The old ticker

First, let me say that this has happened before in the past so I'm not all that concerned.

Last Wednesday afternoon I was home alone (very, very rare for that to happen), when all of a sudden I started having chest pain. "Oh crap! Here we go again", I thought. It was a stabbing like pain, dead center of my chest.  As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was trying my hand at carb cycling. Because I was at day camp with my son all week, it was very easy to pack a protein shake to have on the go during the afternoon for a quick snack.  Well, the last time I was using protein, I had chest pains. I got them so bad, I ended up in the ER.  

Anyway, this time wasn't all that bad.  Just a scary moment.  I called my husband at work and told him to stay on the phone with me until it passed. Didn't take too long. We discussed the protein business and Googled the effects of whey protein.  I also took to a weight loss group I belong to on Facebook. A few people said they had similar issues with whey, it was due to a lactose intolerance thing.   I do have a slight intolerance to lactose.  There are certain cheeses and if I have too much cream in my coffee, watch out!

A few days before the chest pain thing happened, my heart began to race. That, of course, got me all worked up. In fact, it even woke me up a few times.  It was so bad that I gave a list of things for my husband to tell the kids for me should I not wake up.  Depressing, I know.

The pain and the palpitations went away by Wednesday night and I didn't feel anything else until later in the afternoon on Thursday.  I thought at that time it would be best to go ahead and call the doctor. Of course the wanted me to head straight into the ER.   After much reassurance that I was fine, the nice man gave me an appointment for first thing Friday morning.

The nurse practitioner and I went over my history.  Yes, this has happened before.  Many times. Yes, I've had full work-ups done.  Yes, I've worn holter monitors, no, nothing was ever found. In fact, the last time this happened, I was told I was at a very low cardiac risk. So why does this happen?  Honestly, I don't think I will ever have a concrete answer but the tests have begun. First, EKG. Nothing. Then blood, all normal (even my darn thyroid was normal!!  What?!?). Now I'm waiting for a barium test (because I'm having a hard time swallowing without nearly choking) as well as an event monitor which I need to wear for two whole weeks!  Yikes!

The chest pains only happened that one day.  The palpitations are still off the chart, but I'm OK.  I've honestly thought the protein was the culprit but seeing as I've been off it for over a week now, there has to be another reason.  Let the testing begin (mid-next week).

With all this going on, it is really reminding me the importance of eating right.  One of the things Chris Powell talks about in his book is how we make and break promises to ourselves all the time.  He encourages you to make small promises and keep them and then keep adding to the promise list as a way to get healthier and healthier.  He also says you should tell someone your promise to hold yourself accountable. You are my someone:

I promise to drink all my water tomorrow (at least 8 glasses) and eat and/or juice 2 large servings of veggies.

The water shouldn't be a problem, I have been pushing it for days.  The veggie thing?  That could go either way.  Kick my you-know-what if I don't eat or juice 2 large servings of veggies tomorrow.

Confession, Camp Fun, and Supermarket Woes

I'm gonna cut to the chase here and confess: I'm a hot mess right now.  The eating is out of control. I'm depressed about how gross I feel, nothing fits anymore. I can't even buy anything new because it's hard enough finding my size anywhere and now that summer is ending, the shelves are looking pretty bare with summer stuff.  My own fault.  No excuses.  Just me going back to old, bad, bad habits.

Honestly,  I have no idea how much I weigh right now.  I will check tomorrow but I know it's bad. I'll be honest, (excuse my language here) I was pissed off last week.  I went to summer camp with my eldest son the week before and we walked over 4 miles every day.  I was eating pretty close to a Paleo diet all.week.long. What happened?  I gained 7 pounds!!!  Really?  Who does that?  Me, that's who. So, yea, I've been feeling sorry for myself and have had a pity party but I'm about done. Why 'about' you say?  Well, tomorrow is my son's birthday. He's requested I make stuffed shells for dinner.  Really Buddy?  I was hoping he was going to ask for Chinese food (I can't stand the stuff). So tomorrow I'll be making him his stuffed shells while I'm trying not to stuff my face.

Camp week was a blast! This particular camp's theme was all about shooting. The boys got to do the tomahawks, pellet and BBs, archery, slingshots, and paintball.  My favorite is usually archery but I didn't have much luck this time.  I did do well with the pellet gun as well as paintball.  Had (too much) fun!!!

My pellet gun score - all 12 shots made the target.  

Imagine what it would have been if I had been wearing my glasses! 

Food shopping isn't fun right now (not that it ever was).  There is a big family brawl going on with the locally (family) owned supermarket chain.  The story did finally make it to the national news. Long story short, one cousin had the board oust the second cousin from his position as CEO.  The employees have gone mad because unlike most CEOs, this guy is actually a pretty decent guy.  He's well known for how well he treats the help.  It's not often you find people working for a company for 20, 30, and even 40 years, but it's pretty common with this place.  Anyway, the employees are protesting, the customers are boycotting, it's all nuts. 

I went to another local store to pick up a few things for the boy's birthday dinner tomorrow and came out of the store $55 poorer.  I purchased the items for dinner, muffins for breakfast, cookies for the kids and camp, and a package of lemons.  Yup! I'm ready for the store across the street to be back to business as usual!  My haul tonight would have been roughly $35 or so at good old Market Basket. Sigh. 

And there you have it.  The bad, the good, and the ugly. :)  I'll check in again soon.  Need to get my stuff together over here.  I can't believe all my good has come undone. 

Stop the ride!

Oye!  So much going on in my head right now.

Been on an emotional roller coaster for the last two days.
After reading all these books, I've been given a lot of food for thought which is good but maybe has given me too much to think about.

As of right now, I have too many thoughts rolling around in the head. I can't just pick one to talk about so I'm just going to step away for a bit so I can collect my thoughts, digest some of them, and see where I come out on the other end.

It may be a few days between postings.  It's a busy weekend coming up and then next week I'll be at summer camp with my son.  I'm looking forward to it but know from past experience that I'll be wiped out.  Bear with me though, I'm hoping to have some thoughts sorted out soon.

Book in hand!

Finally! I have a hard copy of Chris Powell's book in my hands! I mentioned a few days back that I've read the book on my Kindle but was having a hard time really dissecting the book so I purchased a hard copy.  I reread a few of the beginning chapters today. I have a notebook started with a ton of notes already.  There is a lot of food for thought in the first few chapters, makes me think he'd do well writing a book just on this one idea rather than making it about weight loss. 

Even with all my note taking today, I am not as obsessed as I was yesterday.  I'm fairly certain it's because I am on my second low carb days in a row.  I'm a little fuzzy and a bit cranky.  Tomorrow is a high carb day and boy, I cannot wait!  

That being said, you'll have to forgive me for being brief.  I'm a bit tired today and need to think about some of the things I read today.

Obsessed much?

When I get into a project, I mean really get into it, it's all I can think about.  For example, while working on my son's fourth grade memory book I would stay up until 1 to 2 in the morning just working away on organizing and preparing pages for the book. Then I would wake up the next morning and dive right in again. Some days I spent nearly 12 hours working on the darn thing. When I wasn't working on it, I was discussing it or thinking about it.  My mind never stopped until the darn thing was done.  In the end, it was worth all my hard work.  The kids were really happy and I received an email from the principal the other day stating how thankful she was and how she thought there was just a little something extra special about the book this year.  The compliment helped make all that stress and worry and work worth it.

Well, I'm obsessed again.  This time it's about weight loss (YES!! right?!).  It's all I can think about right now.  Seriously, I can't think about anything else. I am on a mission to find a formula that will work.  I've been reading blog after blog after blog.  I've read one book about carb cycling on my Kindle and ended up purchasing a hard copy tonight so I could go through and highlight and mark up the book where I need to. I have another book on the subject on the way from Amazon.  I've joined a few groups on Facebook, and have even spoken to a few friends of mine who have had surgery which ultimately lead me to read a few books on that subject.  If you can think of a way to lose weight, I've probably read about it over the last few weeks.  I just can't get enough information right now.  I know I said that the other day, but it's very true.

I guess I've finally (for real) hit rock, rock bottom.  I hate being stuck!  My current plan is to try the carb cycling for the recommended twelve weeks.  I figure it will also help me with my ultimate goal of being gluten free which is supposed to help with the Hashimoto's and the Psoriasis as well as the MGUS.  And speaking of being gluten free, I almost picked up the book Grain Brain tonight while I was at the book store (see, obsessed!).

 My hope is that this obsession of mine sticks around. Hopefully it's the drive I need to get moving in the right direction again.

Fingers crossed.

Little Bumps

Was rear-ended today.
Not bad.
Just a little bump.

Went through the drive thru.  The guy behind me was more worried about getting his garbage out of his car than he was about the vehicle in front of him. I hate the feeling you get when you've been rear ended.  This was the third or fourth time that something like that has happened to me.  Usually it's some Joe not paying any attention to what he's doing and BAM! I get it.  Luckily, nothing was damaged.  It really was just a little tap on the rear end (hey now!).

What irritated me about the whole thing was when I pulled over into a parking spot to check to make sure there wasn't any damage, he came barreling at me with his truck and said "ah, I just bumped you a bit, you'll be OK. I was looking for trash in my car."  Really?  How about "Gee, I am really sorry!  I hope everyone is OK.  Doesn't look like any damage but here is my info..."  That's how these things should work.  Like I said, I am happy the kids and I are not hurt and there is no apparent damage to the car.  Just wish people would act as if they are sorry.

Either way, Dude, I forgive you. It was an accident.  Next time though, ask if the person is alright or, at the very least, say "I'm sorry".

All that aside, today is my guilt free day portion of the week. For some reason, I am just not feeling very well today. I have the shakes and am very tired.  So tired, I can hardly stay awake.  Not sure what that is all about but I 'm done with it. Been trying to push some water, wondering if there may be a bit of dehydration going on?  There was one point earlier when I felt as if I was going to pass out.  Luckily that has since passed.

My guilt free day wasn't too bad. Started the day off super healthy. Tried to have a healthy dinner but the salad I made the other day went bad.  Ended up having something with more calories that I would have liked but at the end of the day, it wasn't all that bad.

Tomorrow is the start of week 2 of carb cycling.
I lost 3.7 pounds this first week.
Have 13.4 to go to hit my first mini-goal.

The things I need to work on this week:

Dropping the caffeine (AKA soda).  By the end of next week, I would like to be 100% off of it. Weaning. I'm not quitting cold turkey because if I did, I would be on the news. Seriously though, for right now, it's helping me get through on the lower carb days.

Move!  I've been sedentary for the last two weeks. I feel it when I just walk across a parking lot.  Not good for business.  Summer is killing me with the relaxing. Next week is going to be busy (at camp with the boy) so I need to do something this week so I won't be dead next.

Water!  Getting there.  I've been drinking some every day which is huge for me.

I think that's a good start for this week.  I'll adjust as things progress.

Tired

Obesity sucks.

I feel like there is no digging out.  I've tried and tried and tried and tried for many, many years to lose weight.  I have been my current size since I graduated high school (just a few short moons ago ).  Sure, I dropped some weight before I was married but only put that right back on. Then I had my first baby and put on about 50 pounds. I eventually lost that and a little more before getting pregnant with my second child. I didn't gain all that much the second time around, which was wonderful.  I've gained and lost. Lost and gained more times than I can count. 

Most of the time I try to accept the fact that I am who I am and just go on with life. After all,  a large portion of my family are overweight.  My parents are, my maternal grand-father was slightly overweight while my grandmother was a tiny little thing (why couldn't I have gotten her genes?).  My paternal grandparents weren't really overweight, well, my grandmother was chunkier in her elder years but when she was young, she was in the military and quite beautiful (not that being chunky isn't beautiful). There are many a cousins on both sides who are chunky to obese. Given all that in my gene pool, the cards are just stacked against me.

I'm getting tired of everything.

Tired of clothes not fitting, not being able to get up from off the floor easily, being uncomfortable in my skin because my skin is sticking to my skin.  Tired of thinking I can do this and be thinner and fitter by next summer (been saying that one for the last 29 summers). Tired of not seeing my cheekbones or my wrist bones.  Tired of hearing kids comment on how fat I am and thinking about the comments people mumble under their breath about my size. I'm tired of hoping and failing. Tired of broken promises to myself.

The thing I am most tired of is not being 150% happy with my life.   Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of blessings and things (people) to be happy and grateful for.  And I am grateful. I truly am. I think I've done all the things I can do in my life to be as happy as I can be given my weight.  It's time to shake things up and get to see that thin girl who's inside kicking and screaming to get out. The trouble is, I don't know how to get her out of there. I've tried so many keys and have failed. What's it going to take to break the code?  I guess time will tell.

I've turned to God for some guidance.  My relationship with the great Heavenly Father isn't all that great. I'm not a huge church goer for a lot of my own personal feelings and beliefs.  I do believe in God and in a higher power.  I believe in signs. So, I've asked for some guidance and have asked to be shown the way to a healthier me.  With His guidance, I've been researching a number of things. I've done more reading and thinking in the last few weeks about weight loss than I have about any other subject in my life.  I will find the key to my success; I know I will.

Until then, I will keep reading and will keep plugging away.  Every little ounce is one ounce closer to another goal. First goal is just 7.2 pounds (as of last week) away (taking things in 10 pounds increments).

Too much negativity

Just shaking my head today.

The negativity in this world is getting out of control.

Everywhere you turn, someone has something nasty to say. It's not enough just to have just an opinion about something. No!  People seem to have to take it to the next level by throwing insults and or just being over-the-top nasty.
Is there a need?
What purpose does that serve?
As far as I'm concerned, there is no need for it!  State your opinion; move on.  No need to be nasty.

It's funny how things seem to happen in clusters like that.  I belong to a few Facebook groups and the other day the admin of one of them posted this rant about all the negativity. Reading through the hundreds of comments, I noticed people saying that they have seen lots of drama during that particular day on other pages they belonged to.  Reading further pages and blogs I also noticed the negativity. Made me sad.

Then today I pop over to see where Josh from http://700poundsisasbadasitsounds.blogspot.com/ is at. He hasn't posted in a while and it's not like him. Reading through the comments made me a little angry. I'm not sure why people feel like he owes them anything.  He's just a guy on a journey.  He's put himself out there for whatever reason and now he's not there.  I hope and pray that he is OK. I hope that he has computer troubles or is just not in the head space he needs to be in to come check in. Goodness knows that I've been there.  I think many of us have been. He (nor does anyone else) doesn't owe anyone anything.  I hope the positive comments out shine the negative ones when he does return.

Josh, wherever you are, I hope you are OK.

Too old for this

What is up with the summer (summah -as we'd say it in these parts) colds that have been going around?  My kids had one last month, followed by my husband catching on right at the end of our vacation, and finally it's my turn.  I've been fighting it for a few days but today it really caught up to me.  My ear was in a world of hurt!  I thought I paid the ear gods my dues when I was a child. Apparently I still owed.

Other than that, today was another success.  I managed to stay on my low carb day and ate every three hours as per the instructions.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow which is a high carb day. Yeah!

Wins for today:
Stayed on plan
Scrapbooked!  Finished a pag. Thought for sure I would be able to do two tonight but I'll take the one.

Could do better:
Water -one of these days I'll get that in the win column.
Soda- way too much.
Workouts - or the lack there of.  We should have gone for a bike ride tonight but with my ear pain, I just wasn't up to it.

Tomorrow is a busy morning. We have errands and such to do and hopefully we'll be able to fit in something fun before it gets too hot. Until then, it's time to rest this ear up.

Better than yesterday

A much better day today. Don't get me wrong, yesterday wasn't bad...today was just better. I wanted to crack around 3:00. I wasn't sure I was going to make it any further without binging but I pushed through it and am on the other end feeling good about myself.

My next task is to get to the book store to purchase a hard copy of Chris Powell's book.  I've read it (a few times) on my kindle but there is something about having a hard copy on hand to thumb through when I have questions.  When I'm not feeling better (I have a summer cold), I will talk more about this plan.  I know some may be concerned about the 'giving up' of carbs.  That's not what carb cycling is about. Not in the least.  Yes, there are days when you have less carbs than others, but in no way can I never have a piece of pizza should I want one.  Honestly, I don't think this is a full life-time solution. That is OK. I have a few reasons for giving this a try which I will discuss within the next few weeks.

Wins for today:
Pushed through the 3:00 desire to go on the "oh, screw it diet"
Drank even more water than yesterday. Still not at where I want to be, but getting there. My bladder is yelling at me.

Things that could go better:
Still need better planning for the mid-afternoon blahs.
Soda needs to go away. I had 3 today which is more than yesterday but still less than the day before that.  The soda helped get me through the thought to binge so I suppose it's a win.  Sigh.

Until tomorrow....

What week is it?

ACK!  I was doing so much better when I was logging daily. We went on vacation, had no internet connection (well, I had some on my phone, just couldn't get on via the lappy) - I know, the HORROR! :)  Then last week was all crazy with hubby's b-day and Independence Day....excuses, excuses, excuses...

So, here we are. A new week and yet another new plan.  I've been reading a lot about carb cycling and thought I would give it a shot.  I weighed in yesterday and was down a bit but this morning I woke up feeling extra bloated...was up over where I started from a few weeks ago.  Gotta love summer.

I would love to say that my day went perfectly well with day one of Carb Cycling. I made it half way through the day before veering off coarse.  I'm still well within calories, so that is OK.  I just need to have a better plan in place. Tomorrow will go better.

Today's successes:  Drank more water than I have in the last week.  Had less soda than usual (really am trying to give it up!)

Tomorrow's goals: 2 soda limit.  9 glasses of water. Morning workout. 1 scrapbook page completed.

Fun in the sun

Today was a picture perfect day.  Wasn't too hot yet was hot enough for a swim should you care to do so. There was a perfect summer breeze and not a cloud in the sky.  Like I said, picture perfect.  I was outside for a few hours this afternoon helping at my son's school - it was his field day.  The kids seemed to have a blast and I am certainly worn out.  Even though it wasn't over-the-top hot, it was still warm enough to wear me out.  I'm afraid I am getting old - I just can't take the heat any more.

I had a flashback to elementary school at one point today.  My kids go to school in the same school I went to as a kid (my son even had my first grade teacher when he was in first grade!).  Anyway, I was walking the field and rounded the corner at the end of the tennis courts when this moment flashed before me.  I recalled the times we would have to run the mile - 4 times around the perimeter of the tennis courts. The thought of running that stupid thing made me chuckle a bit.  I hated running back then!  I can still feel my lungs burning and my legs feeling like they were going to fall off. Maybe one of these days I should challenge myself to a little run around there again.  Will have to keep that in mind for when I'm back in a little better shape.

The school year is finally wrapping up. Only 3 more days and they will be done!  Better get planning the fun around the summer camps.  Honestly, I can't wait to not have a routine for a little bit. Truth be told, I'm already in summer mode and happy to be here.

Eating was great today.  I certainly made up for the few extra calories from yesterday.  When I'm hot, I just don't want to eat. Not always a bad thing.  I will force myself so I don't get sick, but it's easier to make healthier choices when you're hot.  One of the reasons I love summer.

Begin Week 2

Had a difficult (stressful) night last night.  There is much drama going on with my son at school. I don't want to get into specifics but will just say that there have been many arguments between him and one of his "friends". They have been on a rocky road for months and it really came to a head last night.  I'm done with his school. I'm done with his grade level. I'm done. Done. Done. It's been a long year and we just keep reminding ourselves that they just have 5 more days left of school.

Deep breaths.

I found myself looking for food to comfort the stress.  A few times I stopped myself dead in my tracks.  Others I didn't.  The good news though is that I got in a great workout tonight and only ended up slightly over on my calories for the day.  If I'm really careful, I should be able to make it up in the days to come. Getting back into the positive talk and not turning to food for solace is a difficult. However I did it once, I can certainly do it again! 

My focus for the coming week is going to be with drinking my water and getting in a few workouts. I have an exciting workout to tell you about but will do that in an upcoming post. :) 

Going on vacation next week which will be filled with eating out so must do really well this week so next week won't hurt too much.  The good thing about the summer is it's too hot to eat too much.  So long as I can keep my head from getting me into trouble, I'll be all set to go. 

I have to keep the eye on the prize! 

"Only" 26.2 left to go to be where I was last May. 

162 days to Disney. 

End Week 1

Down 4.1
Not a shabby start at all!

I'm already feeling better. I'm certainly no where as bloated as I was a week ago.  I feel my energy slowly creeping back up.  Those jean capri's that were cutting off my circulation last week are almost wearable again.  I suppose I could wear them now if I really wanted to, I wouldn't turn blue like I did last week. For now though, I put them aside and will recheck next week.

Short post for today.  Been busy and am feeling a bit burned out. Need a relaxing night.

Monday woes

Today was a "rough" day as in things didn't go as planned.  I was supposed to get going this morning with some quick household stuff and then the plan was to head to the food store for a few items that we were running low on before my son's playdate was to arrive.  As I was getting ready, my neighbor phoned to ask me if I could watch her son for a little while. "No problem!" So, instead of hitting the food store, I popped over to the drive thru for a coffee and a few munchkins for the kids.  (Honestly, I only had a few munchkins and I tracked them). All wouldn't be lost, I'll just hit the store after the other two boys left.  My neighbor's son left about an hour after she dropped him but the other little boy and his mom stayed for the rest of the morning and well into the afternoon.  It was nice to have the company but I wasn't able to get any of my to-do list done.

Anyway, I didn't get to eat lunch until 3:30 when they left.  I offered to make something but I didn't have anything in that they liked. That certainly threw me off.  When you go without eating for the better part of six hours, you are hungry!  Luckily though, I was able to stay within reason and only ended up slightly over my calories for the day.  I wouldn't be upset about that if I had gotten in some activity - there is always tomorrow. 

Speaking of tomorrow - it's weigh in day!  Can't wait to see where I am at! 

Weekend Wrapup

(Sorry for the delay. The fam was on vacay and the internet was a bit wonky where we were)

Heading into the weekend can either be a blessing or a curse. During the week, I am in a routine- I only have to take care of myself and my little guy now that preschool is out for the summer.  The difficult part is I have to give up the gym for the summer.  Well, to be truthful, I probably don't have to give it up, I'm just not going to get up at 6am to go to the gym! I know, I know, you're probably rolling your eyes and yelling at your screen, but believe you me, it's better for everyone if I don't get up at that hour! Trust me!!  On top of that, we are a single income family. I do work part time during the rest of the year but that goes away during the summer which makes it that much more difficult to afford.

Anyway, I was quite nervous going into my first weekend of being on plan.  I even mentioned to Hubs about how I love having him home but hate that we tend to make poor decisions food wise during the weekend. He seemed to agree.  He is also trying to eat better so the weekend shouldn't be all-that-difficult to get through.

Saturday was busy with the kid's activities and getting things done around the house.  It was also the 'bummer' sort of day of the weekend as it rained on and off all day.  Once our activities and chores were done, we were expecting to have to sit in and watch a movie or something given the rain but as luck had it, the weather turned and we were able to get out of the house for a little while to get some much-needed movement in.

Father's Day started out a bit rocky.  Hubs got up to make a big breakfast for he and the kids.  I would have made it but I "can't" cook eggs the way he likes them and he honestly enjoys cooking so I let him have-at-it.  The poor guy got a good slice in his finger though while he was cleaning up....I'll leave you with he's fine but it wasn't a pretty site.

Luckily though, we were able to turn the day around food-wise and kept things well within calorie budget. On top of that, we had a fairly active day so all in all the first weekend is a win!

The dreaded dress

Day three has been a bit trying.

My little guy was up half the night last night with a sore throat and an earache.  He ended up climbing in with us for some mommy snuggles.  My kids are good about staying in their own beds so I'm usually OK with them climbing in with us once in a while when they are sick.  That being said, it was a huge mistake last night.  The boy could not stay still.  He tossed and turned and turned and tossed.  On top of that, he whined in his sleep.  Needless to say, it was a long night.   Hubs took him to the doctor first thing and there is nothing wrong with his ear or his throat.  Hopefully an infection won't pop up over the weekend. 

Admittedly, I was a bit worried going into today because of how tired I was.  Making better choices is often a bit more difficult when you're overtired. I was able to keep my wits about me though and anytime I had the thought to say "screw it" I'd immediately think about how bad I've been feeling and opted something better. So far, I'm keeping the eye on the prize: for now, fitting into my clothes.

Speaking of clothes, I had to go shopping for a dress up outfit today.  I work at a dance studio and the Show (we don't call it a recital) is tomorrow.  I need to pop on stage to be introduced so I should wear something that is half decent. I absolutely hate clothes shopping again. I can't find my current size. They seem to carry plenty of the larger sizes as far as tops go but bottoms are hard to find.  I was hoping to pick up some dressier crop or capris.  I would certainly wear those again over the summer on a night out.  Unfortunately, I only found a long skirt. I feel frumpy and dumpy in dresses and skirts but I have to suck-it-up and wear it anyway.   I give credit to heavy women everywhere who can pull off skirts and dresses!

Day 2

Woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to go.
I had a little less bloat going on which also helped with my mood.

My pants have been so tight that I've had to unbutton them while in the house just so I don't pass out from lack of oxygen. Yeah, they are that tight.  There are a few pants and a few tops that I've had to put away in a drawer for future use. It angers me that I let things get this bad but I'm on my way to making it all better.    

Anyway, today my pants weren't quite as tight as they were yesterday.  They are tight, but I can at least breathe and I don't feel like my organs are screaming bloody murder on the inside. 

I was dead-on calorie wise and am looking forward to continuing in this fashion in day 3. 

A Fresh Start

Starting over is difficult.  Knowing that you're redoing what you've already done in the past is frustrating and maddening.  I had a lot of ups and downs throughout the day but I'm calling it a win and done.

My original plan for today was to get my eldest off to school and then my little one and I would head off to the store to stock up on fruits, veggies, and chicken.  A wrench was thrown in though when my eldest woke up with a migraine.  We ended up at the doctor's office rather than the grocery store. Because of how horrible I felt though, I opted not to "start tomorrow". Even with a bare fridge I made due with what he had on hand and stayed within my calorie range. At the end of the day, I felt pleased with myself.

Have no fear, hubs went food shopping on his way home from work (he's a terrific guy that way).  The fridge is now stocked with all kinds of healthy foods which will make tomorrow and the days to come all that much easier.

Bring on Day two....

Rock-Bottom

It's been 141 days since I've last sat down to write.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I've sat down a number of times to write but I felt hypocritical and ended up scrapping all of my thoughts.  Maybe I should just say that it's been 141 days since I last posted.  Although, that won't be entirely true because I am holding onto this post for a bit to make sure things are really getting started.

How about we leave it as: It's been a while.  How've ya been?

I've hit my rock-bottom.  I've thought I hit it once or twice in the last few months but I was wrong.  I finally hit it and have decided to push off the and float back toward the top.  I hate the way I feel at this very moment. Every thought I have is filled with negativity.  Every single hair on my body is full of discomfort. No matter where I look or go, I am just a big old uncomfortable mess. So, what am I going to do about it?

Before I get to that, let me put out there where I am at now.  What are my thoughts, my feelings, how terrible do I really feel?  When we last met, I was just hanging out, trying to lose the little bit I had gained over the winter holidays.  At first I was doing just fine.  I did lose a little here and there but I never really got into a groove like I had in the past.  I felt....blah. My head and my heart just weren't in it.  I thought a few times about blogging to see if that may spark some inspiration but nothing came to me to write about.  I just stared at a blank screen not knowing what to say. Let's face it, I'm not a writer and I'm certainly not a blogger.  I honestly felt (and still do, to some extent) that my writing here on a "weight loss" blog was getting old.  How can I come here and talk about my standing still or worse, gaining when I'm supposed to be losing?  I read a number of blogs where people are doing just that and it may be fine for them to do but it isn't fine for me.

My trainer says he can tell when I am blogging; I am usually more focused and do better. So, I'll give it another shot.

I lost a bit of the holiday weight and was getting back into a better gym routine when I hurt my back. It's from an old HS injury that I've mentioned once or twice in the past.  This time was worse than it's ever been.  We were away with the kids and I was full of stress from a project I was working on for my son's school...I sat in this office-like chair for hours and hours in the hotel while the kids were asleep. Because of that, I woke up in the middle of the night in pain.  We ended up having to come home a little early from our small vacation.  Anyway, I was down and out for a few days but couldn't do anything gym-wise for about six weeks.  It was all downhill from there.

Now I am here with an extra 30 pounds or so to take BACK off!  My clothes are really, really tight (the ones that still kinda fit). Walking even short distances is back to being difficult.  Getting off the couch is hard. I'm getting yeast infections back-to-back. My joints hurt. I have bone pain, which I haven't had in a few years.  All-in-all, I feel like......BLEEEP!

That is all about to change!!  I have 163 days to Disney and I WILL not feel like this for my much-anticipated trip!  We've had to cancel two years in a row so I am really amped about this trip.  It all begins now.

Not A Snow Day

My son was a bit disappointed this morning when there was just a dusting of new snow and school was in.  Admittedly, I was a little disappointed too.  I was looking forward to just hanging out with my two boys today. We'll have another snow day, I'm sure.  

I did keep my promise to myself. I worked out today.  I have a number of workouts pinned on Pinterest so I began my morning by picking one that I thought I could get through without too much trouble.  I found a great one.  It took about 40 minutes to complete and BOY am I sweating up a storm!  I did end up making a few modifications....

        High knees weren't pretty...more like a march but with high knees. :)

        Plie Squat - I added a light kettle bell. It's what I would do in the gym and I figured the extra calories burned certainly wouldn't hurt - especially where I had to drop one of the exercises. 

        Split Squats - I tried but just am not quite ready to do these yet. I didn't want to risk an injury so it's out. 

        Butt Kickers - more like fast kickbacks.  I can't be running or jumping around with my plantar fasciitis.  I have to work with what I have and change the movement to work for me. 

I'll be honest though, there was a lot of self-talk going on.  I wanted to stop after the first round but looked at the time and told myself to press on and to two rounds.  When the third came up, I told myself I wanted to see my inner athlete so I pushed on.  

My legs are a little jellylike but it's all for the greater good. 

Tomorrow's workout will focus more on the upper body and a bit on the core. 

A girl can dream

Day 2 went well.
I'm at about 1900 or so calories. Before you panic, remember that I tend to do better in the 1800-2000 calorie range.  I try to stick to somewhere between 1500 and 1800 on most days so if I do have a day that I do go over a little, it's not the end of the world.

My regret for the day is not exercising.  I have a workout all planned, just poor planning on my part didn't get it done.  I'm not working tomorrow, and it is most likely going to be a snow day anyway so I will have plenty of time to get it done.  If I don't, you can yell at me.

My jeans felt a little looser today.  The jeans I'm wearing were fresh from the dryer so there is no chance they were stretched out from yesterday.  I hopped on the scale to make sure I wasn't imagining things, and sure enough, I am down!  I had the jeans on though so I don't know by how much.
---
Last night, while trolling Facebook, I noticed a post from Chris Powell  (the trainer from Extreme Makeover -Weight loss Edition).  He posted a video announcing the show is casting again. I thought for a moment that I might apply.  Now, please don't get all negative on me.  I understand that I don't need a TV show to help me.  I get all the negative things about it being a TV show....let's think about the positive for a moment.  For me, having someone there (here) to show me the ropes, to help me really live the way I know I should be living, to prove to me that I can do it (I know I can, but...you know what I mean)...there are just so many positive things that could happen to have a personal trainer at your service for long stretches of time.

I know reality TV isn't in my immediate (or ever) future, but to dream about it is kind of fun.  In fact, I am almost giddy just thinking about it.  The thought of making a video stops me right in my tracks.  That was a horrible experience (I submitted a video for BL Season 10).  I don't know what to do in front of the camera and instead of showing off my personality, I make myself look like a fool.  Oh well. It was fun to think of the possibilities for just a moment. :)

And getting back to reality...on to Day 3. Like I said, it's looking like it will be a snow day.  I have dinner all planned and WILL get a workout in.  And then I will be in my jammies hanging out with the kids.

Hope you are safe and warm, wherever you are.

Season Ended

Things are still spotty as far as posting goes. 

I have a lot on my plate right now.  

It's nothing big, just a lot of little things which add up quickly to "a lot on my plate".  

I'm still here though and I haven't given up. 

The scale is still the same.  I haven't been at the gym because there was a miscommunication between my trainer and I about when I needed to pay for my sessions. Long story short, my gym budget is gone, temporarily. I'm scheduled to go back next week but honestly, I don't think that is even going to work. 

I've been trying to find alternatives to going to the gym.  I gave the Xbox ONE a try.  Yeah, the fitness channel on there isn't made for people of size.  Now, I can do a lot and I have a lot of stamina, it's just....well, jumping around isn't something I can do.  My feet, for starters, would be back to plantar faciitis hell before I even took my first jump.  I've taken to Pinterest to find workouts and have found a few that are very similar to that of what I do in the gym. Starting tomorrow morning, I plan on giving that a go. 

My eating has been pretty good.  Well, with the exception of yesterday when I hosted a play-off party. My NE Patriots lost (to be truthful, it was amazing they even made it the the playoffs in the first place with all their injuries) which bummed me out but it's all OK.  Anyway, there has been a lot of football food around my house over the last few weekends.  I've hosted a few parties and now we are partied out and are ready to get on with it. 

I'm not feeling good about myself right now.  I am feeling that "woe is me" sort of feeling you get when you pack on pounds. My pants are still a little tight and I feel horrible.  I am trying to pull myself out and remind myself that I haven't gained it ALL back (although, it feels that way), it won't take that long to get back to where I was.  If I just focus now, I could fit better in these jeans by the end of the month and then be down another pants size by my birthday (April).  

The good news is that I have seemed to pull my head out from where ever it was today.  I made better choices and I even stopped myself from making a sandwich when I got home from work (7:30PM).  I thought I was hungry but realized that I'm probably just thirsty.   These are the moments that add up to a big moment of waking up to better fitting jeans. 

Today's calories: 1600 (there about: my lunch is estimated on the high end and I'm feeling like I'm forgetting something)

14 in 2014

Happy Friday!

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions.  I feel like it's just a set-up for failure.  Everyone likes to start off with a clean slate, but why can't we just do that on a daily basis (or Monday- haha).   I have decided though that there are a few things that I would like to work on or accomplish in the coming year. My list was getting longer and longer so I decided I would shoot for 14 things I would like to accomplish or do this year.

1. Go on vacation.  Or at least book a serious vacation for 2015.  We have had to cancel 2 Disney trips in the last 2 years due to outstanding circumstances.  We've taken day-trips here and there so it's time for an actual good old-fashioned family vacation.

          1a.  One of my girlfriends and I turn 40 (a long, long, long time from now), at the same time. We thought we should plan a big trip. We're talking someplace warm with beaches and no kids.  Right now the thought is the Dominican Republic.  We'll see.  No matter, it's getting booked this year for that date which is a long, long. long time from now. ;-)

2. By the end of the year I would like to see myself in a size 20. 18 would be better but I won't stress myself out about getting there. If it happens, it happens.

3. Go gluten free (again).  I felt so much better way back when I was gluten free. I have an auto-immune disease (a few of them, really) so I really should be gluten free to help with those symptoms. Starting Monday ;-).

4. Let go of things that have happened in the past.  I always say that I don't hold grudges and I think to some degree that is true.  I do, however, find myself bringing stuff up that happened eons ago.  I need to let it all go and live for today.

5. Scrapbook more.  Seriously, I probably completed a dozen layouts last year.  I need to get back into the swing of things and start posting my scrapbook pages on the weekends like I did way-back-when.

6. Learn Photoshop.  I've been working on this one already.  It's been a long-time wish of mine and now I am going to make it happen.

7. Go to the beach this summer.  It's been too long since the last time we've been to the beach. I would like to go at least once this year even if it's just to walk around and play in the sand.

8. Have a girls weekend.

OK, now it's getting difficult to think of something...  I thought I could do it. Maybe I just need more time to think about it. For now though, I think I have a decent start.

Well, hello there!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season!

Mine was busy and went by a bit too fast.

We hosted Thanksgiving.  It was probably one of the better Thanksgivings we've had in a number of years.  I have a long-time online friend who moved here from across the "pond" over the summer. I offered to host her and her family;  we throughly enjoyed sharing our American traditions with our Scottish friends.

I did some Black Friday shopping. A new(er) tradition I've formed with a friend.  We had a blast and am already looking forward to doing it again next year.   It's fun to people watch.  We haven't encountered the craziness that you see on the news.  In fact, this year things were really, really tame. We were quite shocked with how slow the stores were.

The rest of the holiday season was quite busy.  I chair a table at my son's school during their holiday shop.  I have to make sure there is enough gifts to choose from for the kids to purchase for their father, uncle, grandfather, etc.   It's a stressful project but it's also very rewarding.  I still have a tote of stuff I need to get back into storage in my living room.

Christmas was a lot of fun.  I love that my kids still believe.  Although, I suspect that my eldest is questioning some things so this may have been the last year for that. I hate that they are getting older. Trying to enjoy every last moment that I can!   The rumor is that the silly Elf on the Shelf has kept the spirit alive for kids.  A psychiatrist friend told me that she is seeing kids get another year or two out of the Santa thing. Love it.

Speaking of Christmas, what did the big man bring you?
If you remember my last post, I said I really wanted a MacBook. Apparently the big man reads my blog, who knew?  I am currently writing from my new MacBook Pro.  I LOVE it!  

I am trying to return the other gift the big guy left for me...it's right on my thighs and butt...I hate to admit it but I'm up nearly 20 pounds!  My goal was to maintain through the holiday season.  I guess 20 does not equal 0?  Although, with this new common core crap, maybe 20 = 0?  I will have to ask my son to draw me a diagram.  Sorry, off topic.

I've gone through the self-loathing and the beating myself up phase and now I am back on track.  Last week I worked on portion control.  I didn't calorie count or eat perfectly, I just did my thing and kept it within reason.  I'm happy to report that I was able to return 4 of those pounds!

This may sound strange but gaining weight was probably a good thing for me.  I was in a maintenance mode for so long that I was getting a bit to comfortable there. Gaining a bit of weight reminded me of how uncomfortable I am in my skin.  I haven't felt this low in a very long time.  I'm hoping it was the best thing to happen.

It's time to see what 2014 has in store.