
1. PLAN!  I had to run through the drive thru yesterday due to poor meal planning. This weekend I'm sitting down with the hubs and we're making a plan.

2. WATER!  I'm already feeling better because I've had "a lot" of water in the last two days. By "a lot" of water, I mean more than one glass. I am horrible with drinking in the winter. My water has to be room temp because I am so cold.

3. CRAFT! Saturday we'll be at my son's swim meet the whole day. As fun as the swimming is, the meets are just crazy long!  So Sunday I plan on getting some me time in and crafting! (I may even do some crafting this afternoon with the little one).

Have a great weekend!


  1. Hi Jenn, My recent blog post is about life being "too hard." You should read it because you remind me so much of myself about 7 years ago. The things you say in this post went through my mind many times in certain years. Glad that you just made yourself go to the gym. :D

    :-) Marion

  2. I did read your post the other day Marion. It was a great post that rendered me speechless! It's amazing how we all go through the same sorts of motions before finding our path.

    Thanks for your support! I really appreciate it!