Wenesday Weigh In

...or not. I didn't weigh in today for a number of reasons.

I'm in a huge slump.  A depression, if you will. I had my physical last week and was up THREE pounds. How in the hell was that possible? Seriously people!  My calories have been within target 15-1800 and I work out on the treadmill burning 400 calories 5-6 days a week. I've really been pushing myself the last 2 weeks. To see a gain just killed me. Almost literally.

The visit to the doctor's office was embarrassing. I was a blubbering mess!  I think I bawled my eyes out for a good ten minutes before we could have an actual conversation. I reviewed my eating plan with her as well as my exercise efforts. She was just as baffled as I was. We talked more about surgery as well as the possibility of seeing a nutritionist (I did make an appointment with one for next month).

She also mentioned a book that a friend of hers has put to good use. She said that she herself hasn't yet read it, but it may be worth looking into. Off to the store I go to pick up  The Metabolism Miracle: 3 Easy Steps to Regain Control of Your Weight... Permanently. I'm reading it now and will review at another time. Until then though, I will leave it as I'm thinking of giving it a try -it's another "low carb" deal. We'll see. 

I won't be starting that plan until after Thanksgiving.  I'll just keep watching my calories and such until then though.

Wednesday Weigh In

Trying so hard not to live and die by the scale here!
I stayed the same.  BUT, I'm feeling like I may have lost a few pounds. I feel it in my legs...my pants are getting loose!  I have another 2 weeks to go before I can take a measurement though.

I'm hoping that I am holding onto some water because my routine was off yesterday. I consumed more sodium than usual and I did my "last chance workout" at night.

Still need to watch last nights BL. From the sounds of it, there's a lot of drama going on!  Can't wait to catch up.

Wenesday Weigh In

I'm happy to report that I lost the 3 pounds I gained last week. Wish it was more, but I will take it! 

Wednesday Weigh In

Really hating my body today!  Up 3 pounds! 

I know why. And it steams me just thinking about it.  It's also another reason that I hate this battle. It isn't just a battle for me, it's a downright WAR!

This past weekend, I went out with my Mom for girls day. I started the day doing a two plus mile walk.  I had a decent breakfast. Lunch wasn't so hot, but I didn't finish my plate. I decided at lunch that dinner would be small to make up for some of the calories I took in. I came home to fine homemade mac & cheese- a HUGE downfall of mine. I talked myself out of having it. Me, myself and I had a long chat about how crappy I'd feel after indulging. I indulged at lunch - that was enough. I was all ready with my plan of attack. Alas, the mac & cheese won. Damn it!

Then Sunday happens. Hubs decided to make his homemade tomato sauce (I do that every Wednesday, using Jillian's recipe) with meatballs.  I put some sauce aside for myself so I wouldn't have to have the added fat and calories from the meatballs. I had. a. plan. Then I went and made homemade bread, which would have been fine if I had eaten something else during the day. I ended up eating a ton of bread. What was wrong with me? It's OK though, I had a plan to bring calories in for Monday and Tuesday - if I pulled off a little loss and/or stayed the same, I would have been happy.

But no. My foot has to act up forcing me to be still. Sure, I did a little Yoga yesterday. I also worked with the medicine ball yesterday. Not enough calories burned.

It's all good though. I am taking one more day to rest my foot, then all bets are off for the remainder of the week. My calories are on target, my workouts will follow.

A little Yoga

I hate my body right now.  Mainly my right foot. The Plantar fasciitis is acting up again in a big way! Last night I hopped on the treadmill armed to do a great workout. During the warm-up I felt a pop in my heal and that was the end of that. I iced my foot and did an upper body workout while sitting in my chair.  

Today I am feeling OK.  Just OK. My heal is sore, it's best that I let it rest. I'm feeling sorry for myself right now.  I need to exercise. Not just for the weight loss, but also for the depression. I find my mood is much improved after a workout. Doing smaller workouts such as the one I did last night, doesn't seem to boost the much-needed endorphins my brain needs. 

That all being said, I decided to pick up a Yoga DVD today. I've done a little Yoga on the Wii.  (just a side note that I love the Wii fit - if only my board would work consistently!).  The pickin's were slim so I ended up going with Rodney Yee's Yoga for Beginners. I watched a good chunk of the video before trying. Wanted to know what I was getting into before getting into it. :) 

Doing the exercises proved to be tougher than I first thought. The instruction is fifteen minutes long. The time went fairly quick, even when I was feeling the burn. I'll add the Yoga to my routine, especially right now when I have very little choices in what I can actually do. I know how important it is for me to stay with some sort of routine. If I don't, I will not only get back into my old eating habits, but will probably also need to start back on the meds. Can't. Have. That.

A visit to the Doctor

Where has the time gone?  It's been so long since I've posted! Mainly because I just haven't been feeling it. We've had so much going on around here - good and bad, that I just haven't been able to put any energy into blogging.  

Just to play a little catch-up and then onto the best story of the day, the visit to my good old Doc. As far as the weight loss goes - it's finally happening!  I'm down 9.4 pounds and am really starting to feel alive.  I have a LONG way to go but will take every ounce I get with open arms! 

I've been walking everyday (well most days) with the Moms from the bus stop. The bus rolls away and off we go! To add to that, I also walk on the treadmill most nights. I alternated the treadmill workouts a between a nice 2.4 mph with incline 1 to 2 for approx 40 mins and an interval walk for 20 mins. (a pre-programmed workout). All while I stream 24 or some other crazy show I haven't seen from Netflix. Tally all that up and it probably equals about 3 miles, give or take .5. Not too shabby. 

On top of all the walking I do some strength training.  I need to be careful because #1 I have plantar factitious which hurts like heck if I stand the wrong way and I can feel that my knee isn't too happy with me.  For those reasons, I focus on the upper body a little more than the lower.  I can already tell I am getting stronger!

This week I tried to spice things up by adding Jillians 30 day shred. KILLED me!  But it felt GREAT!  That was until I woke up the next morning unable to walk because of the plantar factitious. I was a little worried working on the squats with the shape of my knee, but thought I would chat to the Doc. about that when I see her....

Now to the fun conversation of the day!  I went to my Doc. for a follow-up in regards to my coming off my depression meds (I had post-partum). She wanted to make sure that I was adjusting OK and didn't need to try a new medication.  The good news is that I've been feeling really well. My moods have been relatively stable and it looks like I can stay off the meds. Then the fun starts. :D

First, let me bore you with a little history and a preface about the Doc.  For those who know me, know I've struggled with weight my entire life. No matter how hard I work at losing, it just doesn't want to come off!  So, I give up.  Who wouldn't?  And you're probably thinking "give it time!" Well, I have. I've been on every program imaginable and done all the exercising to go with it and would fight like hell to lose ounces at a time! Sure, once in a while I may lose 5 pounds all at once,  but mostly would be ounces to 1 pound at a time.  Gets frustrating quick when you are busting your tail!

Now about my Doc.  I stick with her because I like her.  There are times I want to shake her though - today was one of those days.  There have been a few times that I've contemplated leaving her practice too. But I haven't because when it comes down to it I am comfortable with her.

OK - now the fun part.  So we chat about the meds and move on to the weight issues. She knows what I have gone through to lose weight. I even participated in her medical weight loss program! She knows how frustrated I get. She knows how depressing it is for me. (CRAP! Maybe I should stay on the meds! ;-) She also knows the health risks (she should, right?). She's asked me before to have surgery. She's practically begged me to do it!  I even went to see a surgeon friend of hers once - as well as another one when I was doing HMR with the hospital. So, to answer your question and hers, yes, I have thought about it. The trouble though is that when I did the HMR program, I was told by the counselor there that I would have to have the by-pass surgery because the way my body holds onto everything - lap-band wouldn't help me enough. I told her that it's off the table and I am not discussing it any further.

So, we move on to what I am doing now. I explained the all organic foods, the no-processed stuff and no artificial this or that. I told her how great it feels to eat so clean! I feel clean.  It's amazing. Then I reviewed with her that I walk everyday with the Moms in the morning. I hadn't mentioned anything yet about walking at night too, when she stops me to say that she's concerned for me walking. She feels that I have too much weight on me and my frame can't handle the walking. WHAT?!?! She feels that I'm going to have issues with my knees and hips. She went on to explain the dangers of knee replacements. "It's all about calorie restriction when you are this size" she said. Really? Really?  Honestly, I think she's trying to scare me into having the stupid surgery.  Not. going. to. happen.

And to be clear about the exercising...I do not have any other underlying health conditions that would cause her concern.  My BP was 101/66 (is always right around there), my cholesterol is near perfect, I don't have diabetes. Suffice it to say that I am a fairly healthy heavy person, for now.


Let me note that I am not against surgery. I am against it for me. Right now. Maybe someday if I really can't get under this or if my health suddenly goes south, I will think about it again.  Until then, I will keep on truckin'.

Shut up and do it!

Shut up and do it!

That's my mantra these days! I, like a lot of others out there, are great at using excuses as to why I can't get things done.  When my house is out of control with laundry, dishes and toys that need to be picked up, washed and/or put away, I'll say "I can't do all this, it's just too much."  Or when it comes to getting a work out done, it's always too hot, too cold, too rainy, too tired...whine, whine, whine.

Then one day I said "Just do it" just like Nike. But even then I would think of some lame excuse not to and ultimately talk myself into running away from whatever it is that I needed to get done.  That's why I've changed things up a bit, instituting the "Shut up and do it" mantra.  For the most part, I am finding it to work for me.


Today has been one of "those days". The weather isn't perfect, it's rainy and wet. Just a "stay in your jammies" sort of day.  I've felt depressed and bummed out all day. Dragging my feet to get anything done. Finally though, I made myself put my sneakers on and pulled out the Biggest Loser Wii game and off I went.  I did a "light upper body" workout.  By the end, my arms felt like they were about to fall off.  At the same time though, the serotonin levels in my little brain rose, causing me to feel like a million bucks. 


Speaking of The Biggest Loser Wii game, I input all my info and it spit out that I should be eating around 2700 calories.  My eyes bugged so far out of my head, I thought they'd get stuck to the screen! I've always been told to have anywhere between 1200 to 1800 calories or 1800 to 2100.  I just checked online at a number of sites, most confirming the 1800  or so range while one did say 2700.  This week, I will stick to the 1800 to 2000 calories and see what happens.  After that, if I am still losing only a little at a time, I may try bumping the calories up a bit. (oh, and just to add that with the Wii game, It says I should lose 23 pounds in 4 weeks eating the 2700 calories and do their workouts).

Wednesday Weigh In

Down 2.2 pounds this week!  Total 4.8

Feeling like I am finally on my way! I worked my butt off last week. Been walking 1.5+ miles every morning with the bus-stop moms. It's so nice to have people to walk with.  Gets me motivated and makes the walk go by much faster.

Did you watch Loser last night?  Man!  I was crying like a baby. I think my 2.2 pounds lost this week was from all the tears I shed.  Such sad stories this go-around!  I'm so horrible with names, so forgive me, but after the one woman talked about her parents lost one son in a drowning accident and another one later...I hugged my kids a little harder to say the least!

I am so lucky to have had the chance to attend the taping in Boston.  Having been there to see it all happen live was simply amazing.  It is also unreal how much work goes into the production and how much is edited for TV. There were cameras around all day. There were ton of people telling their stories on camera and other cameras were following people around "listening" in on their conversations.  I know that because I was on film talking to some guy about the process of losing weight...

I am still reeling from last night's episode and from my loss this week.  Need to keep up my momentum!

The Biggest Loser Premier

Can't believe they are heading into Season 10!  And I can't believe that I've gotten bigger since they started 10 seasons ago!  OK, so I've had 2 kids in that time.  Can't blame it all on them? Or can I? 

Seriously though, the premier is tonight. I'm having some mixed emotions about it.  I applied to be a part of this season's show.  Yes, I realized that 200,000+ people were also vying for their spot on the ranch. A girl can dream, can't she? What has my emotions up about this season though is that I was lucky enough to participate in the taping of the first episode.  I was there rooting for three people I've never met.  Two of them make it to the ranch, one is left behind (I won't spoil it for you).  :)

Anyway, that moment is etched in my mind. I told myself "today is the day! This will be the first day of the rest of my life" yada-yada!  Fast forward to today (4 months later) and I am in the same position I was in on that very day. I know I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I also know that today is a new day.

I'm happy with some of the changes I've made as of late - there will be a future, more in depth post about that. Until then, enjoy the season premier!  And tell me, what have you done today to make yourself feel proud?

Wednesday Weigh In

Down .2 today. That's 2.2 total.

I'm not feeling terrible about the .2 loss. Last week I mentioned being at the fair and was surprised I had a 2 pound loss that week.  I'm thinking this was what was coming to me.  My body likes to not react right away to whatever changes I make.  Something I need to keep in mind during the coming weeks.

I'm feeling great right now!  I've started walking every morning. Once my oldest gets on the bus, myself and a few other moms hit the pavement.  It's been really nice to have adults to talk to and get the morning exercise in right away.

Choices

Let me preface this post by saying that I am not peddling religion. I believe that religion is a personal choice and should be kept that way. I'm just giving a little back story to go with my thought of the day. And I am feeling chatty.

My husband and I have been looking for a new church to attend. We are Catholics of the non-practicing kind.  We Baptized both boys in the Catholic Church with the assumption that we'd be finding a new church to practice our faith in. We've been putting it off for  years.  But the time has come when we have to put-up or shut-up, as they say.  Our eldest has started the first grade and really needs to be in some sort of religious education or none at all.  

Over the summer, we sent our son to a Vacation Bible School at a Methodist Church.  He had a blast! Then started asking why we don't attend church. That's a tough question to answer and one best left alone. Anyway, we thought it would be nice to check out the service to see if it might be a Church that we'd like to call "Home". We did enjoy the service. It's not as formal as what we're used to with following Catholicism for all our lives. However, the Church was very welcoming.  They told us what to do, when.  The Pastor gave us a lot of information but didn't "shove it down our throats". Simply put, we felt welcome.  It's a feeling we're going to have to get used to as we decided to join the Methodist Church.  Hope we don't burn in Hell for all eternity for turning our backs on the Catholics - the only true Christian religion. (Yes, that's sarcasm)

Now, to the point. During today's sermon, Pastor and the Religious Educator (RE) spoke about choices.  The RE spoke to the kid's about the kinds of choices they have to make during the day...most of the answers were about what kind of ice cream they should have and weather or not to have a piece of cake to go with said ice cream.  You know, really difficult life choices. The RE held up a piece of broccoli and a bag of M&M's and asked which one is they healthier choice. Of course the kids all said the M's - (I was thinking the same thing - my body would probably explode if I put broccoli in -haha). Anyway, both the Pastor and the RE's point ultimately came down to sometimes it's easy to follow Jesus and sometimes it isn't.

All this led me to some thinking while I was out on my walk. I typically do 1.5 miles. There is a point in my walk when I have a choice to make the left hand turn to walk back down my street towards home, or I can make it up the hill in front of me and on to the next left to go another block.  The next left leads me to an even bigger hill that I need to trek up.  Usually by this point in my walk, I am ready to head on home. However, I stop myself and say "aren't you going to feel better about yourself if you keep going?" or "you'd have to continue on if you were on The Biggest Loser like you so badly want to be!" Most of the time I keep going and make it up both hills. I always feel great about the choice that I made! 

Today though, I not only decided to make it up that second hill, I kept going!  I went another block. Thus up two more hills. One is much smaller than the other, but an incline nonetheless. It felt GREAT! When I reached the top of the hill today, I thought about all the things Pastor had to say about how sometimes it's really hard to make the right choice, but in the end it'll make you feel better. And it certainly did! 

When I got home, I continued my workout with one of Bob Harper's challenges.  I did the single arm raises - found on the challenges link.  Now, I took this challenge plus one other arm one a few days ago. My arms were feeling the burn that day, but I made it through OK. Today? Not so much. I was screaming that scream you hear while watching Loser. I gotta tell you- as much as it hurt - it felt even better to make it through the whole set!!!!  Nothing is stopping me now!  Can't wait to do another one of Bob's challenges tomorrow!  

What will you challenge yourself with today?

Projecting

I've started to realize that I am guilty of projecting my insecure feelings onto others -mostly strangers. It struck me today when I took my son to a "Mommy & Me" class. There was a woman there who I thought was scowling at me.  Every time I caught her eye, I felt like she was looking at me with disgust.  In fact, I was at the point where I almost said something to her.  I had no idea what I would have said and quickly thought better of it. Certainly wasn't the time nor the place. 

Then, there was a point in the class where she started speaking to me.  I realized at that moment, she wasn't the (insert expletive here) that I thought she was.  It turns out - per usual - that I was just projecting my negative feelings about myself onto this woman.  Certainly wasn't fair to her nor to myself.

This isn't the first time I've realized what I was (am) doing. I'm sure it won't be the last, but I know that I am doing it and will work on being more watchful of myself and my negative thoughts.

In a way, it's silly to worry about what others may think about me. I know who I am. I know who loves me. I have great friends and a wonderful family. That's all that really matters in life, isn't it? The next time I catch myself projecting, I will just smile at the person and will think a happy thought. I'll let you know how it goes. 

In the meantime, let's talk about this week's progress.  Things are going pretty well. I've been really busy with appointments and the like.  The little one is sick, thus sleeping has been very little. That always makes it difficult to "behave". All in all though, I've made some terrific food choices (a few that could have been better, but weren't terrible). I haven't been getting the exercise in that I need though.  The good news though is that tomorrow is the first day this week where I have zero previous engagements.  The little one and I will go on our 1 1/2 mile walk right after the big one gets on the bus.

Wednesday Weigh In

Not too shabby this week!  I lost the weight I had gained last week plus another pound!  Leaving me with a 4 pound loss for this week. Not so sure how I pulled that off after being at the fair over the weekend. It'll sneak up on me next week (hope not!). 

How did my first day of planning go?  Not bad, not bad at all.  I had to make a few minor adjustments to my original plan due to not having everything I needed.  My littlest one hasn't been feeling too hot so getting to the grocery store has been right out. 

I wish I had something profound to say. I don't. So we'll leave today's posting simple. 

A fresh start

It's Monday night of Labor Day Weekend and what a weekend it was!  We had some great family time and fun, but it's now time to get back into the rhythm of School Days!  

My son is starting the first grade and will be taking lunches to school for the first time. He's a very picky eater.  He never used to be.  He used to eat anything and everything that we put in front of him. No questions asked. Now? Not-so-much. He started being picky sometime during Kindergarten.  Not sure if it's because he sees me being picky, if it's something he picked up in school, or it could just be his age.  No matter, it just makes packing lunches that more difficult! 

They say to let your child help in the planning of lunches. Let them shop with you and help prepare their meals. OK, so I've asked him what he wants; "chicken wings off the chicken from the store"...you know, the in-store prepared rotisserie chicken that is great in a pinch.  Those chicken wings have less than a bite of chicken on them - not a very filling lunch.  But a great idea!  What else? Well, he asked for egg salad (he's hated egg salad forever - loves eggs; loves mayo, hates egg salad?). I tried making some for him today and "Mikey! He likes it!" 

My point to all this is that I need to put as much effort into myself as I do with my kids. I try to make sure their meals are balanced. If I leave out a piece of broccoli, I beat myself up for it for days. If I took as much care of myself as I did my kids, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. I love my kids. I don't want them to have the weight issues and the baggage that comes along with it. I am on top of their eating habits like white on rice. Now it's my turn! 

I am taking a vow of good, healthy eating for the rest of September. There will be no eating out. I will have 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day and I will count my calories - weigh and measure as I go along.  I WILL drink my water!  That's a huge one for me. Been feeling run down without my water. I am also going to pledge to walk 7.5 miles each week - that's 1.5 miles a day for 5 days each week. My 10th wedding anniversary is 13+ months away and I will be 100 pounds lighter by then! 

My first breakfast will be:

2 eggs - organic - cage free

pepper and onions

whole wheat english muffin

Snack:

Greek yogurt 

carrots

Lunch: 

Whole Wheat pasta with organic made marinara

Snack:

apple and cheddar

Dinner:

Almond crusted chicken 

green beans

The dark place

When I got dressed this morning, I put on a shirt that has always been fine to wear and guess what?  It's sticking to me! Now I am feeling depressed that my clothes really are getting too small and to top it all off my back still hurts.  I've never (knock on wood) had a back problem...guess the weight is getting the best of me. 

Being this heavy is really painful. It's painful on the mind as well as the body.  Doing simple tasks like cleaning up after the kids - hurts!  It hurts like hell. It's hard to breathe and my body just aches. Bending over?  Forget it.  My big belly gets in the way and I practically lose consciousness. How about getting on the floor?  Sure. I can sit on the floor with the kids, but I am not very mobile. And what about getting up after being on said floor?  That's like watching a circus! I am only 35 years old and it's like pulling a 90 year old off the floor. What if there was an emergency while I was playing on the floor with the kids?  What if I needed to get up quick to help them?  Not happening.  It's a scary thought not being able to get to the kids quickly if they needed me.

What about the mind? Well, I am always feeling like I'm being stared at.  There are times when I've said "hello" to people who were starting too much. That always makes them almost feel bad. I can see it in their eyes - it's like they are thinking "oh crap!  She caught me!"  I could also just be projecting. 

Not being able to do things with the kids - like taking them to amusement parks and not being able to ride anything with them.  "Sorry kids, Mommy is too big" Sure, I enjoy watching the happiness on their little cherub faces when they are on a ride - but knowing how much fun we all could be having together, really hurts! 

The mental preparation in going out to dinner is exhausting.  What if they put me in a booth?  Yes, I am sad to report that I am at the point where I can't fit in most booths now. I never thought in a million years that things would get this out of control. Alas, I am here. Not happy about it. It's not like it's an accomplishment. I often wonder how on Earth I did end up here, in the horrible place of being alone (even though I know I'm not - still feels pretty lonely here). 

So, if it really feels this bad, why do I choose to stay here? That is the question of the century. I guess a lot of it is that I don't know anything else. And the other big piece is that I am afraid.  Afraid off success. Afraid of failure. The biggest struggle for me is that with every "diet" and/or lifestyle change I've ever made - the weight hardly came off.  Leaving me feeling worse than when I started (mentally worse, physically I always feel better.)

There is so much more I could talk about being here, in this dark place.  But I am going to hold it for now.  I'm trying to reel myself in and get into a lighter spot where it's easier to see. I've made myself do a lot of things today that I really don't have the energy to do. It's a step in the right direction.  I've made some poor food choices today but I've been careful about the portion sizes.  Another step. Now, I am going to have myself a big glass of water and work on the household chores that have been awaiting. When I come back, I promise to be in better spirits.


ETA: I am chuckling right now because I hit "post" and then popped over to check in on Facebook. What was the first post on my screen? A big one from Bob:

Bob Harper I believe in YOU! Remember, living an active healthy life starts one step at a time :)

Late Weigh In...

...and feeling disgusted, discouraged, and all sorts of other negative feelings right now. I weighed in yesterday and was too disgusted with myself to even think about blogging about a gain. Not just a gain, but I am now officially over my starting weight! Grrr! How does that happen? Clearly my eating isn't on track. My exercise on the other hand, was spot on. I walked 1.5 miles 5 out of the 7 days last week. 

And what have I done this week? Nothing but gripe about how I feel. Nothing fits. When I say nothing, I mean NOTHING!  My shirts are starting to cling to me, I feel like I am wearing a wetsuit.  I can't wear my jean shorts any more because I'll turn blue and pass out from the lack of oxygen. My back is starting to hurt and my plantar factitious is acting up.

The good news though is that I am in better spirits today. I am not going to give up because I am at my highest weight ever and I am feeling at my worst.  I realized the other day that I am now 100 pounds heavier than the day I got married - almost 9 years ago.  That is just one hell of a realization.  So, now I am making my pledge to lose that 100 pounds for my 10th anniversary - 10/20/11. 

The good stuff started today.  I took the kids out to the bookstore this morning (late morning) before it got too hot to even think about being outside (it was already 93 degrees!).  I wanted to look at some cookbooks and we took a little longer than I had wanted.  I was hungry. The kids were hungry.  But I said "NO!" to that drive-thru window and came home.  Granted I ended up having a peanut butter sandwich, but I can fit it in if I am careful with counting the calories.  A step in the right direction was made today.  I am giving myself a pat on the back.  Now tell me, what did you do today to deserve a pat on the back too?

Wednesday Weigh In

Got the battery for the scale and all seems to be working correctly now.
I've managed to maintain for the last few weeks. Not bad considering I haven't been following a strict meal-plan.

Keeping things short tonight...just wanted to post my WI so I can get back on track. Have to also report that I walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill last night - 1/2 mile was at 3 mph. I waled 1.25 tonight and again 1/2 mile was at 3mph. My first fitness goal is to walk 3/4 mile at 3 mph. I know I can walk faster, but I have trouble maintaining the speed. Think I will keep it at this level for now. The good news is that I didn't use my inhaler for either workout and am breathing just fine!

Getting Rid of Plastics

What would we do without plastics? There is plastic in just about everything we touch and use on a daily basis. I have a playroom FULL of plastic - which my father is always complaining about saying that he hopes I have stock in plastics. He complains because he's the one who takes care of our household recycling and trash (we have an in-law apartment).   

Two years ago or so when the whole issue of BPA being found in baby bottles first became a hot topic, I went ahead and threw away all my older son's bottles which I was saving for use for our second child and purchased all new BPA Free plastic bottles. I didn't give it a second though.t Mainly because I didn't want to have to deal with heavy glass baby bottles, and the thought of dropping one to have it shatter scared me.  And I honestly thought that by going BPA Free, I was going to safe.  Now I am realizing that I went with a safer option - but the best is glass!

Why would I ever think that plastic is a safe thing to put my food on or in?  I mean, just the smell of new plastic is enough to turn on the alarms!  So why do I continue to use plastic containers that stink to high Heaven when I first purchase them? Do I really think that by giving them a quick wash, I've removed all the toxins?  I guess somewhere in my mind I want to believe that plastics are OK. I want to believe that "big brother" is watching out for us to make sure that we have safe products.  And yet I know that that isn't so!  So why do I continue to turn a blind eye?  The answer is because it's just easier.

What does all this have to do with weight loss?  Well, in reading Jillian Michael's book, she speaks of the chemicals in plastics and in our food and how they release Endocrine Disruptors. Hrm? Could this be why my Thyroid is slightly out of whack? Could this be one of the reasons why every time I try to lose weight, I struggle and struggle and ultimately give up? Maybe. So here I am thinking it might be best to say good-bye to my friend, plastic.

So, I have gone through my kitchen and have removed all the BAD plastics. Here's a link to which plastics are safe to use.  There is still much debate about some of the options that are listed as "safe". All I know is that I am getting rid of all the plastics that I know are on the BAD list. 

Along with the bad plastics, I'm opting to remove melamine plates from our cabinets.  Again, I am not sure why I haven't thought about it up until now. I mean was I under a rock when melamine was reported in baby formula in China or when animals where getting sick from it being in their food?  No.  I simply turned a blind eye. I was probably thinking that the melamine I use for my plates is safe because it isn't in "powdered" form, I'm not eating IT - I am eating OFF of it. Big difference, right? How wrong I was!  Turns out that melamine can also leach chemicals onto our foods, thus now we'd be ingesting harmful chemicals. And for what?  So we don't have a broken dish?  Seriously. It's all starting to seem absurd to me.

Without further ado, here is my pile o'plastic and melamine. My kids are going to have to take one for the team and eat off of adult plates from now on and if they break, they break.  I would rather have a broken dish on my hands than potential illnesses that could potentially come from harmful chemicals we've ingested.

Stack O'plastic

Wednesday Weigh In

No avoiding it. Gotta weigh in today. Need to see how vacation went. 

I stepped on the scale this morning and was very excited!  I hopped off and hopped back on just to be sure and was depressed. I tried two more times and got two more results. Grrr!!  Do you know how many scales I've gone through?  Going to try replacing the batteries and will WI tomorrow.  I best not be depressed!  haha. 

There is another post coming - hopefully today. I was going to post yesterday but just didn't have the time.  Hopefully the kids will cooperate today.

Back to Reality

The family vacation is done. It's back to the daily grind we go. I sent my oldest off to Ninja Camp this morning. It's a full day camp. He's happy; Mama's happy. All is right with the world. With him being in full-day camp this week, I've decided to make the most of the time by getting organized...

I started pulling apart the kitchen yesterday. Organized all the cabinets, OK maybe not all, still have two to go. I want to make cooking as easy as possible on myself. I HATE to cook. Always have. But if I am going to do this - I mean really do it - I need to be in the kitchen making whole foods. No more junk! No more processed anything...or as little as possible.

I never thought I would hear myself say this but I'm turning into a "hippie". Like I've mentioned before, I won Jillian Michaels cookbook and have since picked up a copy of her book, Master Your Metabolism. So far, everything that she is saying is making so much sense to me! I mean, if you could walk in my shoes and do the workouts I've done and do the diets I've tried, you would know that I should have lost a lot of weight during those times, but I didn't. I struggled to lose every ounce that I've ever lost. I would give up. It's what I do. I mean seriously, why would anyone want to work out for an hour a day - I mean really sweat and work out, eat 1200 calories a day to only lose a pound - if that, each week. Sure, I would have some weeks where I would lose more, but most weeks were too little to even count.

I'm still reading the book, but I can sum it up in a few words.  No processed food and get away from plastics!  It's something we've all heard about before. I know I have. Let's face it though, processed foods are easy. They make our lives easy. We can run our errands, have our lunch in the car so we can get to the next appointment, spend less time in the kitchen and more time getting the to-do list done. All the while we are loading our bodies up with harmful chemicals.  I've always thought there has to be a reason for all the disease and syndromes and I'm willing to bet a lot comes from the foods we eat. I'm willing to put things to the test - and in a way I have already started.

I'm completely off the artificial sweeteners. That's right, no more diet soda, (for those who know me , know that that is an amazing feat! I was an addict!!) no more diet anything. I feel a change, I see a change.  I'm not craving more and more sweets and foods.  "They" have been saying it for years - if you use the artificial sweeteners, you are at a higher risk for obesity. I can now see that as a truth. I know that I've been eating less and hopefully soon it will show on the scale.

Vacation Week

Just got back from a short vacation with the hubs and kiddos. We still have a few day trips planned before hubs heads back to work though. All in all things have been going pretty well. I did bring lots of fruit with us on the trip and we did stop to shop for some sandwich stuff. That did help us save money and calories.

Tonight was track and field for my six year old. While he was partaking in the "field" part of his session, Rich and I hopped onto the track and walked two miles. YES! I said 2 miles! It felt great to get such a long walk in. I did have to come home and ice my foot but it was all worth it.

Speaking of my foot; it seems to be healing quite nicely. I was a little worried while walking around Sesame Place in water shoes all day. A little ice and some ibprofen did the trick- kept the pain at bay.

Weigh In

Still struggling! And it looks like I am back to square one. Sigh.

But, I am sticking my chin up and am going to keep on trucking. I really see the importance of planning. When I plan a few days ahead I find I stick to eating much better than when I have a loose plan or worse, none at all.

My clothes are getting tighter and tighter and I hate being in my own skin. My family went out to dinner - sadly, we went out three times this past weekend, none of which did I make even one good food choice. Anyway, at one of the restaurants we were in, I couldn't fit in the booth. I was horrified. Luckily though, the other bench had a little more room for me, but I was stuffed in there like stuffing in a Thanksgiving Turkey.

We also went out to dinner on the way to drop my husband off at the airport for his week-long business trip. Our son really wanted to go out for dinner before he left. For some reason, that night I felt very self conscious. We were in one of those long bench seats with table and chairs -you know, the ones I mean - where you are sitting inches away from the next party. Anyway, I felt like the people next to me were talking about me and then I felt another lady stare at me with eyes that showed her disgust. Could it have been me projecting my feelings onto her? Yes. That could have been it. Nonetheless, I feel the disgust and I see it in others eyes.

Why is it that when we are feeling our worst because of our weight, we still turn to food for comfort? I mean really?!? Isn't it that that got me to feeling this way in the first place?

Needless to say, I've shaken it all off. This is a new day and a new week. I've returned to my planning and am working really hard at keeping to the plan. The fridge is stocked with fresh fruits and veggies. The biggest challenge ahead is the weekend and into next week. We're heading on vacation. The plan is to bring cut up fruits and veggies and make sandwiches for lunches. Not only will we save on the calories, but will also save a few bucks on not eating out. I'm only hoping the dear hubby will follow my lead and keep to the plan.

Struggling

I'm in dire need of finding my mojo. I can finally stand on my feet without having pain and am able to get some exercise in but am not feeling it. I did my 1 mile walk last Thursday and did another one on Friday. Since then it's been nothing. No exercise. No eating well. Nothing good can come of this behavior and feeling. I know I will end up beating myself up on Wednesday when I see that I have a huge gain.

I'm going to work real hard for today to get things turned around. For the remainder of the day, I am going to focus on the here and now. I will drink nothing but water and I will get a workout.

Wednesday Weigh In

...a day late. The last week has been nuts! I haven't had any time to myself! It's not always a bad thing to be that way for short periods of time because there is less time to goof off and eat terribly. At the same time though, it can be a terrible thing to not have much free time because the planning and everything else seems to go by the wayside. This past week ended up with a 1 pound gain. Surprisingly though, I am not feeling too bad about it. Every time I have a "bad week", I tend to beat myself up over it. Not this week though. With limited use of my foot last week, and all the outside things I had to do - I will take a 1 pound gain as a success.

One thing I've realized the last few days is that blogging seems to help me. Helps me keep honest and keeps me in check. The next few weeks are going to be a challenge to find time to get online to write even a little something, but I am going to try my hardest to do so.

Update on my foot: Seems the wrapping and the cortisone shot has done the trick! I'm 100% better and am cleared to start exercising! I need to put an insert into my shoe as well as this heal thingy -if I need it and will need to ice it nightly. I am just so happy to finally be able to walk without feeling like I'm a 90 year old woman.

That being said, when I took my son to track and field tonight, I decided to walk the track. I walked one mile. I could have done more - walking a mile on the track is so much easier than walking on the treadmill with the incline and all that going! I thought it best to start out slow though, so I stopped at one mile. Walking on said track though, brings back memories. Not fond ones. I live in the town I grew up in; the track is at the high school I attended. When I was in HS, I couldn't run the darn thing, never mind walk one mile. I remember huffing and puffing all the way around it; fighting back tears with each step and turn I made. I was always the last to finish - feeling deflated and humiliated. Tonight, I decided that I am going run that mile. I will! I'm going to start by walking it...then I will work in a jog here and there...getting up to a 1/4 mile jog and working up from there. When I run that full mile, MAN! That will be one hell of a victory for me! And I WILL do it! Until then, I will keep on walking.

Wednesday Weigh In

Down 2.4 pounds this week for a total of 6 pounds! Not too shabby, if I don't say so myself. I keep wondering what the numbers are going to look like when I can start exercising for real!

This morning was fun trying to get into the shower with my foot all bandaged up. I had to wrap it in shopping bags and had my hubs duct tape them to me so I wouldn't get my bandages all wet. This is going to be one long week! But I am on my way to healing the heel, so that's good. Today I actually woke up and was able to walk without hobbling in pain. Yeah Me!

Activity and Foot Fail

I decided that we need to do something active as a family. We thought we'd give geocaching a try. So, Sunday morning we packed our water bottles, a light snack, and the kiddies into the car to go seek some caches.

The first one we found was in a local parking lot. There was a hint saying something about "you light up my life" or something to that affect. We though "this should be easy - it's clearly on a light post...how hard could this be?" Away we walk looking at every light post - some more than once...then suddenly we notice this tiny little object that we've looked at a bunch of times and passed off as part of the pole; was actually the cache! My son had a great laugh about that and then begged to do more.

The next cache had us "hiking" into the woods a bit. I use the word hike lightly here. Yes, it was a trek into the woods - with kids - so it was more of a hike than a stroll through the park. There were hills to climb and rocks to climb on. This time though, my son found the cache all on his own. Again, we had looked in this one section that we thought it was in but we couldn't find it and all of a sudden we hear this excited little voice yell "HERE IT IS!" Oh was he elated to find the box all on his own!

The point here is that we were out as a family - enjoying each others company all while being active. We've made memories and burned calories all at once - can't get much better than that!

The "bad" part to all of this is that my foot is acting up again. Yes! Still have that issue from my working out at the BL Taping. I called the Podiatrist and got in right away. Apparently, I not only have a flat foot, but also have two bone spurs and planter factitious. I had a cortisone shot today - that was fun...still easier than child birth though ;-). Will have a follow up next week. I'm supposed to keep my activity very light - no real exercise this week until the bandages come off.

As far as my weigh in tomorrow. I may skip it...I know I am holding water, I am all puffed up from being out in the heat today. We'll see how swollen I am in the morning. I'd hate to get on the scale and show a gain - just to be depressed about it.

Artificial Sweeteners

Here I go again with no postings! Some days are just easier to get on here and write than others. That's life, I guess.

So one of the things I did last week was to swear off artificial sweeteners. My goodness it's been rough - just because I am so addicted to diet soda. No more! It's been 7 days with NO artificial sweeteners and I am feeling a difference. I'm not grazing through the cabinets looking for something to munch on. The water; pure, plain, good old-fashioned water has been helping and is making me feel so much better!

I haven't been able to get into an exercise routine as of yet. My foot has really been bothering me! Reminder that this is from an injury from working out with Jillian Michaels at the taping of Biggest Loser back in May. I've been wearing my nice new New Balance sneakers and they just don't seem to be helping me. I'm headed to the podiatrist tomorrow. I need to get this foot healed so I can get on with the workouts.

It's been a busy day, so I am calling it a night. I have a bunch of things that I would like to talk about...will have to wait until tomorrow.

Wednesday Weigh In

A good week! Down another 2.3 pounds making a total of 3.6.

I can't bring myself to call the gym for membership and personal trainer pricing. Every time I think about it, I well up in tears. It brings me back to the day I was at the one gym with people gathering to watch me. So, I decided to get me some new sneaks - desperatly needed! and I also bought Jillian's 30 day shred video along with a medicine ball. Just to keep things fresh.

Keep things fresh? Well darn! I haven't even done a thing yet. I have all the excuses in the world too. Mainly that it's just too darn hot out to even think about working out!

That brings me to my goals for the week:

Continue with meal planning
Say "NO" to artificial sweetners
And lastly, exercise at least 3 days this week.

Scrapbook Sunday

I'm working on my younger son's first year baby album. This page is of my eldest checking in and giving a quick hug to the baby. I love how much he adores his baby brother!

When I am scrapping, I don't think about anything other than remembering the story behind the pictures and getting that story down onto paper. I've never considered myself an "artsy" person or a very creative person for that matter. But scrapping is something that I fell in love with from the first time I tried it.

One of the things I've realized is when I am engrossed in my scrapping projects, it's really the only time I am not thinking about food. Not at all. When I get stressed and don't know what to do about a certain situation, I turn to food. When I am in the middle of picking papers to go with pictures and trying to figure out a creative layout to use, I'm able to stay 100% focused on the task at hand. Now that I have recognized this about myself, I need to work on being able to focus on everything else that's going on around me and not turn to food for comfort. Hrm...this is a topic I will need to explore deeper on another day.

Goal accomplishments for today:
Got all my water in
And I don't take any crap from anyone - that's my nice thing to say about myself for today.

Recipie Review

I made the Flank Steak with Chimichurri suce from Jillian's cookbook tonight. It was delicious!
Can't go wrong with grilled flank steak anyway...so tender and a nice healthy cut of meat...very little fat. Can't wait to try it again.

Keeping things short tonight. I've had this lingering headache all day. Getting all my water in today and had a soda but still can't shake the headache! The good news though is that I did meal plan for today and the rest of the weekend, got my water in, and cut down on the soda!

Now for something nice to say about me: I'm a great listener.

Not a good day...

"I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!": Daily Affirmations By Stuart Smalley

That's what I'm saying today because I am just grouchy, cranky and grouchy!
Other than that I didn't complete nor did I even come close to completing any of my goals for today! I haven't even had so much as a sip of water. What's up with that?

Tomorrow is a new day and it WILL be better!

Wednesday Weigh In

Can't be too disappointed this week. Down 1.3 pounds. I had a few rough days, so I am happy with the progress! Really hoping to kick things into high gear this week though! Even contemplating joining the gym again. Although every time I go to pick up the phone for pricing and such I start to tear up with thinking about my last experience when people were staring at me. I wasn't imagining it...it really did happen!

Goals for the week:
Meal Plan
Cut back the diet soda to no more than 1 a day
Get in 72 oz of water
Keep a better food log - not doing it daily now
Say something good about myself daily

Making Changes

I mentioned before that I won Jillian Michaels' "Master Your Metabolism Cookbook" from WellBella magazine. I've read the beginning of the book where she summarizes her "Master Your Metabolism" book and am now armed and ready to make some big changes in the pantry around here.

About the cookbook; Pick it up! It's great! I've made the Quinoa crunch as previously mentioned and it's yummmm! I also made the almond-crusted chicken.....so good! I'm not usually a fan of chicken. I really hate chicken. I hate when chicken tastes like chicken. I know, I am weird, but I'm being truthful. This recipe is a keeper! I am going to make it again this week! In fact, it's going to become a staple in our house. Very easy and everyone really enjoyed it!

I'm also absolutely hooked on Losing It! I don't know what it is about Jillian that gets me revved up and feeling all ready to go! Although I was "glad" I didn't make it onto The Biggest Loser after working out with her for the taping in Boston as I am STILL in pain from working out with her! Seriously, I have a foot injury. My own fault. I need to get some good shoes. I know, I know!

Anyway, I'm thinking that I may go back and re-watch previous episodes and talk about them here. Every episode leaves me with some heavy duty thinking. I'll start now with the episode I just watched on my DVR...I am a little behind - sorry.

The Northern Family
The biggest thing that Jillian had said to Patrick that hit me the hardest was "...you have this potential, you just don't see it, have you ever given yourself a chance at anything?..."
That stung me! This is SO ME! And no, I don't give myself a chance. Why? Afraid to fail. But as Jillian also pointed out that giving up is failure! Good food for thought there.

Jillian also talked about Patrick's apathy. Another moment where I was floored! I never really thought about it til then, but again it's me. I would rather sit on the couch and watch than really do anything. It's so hard to have interest in the fun in life when you are this heavy and this unhappy with yourself. Sure, I am good at faking it when I have to, but I am selling myself short and I know it. But how to fix it? That's the question I've been asking myself for a long time.

I guess it's all about taking one step at a time. So, today I made a step. I went and stocked the cupboards with non-processed foods. Even for the kids! No more of the go-to kids snacks! You know the ones I'm talking about! I made some healthy "quick" snacks for the kids (they always have to have a fruit or veggie as a snack and then get to have a more-processed choice as the second snack...so I made some brownies with veggies IN them), and am ready to get going with Mastering MY Metabolism!

Happy 4th of July

Cake

It's my husband's birthday today! And the poor guy had to go with a less than perfect cake - yet again! A few years ago he asked for a black forest cake - it's all he ever wanted and all he talked about. So off I went to the bakery to place the order for black forrest cake, mind you that this was a few weeks prior to his birthday. Guess what happened! The bakery didn't have the ingredients- specifically the cherries - and called me the day before his birthday to let me know they weren't making the cake. Have you ever heard such a thing? Actually, yes!

It reminded me of the time we went into a Boston Market (right around the time they changed their name from "Boston Chicken") and my husband asks for a meatloaf, "sorry, we're all out." He said "OK, I'll have chicken." "Sorry, we're all out of that too." I think the beads of sweat started to form on my husbands forehead when he asked "OK, then what DO you have?" "umm...just ham today." Are you kidding me? The place prides itself on the CHICKEN! Oh, and couldn't the kid have started with "I'm sorry, we are out of everything but pig today." Boy! We were in stitches!

OK, so back to the cake story. The next year I order the cake (black forest again) from a different bakery. Guess what happened that time? They FORGOT to make it!!! Priceless.

Last year I decided to make him one. Actually it was Gram and I that did the baking. It didn't look so good - it collapsed, but it tasted YUM!!!!

Now here we are. Another birthday and yet another cake disaster! This year hubs wanted a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. Shouldn't be difficult, right? Apparently it is when it comes to HIS birthday cakes! I made the cake, popped it in the oven. A little while later the kids wanted to join their grandparents in the pool and out the door we went. We were in the pool for probably 10-15 minutes when I realized that I forgot to check on the cake. Thankfully it wasn't totally burned, but the edges were a little crispy. Sorry honey!!!! Maybe next year!

Turning to food for comfort

I did something today. I stood up to a Doctor. I was feeling a bit angry with my son's Doctor. He's someone that I feel speaks down to me a lot - but I like him as a Doctor. I love the office, and the reality is that our dealings with him are very minimal.

My son has chronic ear infections. Apparently they aren't chronic enough though to speak about having tubes put into his little ears. Although I didn't discuss that with him today because I was too upset with him from the beginning of the converstaion. Anyway, when I was leaving the office, he "caught" me telling his nurse that he's losing a patient (2 really). Because he "caught" me - I told him directly that I wasn't coming back that I didn't like the way he speaks to me.

The good thing out of it is that he followed me to my car. He apologized. I honestly don't think he means to speak to people the way he does but he caught me at a weak moment. I am over-tired from being so sleep deprived with this kid that SCREAMS bloody blue all night long. I was shaking and on the verge of tears the whole time we were speaking. I'm glad that he came out to talk to me. Showed that he really does care and that he doesn't mean the tone in which he says things...and I've always known that.

What's this have to do with anything? Well, I am feeling so badly what do I do? Turn to food? Why? It's not going to make me feel better. I know it, you know it. So why do it? It's not like I binged or anything like that - just made a poor lunch choice. I have to live with it, learn from it and move on.

The challenge now is to find other outlets to deal with stress and emotions. I've learned the best way to release ill feelings is through exercise. But that seems so hard sometimes and old habits die hard. Hrm, maybe next time I'm feeling like that I should come write a blog entry! Until then, I am brushing myself off and moving on for the day. The day isn't ruined, only bruised. I'll be fine.

Quiet Day

Nothing really to report today. Just need to keep in the habit of writing.

One small victory for today though is that we just went out for ice cream - my BIGGEST downfall! I ordered a frozen yogurt in a kiddie cup and didn't finish! You can't even imagine what an accomplishment that is for me! I could have ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

My Number

I don't like speaking about my number. None of my numbers, really. Talking about my age scares me. Always has. So sad, really. We all age - it's a part of life. I just don't like to talk about it. In fact, when I was 27 I would always say that I was 29. My husband wouldn't even correct me because he couldn't believe how obsessed I was with not wanting to turn 30. Now that I am 35, I still don't like talking about numbers. I'm "pushing 40" after all...ok, not really, but it scares me to think that my biological clock is ticking even though I am lucky enough to have two beautiful boys. What's wrong with me and my obsession with numbers?

Talking about weight? Oh, I cringe! Always have! I've read many weight loss blogs and have frequented weight loss communities and can't believe the courage that some people have with putting their number out there. OK, so I did post that horrible number on one board that I belong to...but I sweat every time! Even when I was applying for The Biggest Loser, Season 10, I didn't want to put my number out there. I have a very good friend who asked to see my submission video. Nope. Sorry...can't see my number. Her response was "everyone will know when you're on the show" - that may be true - but they would see the after number too! And that number I'd like so much more.

The truth of the matter though is that I am embarrassed and ashamed that I have gotten to this point. I was told it would happen if I didn't get my weight under control and I always thought "no, way, not gonna happen to me!" And here I am. Exactly where I don't wanna be. I have to buy the largest size clothes I can find. I have the "apron" belly that I always cringed at when I saw others this size.

So, for now, I am not putting my number out here. You probably know my number. That's OK. I just don't want to see it or deal with it until it's gone for good.

Saying Good-Bye and Moving On

MIA again! So sorry! It's been a rough road. Just had to say good-bye to my last living grandparent! Now I am am grieving two grandparents at once. Man! It's rough. I know though that both of them would want me to keep on keeping on. So, I am brushing myself off and am going to make a go at it. Starting now! It's a new day and a new path. Can't wait to see where it leads me.

Just a bit about my Grandfather though before I get started on me. Here is a copy of his Eulogy that was eloquently written by my mother...what a guy!

"Google his name and the story of a man who was a true hero will emerge. He was a WWII ranger, fought on D day, was one of the famed “Boys of Point Du Hoc” a phrase coined by President Reagan in a speech delivered in Normandy commemorating D-Day.

His bravery that day along with the rest of the men he served with will long be remembered. The rangers scaled the cliffs and took out the guns protecting the beaches so that the rest of our forces could land and advance inland. Ultimately ending the war. He was injured several times and witnessed many horrific events including the loss of his own brother but yet he fought on.

When the war ended he came home with a goal. Raise a family, have a garden and live out a peaceful life in Derry, leaving the memories of the war long behind him. For many years he did just that, his own children were not even aware of what he had done in the war. Then as years went by and he began getting calls from researchers and historians who wanted to hear the stories, the truth of his heroism slowly began to emerge.

In the last 20 years he has rec'd numerous awards and accolades. The most prestigious being the French medal of honor which he rec'd in a special ceremony attended by members of the NH congress, US senators and other dignitaries most notably a delegation from the French government. He was invited to France to receive this highest honor but he was not well enough to travel so they delivered it to him. Feb 4, 2010 was declared to be Walter Borowski day in the state of NH. His children, and grandchildren and all of his family and friends were so proud that day but even then, always a humble man he did not want to be called a hero.

All of the heroism and accolades aside. Who was this man? He was “dad” to his children Tom, John and Sue. He was Jaju to his grandchildren Jen and Johnny and he was great jaju to his great grandchildren Curtis, Logan and Tessa.

As anyone who knew him will attest to one of his favorite expressions was “I tell it like it is” and indeed he did. Never one to mince words he always spoke his mind. Words we should all live by.

From the days of his Ranger training until the end of his life he stood tall, proud and strong. Whenever I visited he would say “I'll feel better tomorrow, as soon as I get my strength back. He was never willing to give up. These are the things that defined him and made him who he was. This is his legacy that he leaves to his family.

I am very proud to be a Borowski and my son John, his grandson is proud to carry the name into the next generation.

As we say goodbye to you today Walter we will think of you in heaven reunited with your beloved Helen. Every time I hear the early morning birds singing I will be reminded of how you loved to feed them. Every time I see a hummingbird I will remember how they came to rest on your flowers and whenever I smell wild roses I will think of you and the ones that bloomed in the front of your house. You will always be in our memory and we know you are building that beautiful garden that you so loved for all eternity.

You are home and at peace.

God bless"

That brings me to tears every time I read it! There wasn't a dry-eye in the place either!

Putting all that behind me now and am on my way to moving on!

Good news! I won a copy of Jillian Michaels "Master Your Metabolism Cookbook" (the link to her website isn't working as of the writing of this blog) from WellBella magazine! Thanks Guys! I got it in the mail the other day and was very excited to start reading! There were a lot of "ah-ha!" moments. She's very scientific in her writing though. A little too much so for my ADD brain :). I'm going to give her advice a shot though.

This morning I made some Quiona Crunch from the cookbook. Not too bad! I can't wait to try it in my yogurt - will let you know what I think. I also made some steel-cut oats for the kids and I to try. I didn't have her ingredients on hand so I made due with the package suggestions. I was pleasantly surprised! The texture is different, but the taste isn't so bad. Just added a little brown sugar and a splash of maple syrup and we were good to go. Even my 6 year old liked it! That says a lot because he doesn't like anything!!!

And an update on the Biggest Loser. I was going to try out again but have decided that I really can't handle rejection with all that's been going on in my life as of late. So for now, I will need all the support I can get from you!

It's the small things

Sorry I have been MIA. I went away for the weekend...a much needed girls trip to Maine for some scrapping time. Didn't get a whole lot of scrapbooking done - but I did have a great time! Sometimes it's all we need. Getting away for a few days is great for recharging those batteries.

Tonight I went to have my haircut....a much needed one! While driving home I was thinking about how soft my hair is and how lively it looks after getting a little trim. It's not only a little pick-me-up for my hair, but it's also one for me. I notice that I have a little bounce in my step after being freshly coiffed. It's also the same reason I love having my teeth cleaned. My teeth may not be that pearly white that we all dream of, but right after a cleaning they feel it! Just makes me wanna smile and smile some more.

All of this lead me to think about how important it is to do things for ourselves. We've all heard it before...but if you really think about how you feel after you leave the salon, you can't help but smile. And to dig a little deeper and think about what you can do on a daily basis to give yourself a little pick-me-up...the options are endless. Put on a little lipstick, some earings, a necklace...guys put on a nicer shirt than you would normally wear...so amazing what it will do to your mood! So why don't we do it more often? Because our insides are broken. Maybe if we work on tiding up the outside more often, the inside will start to mend? I think it's worth a shot!

As far as my weigh in this week? I was exactly the same. Not complaining about it this week though seeing as I did go away all weekend!

Weigh in

What a big fat disappointment! Didn't lose even an ounce! This is what happens with me. I will work my arse off and won't see results on the scale. Sure, I feel a little stronger and I feel an ounce more confident when I get off that dreaded treadmill...but when it comes to scale time and I see the same damned number ARGH!

It's really the story of my life! The summer before heading into high school I went to summer camp for seven weeks...not just any summer camp! We're talking Weight Watchers camp. I BEGGED my parents to let me go. What kid wants to go to "fat" camp! ME!! I couldn't wait and really begged them to send me for the whole summer. And they did. Don't get me wrong, the experience was probably one of the best I've ever had. I met a lot of new friends and have tons of memories that will last a lifetime. Weight wise though? I didn't lose all that much. I should have. There wasn't any reason no to have. We did an aerobics class, swimming, sports, running, walking...you name it, we were moving all the time....well all but the scale!

I've been on Weight Watchers a million times since then. Also have done Jenny Craig, LA Weight Loss, Atkins, calorie counting...you name it. It all ends up being the same old story. I get mad because I don't see results and then ultimately give up. Not this time though! I am giving it my all! I intend on applying for BL season 11 and am documenting everything that goes in my mouth along with every calorie I burn. Someone has to figure out why I can't get this stupid scale to budge!

When is it ever a good time?

To start anything new? Seriously, we all have things going on in our lives, between the birthday parties, graduations, weekend get-aways, anniversaries, weddings, etc., etc., etc,....will you ever have a "perfect" time to start a diet? There is always something happening in our lives that will make it difficult to be on plan 100% of the time. It doesn't mean though that we should be putting our lives on hold.

Now I need to keep on remembering that advice. My last post was about my Gram's passing almost two months ago. Guess what? I am about to go through it again. My grandfather on the other side is now on hospice and is living his last days. I was in a "good place" with my Gram's passing. She had said her goodbyes and we had a great chat before she passed - no unfinished business - but I still miss her like hell. I miss her more and more every day, but I am getting through it. Now it really sucks that I'm going to have to go through it again with my grandfather! Talk about stress and depression and wanting to eat, eat, eat. But I won't give into all that. This isn't another excuse to eat and add more pounds on.

I am bound and determined to stay strong and find new outlets without using food to hide behind. Just taking it all one day at a time.

Tomorrow is weigh in day.

Scrapbook Sunday

....even though it's Monday. :) I planned on blogging yesterday but just wasn't feeling up to it and had company over. This is a scrap page I'm working on for my youngest son's first year album. The picture is of my grandmother - his great grandmother (aka GG), holding him for the first time. Unfortunately, my son won't remember his GG as she just passed away in April. I find it amazing though that she had the chance to meet SIX great-grandchildren! Seriously, how awesome is that?!?!

Going through my Grandmother's death wasn't easy. When is death ever easy? But from a weight loss perspective it really puts a damper on things. What better reason to eat than when you are watching someone you are so close to and love so deeply die? I so wish I was one of those people who lost their appetite during stressful situations! That just isn't the case...I gained TEN pounds in the month leading up to my Gram's passing.

Just before she passed, I wanted to ask her for her skinny "genes"...MAN! I would love to have those! She ate like a bird. She would be turned off and actually would be disgusted if you served her too much food or gave her a big plate! Two of my favorite stories of her regarding food are the time that I walked into her house and she asked me if I had eaten lunch - I had - she told me that she was famished (she did use the word famished!) and proceeded to make herself HALF of a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. Ummm....yeah! That wouldn't even be an appetizer to most people. My second favorite story is when we took her to Foxwoods and ate at the buffet. If you knew my Gram you know that she had a love for sweets! She would have chocolate cake for dinner! Anyway, when she went up to the dessert section, she refused to get anything because there was too much to chose from and that just churned your stomach. Here I was thinking "I'll have one of each" and I wonder why she was thin and I am not?

Finding Inspiration

WOW! It's been just about two weeks since I was all gung ho about starting a new blog and haven't said a word since. That is all about to change!

Two weeks ago I dragged my husband to the taping of Season 10, episode 1 of The Biggest Loser. Poor guy, he's not competitive and wants nothing to do with being anywhere near Jillian Michaels or anything related to The Biggest Loser and here I am dragging him to the taping and a workout challenge with Jillian. He did a great job and I thank him for supporting me all the way!

That day was simply amazing! It really felt like we were a part of something - something big. Listening to Mark Kruger from Season 5 talk about running the Boston Marathon and how "today" was our first step to greatness, and then working out with Jillian! I felt so inspired and really believe that I CAN do this! I was all set and ready to start my plan from that day forward until I started having a reaction to a thyroid medication that I protested taking in the first place. I began eating like I've never eaten before - binge after binge - but it wasn't like a binge. It felt more like having low blood sugar and scouring the cabinets for anything to take that horrid feeling away. After gaining another 6 pounds and persistent phone calls to the doctor, I took myself off the medication. It took a few days for the side effects to go away completely, but once they did I felt GREAT!

Last Tuesday night I decided to join The Biggest Loser Club . I need structure if I am going to stick to this! I took about an hour or so to go through the meal planning process, then I ordered my groceries from the shopping list they provide. I've been following the plan every day since. I also have been getting on the treadmill and doing the strength training exercises that they suggest. I can't wait til Tuesday to see how I am doing! I am already feeling like a million bucks -well, like a hundred thousand anyway. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly I can feel better with exercise and eating right. Why don't I stick with it? That's a topic for another day.

Starting Anew

I've been inspired to start blogging -again. My inspiration has come through my journey of applying to be on The Biggest Loser. I didn't make the show, didn't even get a call back. It's all good though because it really is like winning the lottery just to be chosen.

I have a lot of thoughts processing right now and am just going to leave this first entry as is...short and sweet.